Long live Billy Mays

Billy May's is the best. I love those info-mercials. They are so funny. You see what he's hawking now? This Big City Burger contraption, designed to cook mini-burgers. You know what I love about info-mercials. The way they make easy things that we all do everyday in the kitchen look like giant tasks. Flipping burgers is quite easy. I mean if the imbeciles at your local McDonald's can do it so can you. Yet they picture this poor woman, this poor retarded woman flipping the burger out of the pan and spilling grease on the stovetop.

AHH, OH NO! THIS IS SO HARD!!! I NEED A CONTRAPTION WHERE I DON'T HAVE TO FLIP THE BURGER!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!. HAHAHAHAHA. I love it. See for yourself:

2009, we hope, is better

Let's move on with this year already. It was terrible.

I won't rehash anything for you. Just get drunk tonight and do something stupid.

Happy New Year!

Mango Salsa

Couple of links to peruse.

I work in this business and still do not understand how shit like this happens. No one should be paid this much, not even teachers and policemen.

This guy is like really retarded. I realize the evidence against him was obtained illegally but dude, your still a crooked piece of shit. No one is listening to you. This guy is nuts.

Sad. These people will never be at peace. On each side.

News from abroad, Britian dealing with a serious Flu. Killer flu in fact.

Housing outlook still grim. On the plus side my landlord hasn't decided to raise my rent yet. And if he does I will kill his dog. : )

Time runs us through the top ten scandals. Yeah bad news.

How Bout Dem Cowboy's?!

When a Pussy collapses does anyone care?

Santa is less than 24 hours away

El Padrino would like to extend a MERRY CHRISTMAS to all the El Padrino-iacs out there. I love you all. Eat, drink and be merry.

Broken spirit

Seven fishes. Wednesday, about 8pm can't come quick enough. Can't wait to dig in to that crab sauce, those crab legs, the scungili, the stuffed calamari, the lobster tails, stuffed flounder, shrimp salad with baccala, and some mussels marinara.

And this is after a robust antipasto. Man I'm pumped.

Not really into the xmas spirit this year. Just a down year overall. Pile of bills, grandma, job situation isn't as rosey as it could be, obama, russians, terrorists, my xbox360 broke, and also my oven broke. But, I have two legs, two arms and for all intent and purposes I'm normal. Wife's normal, baby is a blessing. So i'm not complaining. From here til xmas I'm turning my xmas spirit on full steam ahead. Choo-choooo!

your dad has nothing on me

I'm a good dad. Before I hook up the propane tank to the grill outside I let my little girl play with them. And yes she's rocking Xmas tattoo's on her hands. That's just how she rolls.

The Ox and Lamb kept time

Best Xmas song ever (not including the Peanuts Christmas Time is Here that's on another planet) is:

The Little Drummer Boy, best performed by......

Harry Simeone Chorale

I love that song like I love big slabs of beef and fresh italian bread. I want to tackle a Xmas tree and roast chestnuts all at the same time. It's the perfect xmas song and sometimes, orchestra's don't get the credit they deserve.

For some reason I like cold weather. I think I'm alone in this when I say I look forward to the winter season. Now, rain and sleet and shit like that I could do without. Snow I like too. Weird. It just doesn't bother me, I'd rather be cold then hot. Cuz If I'm naked and sweating what can I do?

Haven't walked into a mall yet, very proud of myself.

207MM gone

News Releases
One Ticket Wins Jackpot in December 12 Drawing
RELEASE DATE: 12/13/2008

There was one ticket that matched all six numbers in the December 12, 2008, Mega Millions drawing. That ticket, which was purchased in Piqua, Ohio, wins the estimated $207 million jackpot.


FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

One day? Please?
man that would be sweet.
207MM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First thing I'd do.

Assuming lump sum is what, 140MM? Give or take.
100MM in a high yield bank account. Maybe in Zurich or something like that.

The rest of the beans--- in No paticular order....

Each immediate family member gets 250K, cash. (that's like 12 people)
Each non-immediate family member gets 10K, check.

Me, wife, kid settle on a house or two. Maybe a suite condo on the West side and then a jersey shore house or something. Figure 40K for furnishes, nothing crazy.

Wife gets to go on a shopping spree. No limit.

Donating 50K to my church, 50K to Aids foundation, 50K to the Jimmy V foundation and 50K to the Children's hospital.

Would start my own clothing line. Would also quit to pursue being a sports talk radio personality.

Walk up and down the street smacking any Russian I see witha stack of $100's.

Pay off the credit cards and get the AMEX black. Nothing else.

Mail a signed picture of my balls to my landlord.

Wouls buy a sports bar. And a restaurant. Steakhouse I think. But more eclectic.

Invest 5MM in the stock market, no broker. I am my own broker.
Call Lenny Dykstra, pick his brain.

Season tickets to mets, knicks, giants, rangers.

2MM trust fund for kid, 1MM for college.

Maybe buy a few properties, and I mean all over the USA.
Row houses in SF. Wrigleyville bar or two. Club in the Bahamas. Bed and breakfast off Martha's Vineyard. Winery in Napa valley. Boutique hotel in Miami. Couple of Mickey D's. Cattle ranch in Texas. Vacation house in Tuscany. Condo in Vegas.
Shit like that.

Pay Snapple to make the old school soda's again. Like Birch beer and Cherry Lime Rickey.

Cars I don't care about. Maybe one toy car, and I like older cars. Forget private jets, I can always lease one if I need to. Commerical is fine. Less likely to crash too.

I know I'm leaving a ton of shit out but damn my mind is racing and I didn't even win.

Ok, back to sleep now.

Santa, I want........

2008's El Pad's Xmas Wish List, in the spirit of true xmas one gift from this list is fine. Christmas is not only about the gifts ya know.

Desk Sound Dock, no clue why Modell's is selling this but I like it the best.

Not like I have time to play but a new Golf Driver would be nice.

Blu-Ray player. No brainer.

Taser. On this list for the third year in a row.

Step-Brothers/Dark Knight on blu-ray.

Call of Duty World of War

I-phone. or maybe the G1 phone.

A George Muresan Fathead.

A case of J. Lohr Seven Oaks Cabernet

Costco gift card so I can buy a mountain of peanuts, two 10 pound roast beef's, 4 pounds of crab legs, 2 pounds of shrimp and 4 cases of beer.

A Bonsai tree.

A sword.

A crazy ass sleigh with a cupholder.

Socks. Who doesn't need socks?

Dark red tie, dark blue tie, gold tie.

Crispy white Air Force Ones. (Classic)

Boombox

A giant self-portrait of myself in a robe smoking a pipe and thinking.

A Shea Stadium seat, preferably from the Loge section.

Genuine Lizard loafers

A Chase Utley jersey so I can burn it.

Beer Glove

Cast Iron skillet

A drum set

Hi Dora

Sorry, I wish sick with some sort of Manchurian disease. Better now.

Sport fans, I post every Friday on one of the premier sports blogs on the web here. Check it out if you like winning money on gambling and general awesomeness.

Non-sports fans how are you? How could you not like sports? Unless your of course a women. Then it's allowable.

Grandma update. Um, in and out is the best way to describe it. Sometimes she is with it sometimes way way way way out of it. So we continue visiting her in the hospital and praying. Aprreciate all your kind words.

I've been trying to guess the 11 secret herbs and spices in KFC's chicken. Big fan by the way. Don't know if they still use it but hell here's my shot. And this is without looking for guesses on the internet.

Salt, Black Pepper, Paprika, Marjoram, MSG, Parsley Flakes, Onion Powder, Garlic Powder, Ground Mustard, All Spice, Chili Powder......I should try it to see if it tastes similar.

That's all I got.

Sigh, happy thanksgiving i guess

I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving with a little bit of a heavy heart. Grandma was admitted to the hospital Friday night from what ended up beeing "bleeding in the brain". Now I'm no doctor but bleeding in the brain can't be good. So while that was fucked up we were kind of led to believe that she would be ok. However last night she took a turn for the worse as now she is slurring her speech, having flashbacks and not recognizing who any of us are. It's quite sad as she has been somewhat of a matriach rock of our family. She's south of 80 years old, still cooked and cleaned like a middle aged housewife and was alert, normal, perfectly fine until this. Now she's a brain damaged old lady and that's not fucking cool. Not cool at all. I'm quite upset over it.

If there is a chance she can rehabilitate the injury and end up being ok I have yet to hear that prognosis yet. This is my hope, all of our hopes. Before going to my in-laws I will stop by the hospital to spend the morning with her. Hopefully she remembers me.


*Thanks in advance for any well-wishes in the comment section*

Winter Scarving

This is for men who wear a winter scarf like this picture. If I see you on the street rocking this look I will punch you in the fleshy patch that used to be your balls. And furthermore if your a man and you need a scarf, they only come in Navy Blue, Black, Gray/Grey or Brown. No Marigold or Deep Red or fucking Baby Blue. Stop adding to this crazy homosexuality thing.

Memo to the masses

GIFT CARD BUYERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stores that have already informed the Security Exchange of closing plans between October 2008 and January 2009 are:

Circuit City=2 0- most stores
Ann Taylor- 117 stores nationwide are to be shuttered
Lane Bryant, Fashion Bug, and Catherine's - close 150 store nationwide
Eddie Bauer - close stores 27 stores and more after January
Cache - close all stores
Talbots - closing down all stores
J. Jill - closing all stores
GAP - closing 85 stores
Footlocker - closing 140 stores more to close after January
Wickes Furniture - closing down
Levitz - closing down remaining stores
Bombay Company - closing remaining stores
Zales - closing down 82 stores and 105 after January.
Whitehall - closing all stores
Piercing Pagoda - closing all stores
Disney Stores - closing 98 stores and will close more after January.
Home Depot - closing 15 stores
Macys - close 9 stores after January
Linens and Things - closing all stores
Movie Galley - closing all stores
Pacific Sunware - closing stores
Pep Boys - closing 33 stores
Sprint/ Nextel - closing 133 stores
JC Penney - closing a number of stores after January
Ethan Allen - closing down 12 stores.
Wilson Leather - closing down all stores
Sharper Image - closing down all stores
K B Toys - closing 356 stores
Lowes - to close down some stores
Dillard's - to close some stores.

Last year I got a gift card from Sharper Image, I tried to use it in April. They did not honor it.

As always, the lesson is, Cash is King.

Yeah so I write now.

I'm writing a novel/screenplay/movie/Oscar/pay me. Here is an excerpt.

Zack was pissed. Not only did he lose his job over this but he also lost the trust of Jessica. The stress was almost too much. 3 days later, unshaven and miserable, Zack got a house call from Det. Wilson. He was looking for some information on the whereabouts of Timmy. "Did ya call his sister?" asked Zach. "Yes" replied Det. Wilson, "she said the last time she spoke to him he was with you" (looking down at pile of dirty clothes). Zach sat quiet for a moment. "Um, yeah, we hung out right before I was let go". "Let go", said the Detective. "Yeah" replied Zach, I was fired. "What for?" asked Det. Wilson.

That is all. I've been reading up on how to write screenplays and stuff so i figured i'd give it a whirl. The title of this piece would be Game Over (title still in works). I haven't fully worked out the plot out yet, well i have but i haven't decided on the subplots. I'll put it that way. I might make a subplot the main plot and vice versa. In short here it is.

"Zach Tyler works for EVG, Electronic Video Gaming, a company that designs and manufactures video games. It is a leader in it’s field, very successful. Zach is pretty much the go to guy in the company. He’s created three top sellers for the company and is in development for another. The name of this game is Hunted. The game is about revenge and murder. Zach delvs deeply into the psychology of this game and ultimately it consumes him. A string of murders rock Carson City, NV and unebeknowst to Zach’s family and friends, he is the guy that’s committing these murders. The development of these games he’s created, as well as games in the past have caused Zach to act out the game’s plots, all of which are causing loss of life. Connecting the dots will take Det. Wilson through the world of violent video gaming."





*The following is owned and created by Anthony L****** and is protected under the TJOKES.COM Inc. Any duplications and/or infringement of the above idea will result in a massive beating and/or legal action.*

Recycle, Abortion

Little chinese woman constantly rummaging through recycle garbage cans all over Brooklyn. Not like I care but they are impressive little workers. I mean some of them carry like 80 pounds of cans and bottles on one broomstick. I can't imagine they make more than $50 a week doing this but hey it's your party.

Crowded. Everyday. Crowded. Not pictured are two wiseass little boys seated on the bench to my right. Thank you for having those wonderful boys Ms. Mexican

Muzak

The Foo Fighters rocked my balls off this morning. I slept on them for quite awhile. That's a good band. You know, I have a ton of music that I listen to but I don't really have a favorite band. I mean I guess if you asked me that question I would answer the Red Hot Chili Peppers but it's not like I go apeshit over them or drool over album art like some dorks. Alot of people I know whether it be on the blog network or socially all of them have a favorite band. This guy Los is a huge rolling stones fan, I don't exactly get it but I don't have to. His taste. My sister in-law has a serious crush on Linkin Park maybe because she wants to bed lead the singer but that it's still her favorite band. My father and uncle were huge Pink Floyd fans. Another uncle is a severe dead-head. Cousin loves Rise Against. I can go on and on here. The point is I never really plegded an allegiance to any band. For me, I just enjoy music. If you make good music, I will listen to you. Just to name a few from my library.

I don't mind U2, I don't seek it out...the only steady U2 song I listen to is Beautiful Day. It keeps me from stabbing fellow straphangers.

Colplay. Eh. Maybe a song or two strikes me as listenable. Some of thier shit makes me want to kill myself.

Nirvana, not current I know but fucking solid shit right there.

Pearl Jam, never really developed a ear for them.

Green Day, punk rock, I can stomach them for a little while. Gets a little tired sometimes.

Listen I can't list every band in the world. You get my drift. I haven't found a complete band. Even Red Hot Chili Peppers makes a bum song that you scratch your head. Overall their shit is solid though. I'm kind of glad I don't have a favorite anyway. Keeps me open-minded to everyone else's shit and doesn't allow me to compare this one to that one and so on. It's so hard keeping up to new music anyway. We probably haven't even digested the older new stuff let alone the new new stuff. Especially with all these new dramatic bands like from Europe. Irish band and Snow Patrol and other U.K shit. I, so far, haven't minded their invasion.

Russell Stovers

No more political posts for awhile. Maybe some snide comments but nothing like the past two posts. I did my job I'd do it again. In the end I hope I'm dead wrong about Obama.

LOUD NOISES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ever on the receiving end of a voice from hell? This women's voice is just awful, loud and squeaky. A cross between Roseanne Barr and Fran Drescher.

Old guy on elevator this morning. Mind you it's 7:45 and I haven't yet eaten any food.

Old Guy (semi jogging/limping towards elevator) : Hold that please, hold that elevator!

Me : (Hitting door close button repeatedly) : Door open button is not working...(doors closing I just look away then laugh once the door's close and I'm alone).

The threat of hell doesnt bother me on bit. For all I know this is hell.

One of the ugliest woman in the world works here and harasses my boss. My god she is High Alert ugly. Fuck I feel bad for her. It's like there is no way she would ever find a mate that would even think about sharing a cab with her let alone disrobe her fat ass. And as a side note I'm 100% sure she has no mirror where she lives. All kinds of hilarity ensues from her outfits.

That's all I got. It was an exhausting week.

Be careful what you wish for.

I want to just preface this post with the following disclaimer.

I am American. I voted. My candidate lost. I will support my future president because I am not a turncoat. I do not want a civil war. I don't hate black people. I don't hate anybody except Chinese people on the N train and dirty scumbag russians who drive mercedes benze's while stealing money from the government (part of my problem with democrats). McCain ran a hell of a campaign and I am proud to say I voted for him. He is a natural patriot, a true American hero and fantastic man. I am disappointed that he loss but was amazed at the turnout and recognize the historical impact the election of 2008 had. I stressed my points about Obama the other day so you all know my issues with him, nonetheless the people have spoken and now it's time to move on and focus on the next 4 years and beyond.

But before I go.......I hope everyone who voted for Obama enjoys the next 4 years.

Enjoy the next 4 years of giving the money you earned to feed lazy people who don't feel like working.

Enjoy the Jesse Jackson's of the world and the Rev Al Sharpton's of the world deciding who's a racist or not a racist. White people unfortunately are not going to get the opportunity to criticize anything that Barack Obama does because it would be viewed as racist. Meanwhile anyone with a mouth openly bashed President Bush who not only gets a bad rap but was an above average President in these times. No republican has said Bush was great and I ain't either.

Enjoy getting taxed until your fucking eyeballs fall out.

Enjoy the national health care debacle. Free health care never works.

Enjoy the broken promises of change.

Enjoy the complete fallout from pulling out troops from Iraq pre-maturely.

Enjoy Russia doing whatever the fuck they want.

Enjoy it all! We'll talk in 2012. That's if a terrosit attack doesn't take me out on the way to work.

John McCain, 2008

I'm voting for John McCain. These are the facts.

Barack Obama and his band of democrats had a hand in this housing crisis. Democrats have fought for years to even things amongst potential homeowners. Loosening the rules, allowing candidates with sub par credit the opportunity to own a home in America. Yet all the blame gets put on the Bush. In fact it was Bush who wanted to privatize the Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac coporations. Democrats laughed at him. It is the only way to protect the tax payers and the economy against the consequences of major financial difficulties of any of the three enterprises. It was the Republiclans who proposed increased oversight and regulation of Frannie and Freddie. If Obama wanted to give Low-Income families the ability to purchase a home in America he and the rest of his pigeons should take blame for that when it goes wrong instead of smearing shit on the people who believe otherwise. For years Obama worked for a "Community Organization" called ACORN. You've all heard of thier fradulent voting schemes but besides that they spent decades, DECADES pressuring banks and bank regulators to make more mortgages available to people without much credit. Most of those campaigns had heavy racial tones in them. Look it up. Fact.

Foreign policy wise this can't be a good situation. It actually makes my stomach hurt thinking about it. The inexperience of this man will be tested by the evil leaders around the world. Joe Biden even said this much about 2 weeks ago. Experience is paramount when dealing with foreign leaders. The fact that he's willing to meet, with no pre-conditions, with the likes of Hugo Chavez and that awful, awful man Ahmadinejad says it all.

Not to mention that he was born a Muslim. And while he denounces that religion and has embraced Christianity the cloud remains above his head. Middle Eastern countries cannot like the fact that he abandoned the Muslim law and it may compromise the ability of our government to safely protect our citizens abroad and here. It is completely unrealistic to think that our relations with the middle eastern countries will improve if Barack Obama was president. Israel is shitting their pants right now. And this also makes him a assassination target. Not because he is black but because he's a Muslim apostate.

He's a borderline socialist.

Patriotism. Where is it? I don't get the sense that Obama loves our country. I get that from McCain, he seems genuine. Obama to me just looks like he wants to get in the White House as quick as possible to put his policies to work. Obama has been seen (video evidence exists) not pledging his hand over his heart during the national anthem. His wife for the first time in her adult life is "proud of her country" and Obama refuses to wear an American pin on his jacket lapel. So much for American pride.

He's unaccomplished as a Senator. Plain and simple he's spent the past year of his Senate life campaigning to become president.

Tomorrow I will cast my vote for John McCain because he is the right man to lead this country. Join me. We all want change. But we want a change that points in the right direction.