What do you think is more exciting , having sex or boosting cars?

I have a tattoo on my arm with a cross and a scroll wrapped around it. It says R.I.P Dad. When I wear polo's too work it sometimes peeks out from beneath the sleeve. And when people see it they ask if they can see the whole thing. When I show them sometimes they ask ridiculous questions. Today the following was an example of that

This is a real conversation:

Queer office guy who was born in San Francisco and likes ham and pineapple on his pizza says:
"Hey I notice you have a tattoo, what is it"

Me: "It's a cross."

Queer office guy who was born in San Francisco and likes ham and pineapple on his pizza says:
"Can I see it?"

Me: "Um, sure" (pulls up sleeve to show tattoo)

Queer office guy who was born in San Francisco and likes ham and pineapple on his pizza says:
"Oh my gosh, your father died?"

(Fake answer) Me: "No, just got it in advance so when he does I don't have to get a tattoo that says he did."

(Real answer) Me: "Yup."

Queer office guy who was born in San Francisco and likes ham and pineapple on his pizza says:
"Jeez, sorry to hear that. Must have been awful. It is a nice cross though".

(Fake answer) Me: *Forearm shiver to the nose*

(Real answer) Me: "Yea thanks"

The end.


This is painful place to be. I hate 87% of the people here. And no it's not me.

Believe me.

Hi. Welcome to the future. San Dimas, California, 2688

RIP Mr. Carlin. I thought you were a funny bastard. Make sure you complain all the way up those stairs.

It's easier to pull the trigger than play guitar. Easier to destroy than create.

I have a terriffic tequilla shrimp recipe I think I should share. I first had this sort of dish in Cabo San Lucas Mexico at Cabo Wabo. Sammy Haggar's joint. This recipe is not exactly that dish but a bit similar to what I remember.

Figure about 2 pounds of shrimp, peeled/deveined....

Marinade: 2 shallots, 2 cloves of garlic, salt, pepper, olive oil, fresh lime juice, cumin, cayenne pepper and of course the main attraction, Tequilla.

I'm bad with measurements so bear with me. Be liberal with the S&P, go about 8 shakes of the Cumin, I'd say about a half of a cup of the Olive Oil, and a little less that a half of a cup of the Tequilla. Oh and the juice of 2 limes. If the first lime is real juicy that would be enough. Use the Cayenne to your liking. I go about 6 shakes because I'm gangsta but that's just me.

Easiest way is to skewer up the shrimp (if using wood skewers be sure to soak them in water first) . Then pour the marinade over the shrimp and refrigerate for about an hour or two. Then grill. Then eat. Preferably with a beer or margarita if that's your thing.

Then while your eating them, remove your pants and do a dance.
Just kidding. But whoever does this and proves it with a picture or video gets something in the mail from me. Cuz that would be hilarious.

So you lie to yourself to be happy. There's nothing wrong with that. We all do it.

Funerals suck.

I was thinking, you know those people that dig the graves? Essentially known as Gravediggers. What kind of job is that? Who signs up for that shit? Morticians too. I know they must take pride in making the deceased look decent for the family but these people must be missing a part of thier brain that we have. Just creeps me the fuck out.

I'll say one thing about Funeral Directors. All day seeing families in mourning and all day dealing with burials and what not they must get off of work and really enjoy thier downtime/social life. I could see that being a plus. I mean really enjoy being out of work. You know what I'm sayin?

Mints are key. Just as important as strategically placed tissue boxes.

I think when I go I would want a video montage of myself played. I would also like Mr. Met to pay his respects, a live cabaret band, a pit of snakes and a fully stocked bar for my mourners. In addition no tears are allowed. If you cry, you get thrown out DJ Jazzy Jeff style. Fuck that. Life is sad enough. Deaths should be happy.

Oh El Pad died? Fucking A man I hope they have Wild Turkey cuz I'm getting fucked up at his funeral.

In other words what I'm sayin is, weddings should be like funerals and funerals like weddings. We got them all backwards. Agree?

I'm dying, how are you?

So two weeks after my godmother suffers a double stroke my godfather was found dead in bed yesterday morning. Apparentely his heart just stopped at some point through the night. Over the years he had a few neck surgeries to correct some degenrative disks and other junk. He dealt with alot of pain over the years and took alot of heavy medication. I'm guessing this all took a toll on the ticker at some point and it had enough. Either way it was sudden. He was only 49. So that sucks. I just feel for my grandma. She has buried two sons (other one was my father) and lost her husband (my grandfather) to cancer a little over two years ago. She's a tough woman though so hopefully she'll be ok. I can't live without some of her food anyway so she has no choice but to stick around.

Thanks for any well wishes ahead of time, I will be back early next week.

I don't train girls.

It's hot. I normally don't complain about summer temps because I enjoy them but it's a different type of hot sometimes. It's all because of the Humidity. When it's 97 degrees with 83% humidity it's fucking insanely hot. Like your dripping in places you didn't think produced sweat. And when your amongst 10,000,000,000,000 other people on the trains or walking in the street it just seems worse. That's my rag statement of the day.

Dubai man. They are really flushed with cash. See them building all that shit. The tallest hotel, the tallest building, man made island communities, giant office buildings...etc. Shit. I shoulda been an Oil monger.

I really hate when someone talks to me when I'm peeing. Especially a stranger.

New IPHONE, price a little lower. Maybe I'll bite.

Every man... every man has to go through hell to reach paradise.

Good thing I don't act on impulse and good thing we have laws and good thing I'm deathly afraid of prison. Because this place would be burned to the ground and the Gollum would get two to the head.

I swear my boss is lost sometimes. I can't wait to sit in a office, collect a six figure salary, take 74 days off throughout the year, and delegate work to minions beneath me. What a life.
Then come out and ask elementary questions. Or look puzzled when I speak of our procedures.

Does anyone have a routine in the morning? I gotta get back to one. It's so heltah skeltah sometimes. I need to throw a little excercise in my day somewhere. It's hard though. Your whole life changes with the kid so you have to adjust to her little life first then yours. Doable though, just takes some thought and execution. And dedication, to which I have none.

A diet would be nice too. I will make my own. I am not a sheep.

Cheesepie is delicious.

Every once in awhile a good ol-fashioned Hershey bar does the trick.

With almonds of course........

Transportation by ferry is the way to go. I am still trying to figure out how I can make this happen. 3 trains, mind blowing crowds, and long walks are really taking a toll on me. Mentally.

When someone goes by initials as names I like to guess what those initials stand for. It's fun. Like I work with this guy E.J. and yes he still calls himself E.J. so I wonder what E.J. means.
I've narrowed it down to Edward James and Elisha Jonathan.

It's a little over year since my Lasik surgery. God bless it.

I picked a helluva day to quit drinkin'.

Have a nice weekend I don't feel like writing. I'm tired. My kid is sick and doesn't sleep.

And Sarah Jessica Parker is fucking ugly. What the fuck?

There's a big snake in the plane, Jock.

As Memorial Day weekend is upon us I have to offer up another tasty BBQ recipe because I know you all used last year's Rib recipe and enjoyed it. I am a crowd pleaser.

El Pad Burgers
1 pound of 80% lean ground beef, anything more won't yield any juicy-nesssssss
Coat meat with the following (I don't use measurements)

Sea Salt, Ground Pepper, Garlic Powder, Oregano.

Take both hands and cup them together. Then pour Pecorino Romano (grated) in your hands. Mix into meat along with a handful of dried basil, dried parsley and crushed red pepper.

Then add a splash of Worcestershire sauce.

Form meat into patties.

Grill.

Open beer.

Enjoy.

Simple burgers with ordinary ingredients. I hate is when Burgers are subject to a ridiculous amount of ingredients that don't matter. If your an onion fan, finely chop two onions and mix it into the meat. These can also be wrapped with bacon. If you wish.

Have a nice weekend.

Well, I've gotta go. I've got a government job to abuse, and a lonely wife to fuck.

The Economy is really bad. The news is fucking depressing. I'm lucky I have a job in the industry I'm in. I mean even a gallon of milk has doubled in price. What the fuck.

Enough about that. You can read about the bad economy elsewhere. You come here for levity so let me provide you some.

Overweight boys getting breast reduction surgeries

Yikes. Chips and donuts, donuts and chips.

I don't eat bad but I don't eat great either. I love vegetables, whole wheat products for the most part are ok, lean meats are normally on my menu, I grill an awful lot and I only drink beer 5 or 6 times a week. What?

I can seriously eat pizza everyday and never, ever get tired of it.

I really want to open my own restaurant. The menu would be so kick ass I would always have a packed house. I know it.

Is anyone a germ freak? Like your in a bar or at a restaurant and you think of all the techniques the bartender uses and the waiter uses or the chef....and most of them are touching everything? See I dont give a shit but do you?

Kill a few people, they call you a murderer. Kill a million and you're a conqueror.

My entrepeneur spirit is kicking in again. I'm hellbent on getting a business started. I want to be my own boss one day soon. I got so many ideas just not enough resources to get them off the ground. Sad.

On a different note. Where the fuck are we going to put all these people? Is it me or is this country overpopulated and growing by the second. We need to adopt 5 more states. And drag them closer so people would live there, maybe stick them in the Gulf since no one care about that region. Holy shit man.

I really miss midtown. Jersey City really sucks balls.

80's music is awesomely bad


People that wear Marlboro gear from using their Marlboro miles really crack me up.

Those bastards - they poisoned the pizza! Sal - you didn't eat any pizza?

Spumoni Gardens review from Slice.com (one of my favorite sites)

So this is the joint. Been going here sine birth, no lie.
Great pizzeria, good restaurant, the best Spumoni.
It's famous for the sicilian pizza, pictured below.

Knives and stabbing weapons.

No more cell phone pic posts til El Pad gets another phone. He smashed it Sat night after a small, minor argument with a family member.

The stop smoking ad campaign sometimes is quite frightening. First they shoved this fat spanish guy with a hole in his neck in our face and now plastered on ad's everywhere is this lady who holds up her two hands and missing are pieces of 8 fingers. Appetizing on a morning subway ride for sure.

Rocky Balboa was awful. Stop it rev.

Seriously oil is $120 a barrel when numbers indicate it could/should be as low as $65 a barrel. We are being duped.

Cheap sunglasses > designer sunglasses

Bed, Bath and Beyond. My question is, beyond what? What is beyond? What does this even mean? I get angry when I see these stores. Does that mean they sell couches? Cuz that's beyond a bath? I'm confused and angry about this. Stupid fucking name.
At least in Linens and Things you know your getting "Things" as opposed "Beyonds". Fuck you.

There's a monster outside my room, can I have a glass of water?

I tried to post on Friday, the pics weren't loading. Blogger had it's period.

Anyhoo I was in Florida until Monday night. Had a wedding.
The plane flight home was a wreck. Weather related delays, end of passover, jews everywhere, rocky flight, two kids behind me puked, jetblue tv didn't work, hungry, taxi cab line long.
Fucking sucked.

But I am on vacation this week so that's cool.

This is an update. Be right back.

AK-47. The very best there is. When you absolutely, positively got to kill every motherfucker in the room, accept no substitutes.

On the way home yesterday I got to thinking about something.

You know those rides in Disney like It's A Small World or Pirates of the Caribbean? Where you board a slow moving vehicle of some sort and enter a dark cave or even Space Mountain, the first 3 seconds of that ride where you just embark into what seems like a black hole. Ok now picture this.

Picture that your in this vehicle right, slow moving towards a dark hole. Ok. You with me?

Now, let's pretend this "dark hole" is the asshole of a Rhinoceros. So your inside the asshole of a Rhino. Now sniff.

This is what the subway car I was on last night smelled like. I am not claiming to be an expert on the asshole scent of a Rhino but my imagination tells me it would be a vile, putrid scent that only other Rhino's would be able to stand. And since I am not a Rhino I could not stand it.

I hope whatever or whoever was behind that awful, awful smell dies a thousand deaths.

The Lord of Hosts will do battle for us. Behold his mighty hand.

This was the coolest thing ever.
Pope blesses Ground Zero

You mean that Disneyland mookfest out there?

At the dinner I attended last night the guy to my left (2nd guy)

looks like Paul Berra (wwf). Does he not?

My beer on the urinal at the Nets game Tuesday night.

This is what I call babysitting.

Some sweet peppers.....mmmm.

How do you shoot the devil in the back? What if you miss?

Met game last night.

Citifield is taking shape nicely.

My local Sporting Goods haven.

Grape tomoatoes, sautee with garlic and olvie oil.

Sautee chicken with olive oil and sicilian crakced olives.

Combine once chicken is 3/4 done.

Add pasta. Mangia!

Once you are able to kill mentally, the physical part will be easy.

Airlines ignoring safety inspections and flying planes that need maintenence is fucking disgusting.
China men are ruining the Olympics before they even start.

Scaffolding kills business.

Ever feel like there isn't enough time in the day?

Anyone familiar with Jeff Buckley. I'm gonna check out some of his tunes. I really digged that Hallelujah version he did which was covered by an American Idol contestant a couple of weeks ago.

Oh so there is this guy that always sit's in our "eating area" at around 3pm everyday and eats a snack. I notice that he is always eating something real healthy or just healthy. Today it was an orange. I'm mentioning this because I have great hate for this guy for one simple reason. He wears light blue pants once every week. I mean these fuckers are periwinkle. He looks ridiculous and they are highwaters to boot. It fucking pisses me off. Also he's a free loading ass bag. Because whenever there is "leftover" food from a meeting or function he's right there sniffing around. People like this bother me. I bethcha he is one of those Freegans.

A Kansas City Shuffle is when everybody looks right, you go left

My Likka. That's Johnnie Walker Gold, Green, Blue
(box behind the green) and The Glenlivet.
Complete with two Glenlivet glasses and a small Patron leading the way.

Beef Empenadas (homeade) with a ice cold Corona.

How gangsta is my daughter with a Burberry diaper bag?