Average Joe's Gym

Working out. Me and working out have a long history. Like any relationship it had it's ups and downs. Every time I've ended up joining a gym, I've ended up losing money because I just stopped going. So aggravating. I salute people who find the time, have the drive and actually go to the gym 3 or 4 times a week. Now more than ever I have 0 time for that shit. And I've tried, believe me, I have.

Relationship goes all the way back to high school. I was on the baseball team and basketball team. Also tried tennis (bored) and while trying out for football the track team coach recruited me to run track for a year (I was faster than the black kids, sorry obama!). Anyway I made the football team (barely, was too small) as a 4th string corner back. The first meeting I had with all the coaches I was told to start hitting the gym twice a day! TWICE A DAY! I was like yeah ok and they were like if you don't you'll get cut. And El PAD don't like to get cut, in no way shape or form, so El Pad went to the gym twice a day. It sucked balls. So much commitment to high school sports and I was already playing two sports.

Football humbled me though. Gave me discipline. Put a chip on my shoulder. My size prevented me from playing regularly. I mean it's not often your "Dime" package defense is on the field when most teams run the football. But I did get play on special teams and started to get good at being what they call a "gunner". It's where you line up wide in a punting formation and try to tackle the return man who receives the punt. Most times you have two blockers to get through. It's quite difficult but I was really really really fast so, if I can just get a small break on the inside or outside or one foot ahead of my guy they were both toast. I became so good that I was promoted to 3rd on the depth chart but again, Nickel package defenses were not being used that much either. Well, that knock that I was too small was too much, I hit the gym with vigor and with unbelievable drive. It's all I did. 17 years old, hitting the gym 7 times a week. Results....nothing. I was still a string bean. Coaches said it had to do with my metabolism. I was a skinny fuck no matter what I ate or did. So, next season I opted not to play football (also I broke my hand when spring practice came around) and focus on baseball and basketball. Metabolism won I guess.

Baseball coach never cared if I worked out, well he did but he wanted core exercises rather than lifting. I was the lead off hitter on the Varsity squad so he didn't want me hitting home runs (only had 3 my entire H.S. baseball career). So he had me doing you know, sit ups and all that calisthenic shit that came generally easy to me and took up only a half hour or so of time. As long as I got on base and score runs he was happy.

Basketball, I was buried. It was because I was white. I hate to say that but it was. I was the only white kid on the team and while I was the star for the J.V team when I got promoted to Varsity I saw about 6 minutes a game. Mostly mop-up duties and when they needed some clutch free throws I would be inserted. It wasn't that positive of an experience for a while. But then coaches changed and my senior year I played most of every game and led the team in assists, steals and FT %. We went to state and lost in the semi's. It was satisfying to show my teammates and other coaches that I could play at a high level for them.

Anyway, looks like I rambled for a minute. Sorry bout that. High School glory I guess. Back to your regular scheduled El Pad.....

Waking up 5:30am, going to the gym, working out for 40 minutes or so. Coming home, shower, breakfast, go to work. Didn't quite work out. Then I tried doing without the gym and just ride my bike in the morning to a park and do various exercises on the park play structures. That was actually more difficult than lifting weights. But alas, that did not work either. Work got out of hand, I need to be in earlier and that was that.

Coming home from work, eating dinner than going to the gym is just not ideal. Think about what you feel like when you come home from work then imagine eating a big dinner. Big dinner is what I do. I know no other way. Now, what about going to the gym before you eat dinner? Well now your talking about eating dinner at about 8:30/9:00pm. That shit can't be healthy.

What I'm doing here is I'm talking myself into believing that I am right for not making time for the gym. Clearly I am right. Right?

Screw the gym and their memberships. And their meatheads and smelly fungi bathrooms, and concrete powder substance shakes and their gay undertones and their screaming leg press guys and their silly dancing classes and their idiotic big ass rubber balls and their mirrored walls and their sweaty weight benches and their "dude spot me dudes". Fuck them all. I play sports. Once in awhile I'll throw down 20-30 push-ups. I drink beer. I eat meat. I don't run on treadmills.