My First Fucking Car.

And there she is. In all her glory. 1984 Oldsmobile Custom Cruiser Station Wagon. A throwback to a time when piling a family into a car meant wood panneling and bitchin' V8 engine. Dad taught me how to change the oil on this beast. We took this fucker down to Wildwood, NJ for summer vacations. We also did a Lake George trip and a Pocono's run. I learned how to pop the collar off the steering column with a screwdriver on this car. Which led to other life-changing events that I won't cover now. I also received fellatio in this car and sexually assaulted some girls in back carry wagon portion of this fickle beast.

I learned how to drive on this car. When I showed up the driving test with this beast the instructor took one look at me (scrawny kid, glasses, backwards hat, ny accent) and dismissed me immediately. Then I scored 100 on the test and she asked me if I can teach her nephew how to drive (how can a driving instructor not be able to teach someone how to drive i thought). Unfortunately the beast had to put down after 316,000 miles and wilted in the Florida heat. I miss her.