I love football but I love baseball too

Don't know what it is, specifically, that attracts me to baseball but it sucks me everytime. Can't fucking wait for some Met baseball. Good bad or ugly I want it. By the 1:43 mark I had full wood. Let's go Mets!

Recover

Takes a little longer to recover from these weekend getaways. We did a mountain trip this past weekend without the kid and I pretty much shaved 2 years off my life with wreckless behavior. It was a good time. Snow tubing is fun but could be funner (or more fun). I propose a small ramp or a lenghtier drop, sort of like a waterslide ride. I want to shit my pants if possible. Anything less is boring. Grape Vodka isn't so bad. You know what's a great idea? Putting your hand in the oven to eat a cookie that isn't done yet. Awesome. For some reason I am burping up just about everything I consummed this past weekend. It's like my stomach is a NTSB investigator combing through the wreckage like a plane crash. If only I had a black box to capture the last moments:

mmmm Jameson, is she looking? MMMMMM that was good, one more, one more!!!!

::gargling noise:: crash, explosion ::people screaming::

If my liver was a dog he'd be doing that sideways head thing. The confused puppy routine. Then would probably shit on my rug. Did you know that when your drunk catching a dart in your back is not painful?

My head

These are the things I think about....way too often. Help.

When I'm 60 will Step Brothers or Wedding Crashers still make me laugh? I think the answer is yes.

Would you eat shit for 1 million dollars? I think you know my answer.

Why do we have hair on our ass? More specifically why do we have hair near or around our asshole? So inconvienent.

Did you know that womens tits are also uneven like our nuts? Truth. Nothing is symmetrical. Hope this doesn't effect you in any way.

How would I ever know if someone spit on my food? Or dropped my shit before serving it. I'll never know. Makes me angry.

When I was little I don't ever remember being told to drink more water. I wonder why. Like why is it so important now but wasn't then. Are we smarter or dumber?

If this were 1620 what would you be? A blacksmith? A cook? A knight? A pirate? A dressmaker? A farmer? A cavalier?

What's gonna happen when Hugh Hefner dies? Will the Playboy mansion still be open? I'm frightened.

Change the picture

You know what I was thinking about the other day? You know how sometimes your watching the news or reading a article online about a murder or someone went missing, etc. And they show the picture of the victim. And the picture is terrible. And maybe you laugh because the picture is that awfuil. Well. If this were to happen to me I'd be pissed. Even if I was dead. Just pissed off. So I've taken the time to pick out some pictures of myself and set them aside, each labeled so authorities know which one to use in case something newsworthy happens. I hope you do the same cuz I'll laugh at you and your silly picture from 1996 when orange ribboned gentleman hats were in style.

Example. This guy was stabbed and killed Sunday night in Brooklyn. Not a good look here. Quite embarrassing I'd say. I won't end up like this.

Oral Copulation By Force

So it snowed. And I didn't die.

Family spats are so predictable.

Are there any athletes out there that don't beat their wives? Also, are there any celebrities that don't overdose on over the counter medicine?

You ever fart in the shower? It sounds awful right. Like shit came out but obviously didn't. Because it was a fart. I didn't ask if you ever shit in the shower. And shame on you if you did. Slobs.

So you guys have plans for Valentines Day? Suckers. In Saudi Arabia Valentines Day is illegal.

I feel like I'm always hungry. That mean I'm getting fat?

My favorite non-alcoh0lic drink is iced tea.

Watch out. It's gonna snow.

So apparentaly we are getting snow. I know this because the media is acting like we are under attack by gargantuan gargoyles from the 12th Century. I like snow. Digging out can be a pain in the ass, sure. But so is wiping your ass. I like to take shits. Most of the time it feels good. I don't however enjoy wiping my ass. If that makes sense.

SNOW DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to plan a massive snowball fight in Prospect Park. I recall someone doing something similiar a couple of years back and I regret not partaking. In that case they were strangers though. I want to throw snow in the general direction of people I know. Like you dont go paintballing if you don't have a crew so that you can shoot the shit out of each other. That makes alot more sense than the shit/snow comparasion.

Super Bowl Sunday

Super Bowl Sunday is here!!!!

Head over to LOV for my Super Bowl picks including many prop bets. Big weekend. Making a batch of wings of course for the Super Bowl party at my uncles house. He'll be whipping up his usual, a damn good chilli. As usual I'll be bored with the halftime show, the fucking Who. Who cares. Janet Jackson's titty ruined everything. Maybe Kim Khardashian will fall out of her top while rooting for Reggie Bush. Or maybe while singing the national anthem Carrie Underwood has a "waldrobe malfunction". I mean let's be real the only thing missing from Super Bowl Sunday is tits.

Beer, check.

Food, check.

Football, check.

Tits, ????????

The ball is in your court girls. Make it hot.

Stick it where the sun don't shine

Do you hate it too when people talk in cliche's? I fucking hate that. My list of the worse.

Ahcilles heel : Why don't you just say it's my weakness. "Oh chocolate is my achilles heel". Ok fatty.

Action speaks louder than words : Not unless those words are pronounced through a microphone jackass. Also what if the action was silent action. Like if I had a gun and I used a silencer to shoot you wouldn't that be quieter than me saying I'm going to shoot you? Plus you'd still be alive so that's good.

Grass is always greener : The fuck. Fuck grass. We don't even have grass in Brooklyn.

Grin and bear it : Deal with it. Much better. Swallow your pride. Also better.

Bear down : What's with all these bears and what's wrong with simply saying focus. Really? We need a cliche for one word verbs?

Pass the buck : I know what it means but why would someone pass along money? They should change it to pass the beef, at least beef can mean a problem.

Make heads or tails of it : Just stop it and say you don't know. Dickhead.

Sick as a dog : Is there a scientific fact that says dogs get sick? I had a dog and I don't recall him ever being sick. Like with a cold.