My First Fucking Car.

And there she is. In all her glory. 1984 Oldsmobile Custom Cruiser Station Wagon. A throwback to a time when piling a family into a car meant wood panneling and bitchin' V8 engine. Dad taught me how to change the oil on this beast. We took this fucker down to Wildwood, NJ for summer vacations. We also did a Lake George trip and a Pocono's run. I learned how to pop the collar off the steering column with a screwdriver on this car. Which led to other life-changing events that I won't cover now. I also received fellatio in this car and sexually assaulted some girls in back carry wagon portion of this fickle beast.

I learned how to drive on this car. When I showed up the driving test with this beast the instructor took one look at me (scrawny kid, glasses, backwards hat, ny accent) and dismissed me immediately. Then I scored 100 on the test and she asked me if I can teach her nephew how to drive (how can a driving instructor not be able to teach someone how to drive i thought). Unfortunately the beast had to put down after 316,000 miles and wilted in the Florida heat. I miss her.

2010 El Pad Xmas Wish List

First off, I've asked for a Taser every year and I still haven't gotten it. Whatever. I want a fucking Taser.

In lieu of a taser, a bow and arrow.
Door kegerator kit.
XBOX 360 with all the bells and whistles.
One large Liger (Liger.)
Old School Survivor Series T-shirt.
One of those remote controlled helicopters from Brookstone.
Scotch
Wine
Beer
Those Flip video cameras are quite cool.
A cast iron pan.
A powerful laptop so I can rid myself of the bulky Home PC.
A globe.
A tablet PC for my travels abroad.
Food Processor, a really nice quiet one.
Ice Cream machine.
Piano, a big fucking Piano. I want to tickle the ivories.

Happy Shopping and remember it's the thought that counts.

Watch the parade and wait for Santa

Happy Thanksgiving guys. I'm taking tomorrow off but back Friday with my yearly "I WANT THIS SHIT FOR XMAS" list.

I know you're waiting on that.

Gobble gobble. Even though I'm not sure why Turkey stuck out as the main dinner option when the feast consisted of so much more like......The feast consisted of fish (cod, eels, and bass) and shellfish (clams, lobster, and mussels), wild fowl (ducks, geese, swans, and turkey), venison, berries and fruit, vegetables (peas, pumpkin, beetroot and possibly, wild or cultivated onion), harvest grains (barley and wheat), and the Three Sisters: beans, dried Indian maize or corn, and squash. (source WIKI aka The Bible)

Fucking wish we ate the three sisters instead. HEY OH!

Holiday Beer Season

Remember my beer post from awhile back, when I harped on seasonal beers? Well Xmas cometh early with Sam Admas Holiday Porter Malt. It taste like xmas morning, angels breasts, caramel, spice, slight autumn breeze and dove sex.

Another fantastic brew from Sammy Adams is Old Fezzig Ale. Available in the seasonal beer 24 pack this season. It taste like a sugar cookie with cinnamon, pine, a baked log and jesus breath. It's equally awesome.

Tomorrow I will try the Chocolate Bock. I imagine I will like it.

Holiday Porter.

Old Fezzig Ale.

Splinter

Remember thinking it was the end of the world when you got a splinter? I'm trying to think of the age but getting a splinter as a kid was so dramatic. Because you knew that your dad was going to take one look at that thing and get the damn sewing needle out to fish that sucker out of your finger. CRY ME A RIVER. That was some stressful shit.

I remember vividly having this one splinter from messing around with the garbage the lady next door was throwing out. She was re-modeling her house and there were some old 2X4's that I guess I had interest in. Anyway I had this massive splinter that initially I hid from my dad because I knew his tactics. And I wasn't down with that. I told my mom in confidence and too her credit she held off telling him for a day or two, it wasn't until the damn thing started to actually hurt when she gave me up. He took one look at that thing and grinned like he was getting paid to remove it. I screamed NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, he tried tweezers but they didn't work, due to my delay the wood situated itself under the skin. So the pin had to be used. And I cried and cried. He looked at me to stop crying, probably wondering to himself why his son was such a little bitch. I mean my dad was a tough bastard raised by a tougher bastard. And here I am crying like a lil girl while he's trying to remove a tiny foreign object from my tiny little index finger.

Not my finest moment.

Anyway splinters suck but are far less dramatic than they once were. I can't wait to torment my kids when they she get one.

Free Parking

You know living in NYC, well Brooklyn, has its perks and its hazards just like everywhere else. Parking is one of those hazards, unless you own a house with a driveway or rent a garage, finding a spot on a Brooklyn street is downright impossible at times. You literally have to drive around for a half n hour looking, hoping someone needs to leave and be at the right place at the right time to grab thier spot. And usually its at least a block or two away from where you actually live. It blows.

However the pizza is the best. And the deli's. But the parking sucks. I've wasted some of my life looking for a spots and it's annoying.

All Hallows Eve.....aka Halloween

Halloween, I don't know. I'm not judging but I think it's silly when adults dress up. But it looks like fun. Costumes are for kids. I know, this opinion sucks. Sorry. Either way here are my favorite halloweens growing up.

Batman, classic.
Spiderman, classic.
Hulk Hogan, was awesome.
Bam Bam from The Flintstones
Mike Meyers, classic.
Hamburglar from McDonalds.
Plastic Man, don't even trip that was bomb.
He-Man, classic.
Thundercat guy with the red hair.
Ninja Turtle, Leonardo.

I was a King once. Because my mother was cheap and just used the costume I already had for the school play.

Garbage. Literally just took a garbage bag and tapped shit to it. It was like the inside of a garbage pail threw up.

and that's all I can remember....

Halloween, a strange "holiday" if you think about it. It's actually just the day before All Saints Day or All Hallows Day. Dating back tho the 16th Century and it really does have to do with something spooky. Commonly its a prayful day which one forms a spiritual bond with the dead. Now it's just a reason to dress up in a slutty outfit and drink your face off. Not that I'm complaining. I wish I had an All Saints Day memory but it was just one more day to go to church and I hated going to church.

Romosclaviclehurts

Another sports pic that makes my day. This one tops yesterday's photo. I think.

Oh well, shit happens

Well, maybe next year Phillies.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Just a thought

I like taking legendary movie roles from other characters and mashing them into some of my favorite movies. Like could you imagine taking Joe Pesci's My Cousin Vinny character being the character of Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men. Or having Al Pacino character from A Scent of A Woman being Col. Nathan R. Jessup? What a tremendous idea.

Legalize Weed

Do it already, it would rescue the economy by allowing states to tax the plant. States would end up with surpluses. Jobs would be created. I mean think of it. Is Marijauna that bad? Alcohol is leagal and it kills more people than just about anything else. Did you know that the bible says God created marijauna on the third day (granted it was hemp but hemp comes from the Cannibas plant). Cannibas plants have been around for 8000 years people, and legal up until 1906. Which means our fore fathers were smoking that shit everyday.

"Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed which is upon the face of all the earth.…To you it will be for meat." … And God saw everything that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. (Genesis 1:29-31)

I mean God said it. So let's get it done. It's no different than sitting on your coach drinking your face off. Hypocrites.

Are you voting for this guy?

You know, this guy is right. The rent is too damn high.

Bad music good memories

Remember cheesy R&B music. Like Color Me Badd. Man that shit was awful but awesome. The 90's had it's moments with music. Like bad music that we all loved. Outside of the rap and hip-hop scene (which really started to take OFFFFFF in the 90's) other music was so bad it was good. Sort of like the 80's. Remember trying to impress a girl in school? I remember that shit. Everything seemed so serious then. I'd be chilling with my Walkman, had some tapes on me. Would gift my lil teenage lady a Boyz II Men tape and she's let me up her shirt. Good times.

Tony! Toni! Tone! has done it again. Play that anniversary song they sang for the 3 month anniversary, chick would give you a looseleaf letter with her lipstick on it. Those were the days boy. Little R. Kelly before the kiddie porn or some Jodeci.

Amazing how music triggers these memories.

Space Nuts

Ever get amazed by space? Isn't it fucking nuts. Space is nuts. Read the Wiki page for the International Space Station. That shit is crazy. I wanna fuck in space. Just me and my lady rolling around in the air, locked into to each other with my third orbital arm. Would be cool to pull out and watch semen fly slowly through the air.

I apologize

Don't you think that some 80's sitcoms would make killer band names?

Who's The Boss?
Perfect Strangers
The Wonder Years
A Different World
Boys Will Be Boys
Dear John
Different Strokes
Down To Earth
Full House
Hill Street Blues
Open All Night
Please Stand By
Square Pegs
Silver Spoons
The Baxters
The Facts of Life
Three's a Crowd
Three's Company
Throb
Webster
Working Stiffs

Even today's shows would work, or 90's sitcoms or sitcoms of the 50's, 60's 70's, they all work!

Just Shoot Me
Mad About You
Wings
Home Improvement
Friends
3rd Rock From The Sun
Community
Vampire Diaries
California Dreams
King of Queens
Futurama
Green Acres

Ok I'll stop.

Fallin for Fall

Today I profess my love for the fall season. If you live on the east coast and especially the northeast part of the country (Midwest too) then you know what I'm talking about. Fall is my favorite season of the year. Let me count the ways.

Weather. Today it's 66, sunny, slight breeze. The word is Crisp.
Apples. Apple pie. Baking, in general. Apple cider donuts.
Pumpkin cakess, pie, muffins.
Football. From Thursday to Monday with highlightsm analysis and previews in between.
Oktoberfest beer and other spicy dark brews.
Stews, chili's, pot roast, soups and other baked meats. Hearty food.
Foilage. Let's admit. It's beautiful. Gay or not.
Did I mention football?
Another step closer to Christmas, the most wonderful time of the year.
My wedding anniversary, we both share a love for Fall.
Peanuts and The Great Big Pumpkin.
Those fall smells, like maple pumpkin apple spice candles my wife buys.
Windows open at night. Breeze, cool 50's. Blanket, sleep.

random

You know what I like to do, usually when I take a shit? I like to peruse a catalog or dept. store magazine and pick one thing from each page that I'd like. It's fun. You know another magazine game I play is? I will usually do this with a sports magazine. I'll force myself to pick 25 things that I'd like to have or must have before the magazine pages run out. For instance if there is a nice truck or car on page 5 i'll take it. But you'd be surprised how you might not get to 25 things. Try it.

ok now that you know I'm really retarded go back to your reguarly scheduled internet surfing.

What I drink and Why

What I drink. Depends on the setting. I drink pretty much anything. Here's what I prefer.

Beer in any setting. Relaxing, partying, driving, eating, snacking, socialing, dancing, etc. Beer is good anytime and anytime I will drink it.

Scotch - Must be high quality, aged at least 12 years preferably 15. Blends work as well. Single Malt however is my favorite. I have a deep love for Glenlivet. It makes my balls tingle.

Whiskey - Tennessee sipping whiskey as they say. Jack Daniels is my favorite. If I'm out a club or bar with dancing and loud music I usually end up drinking Jack and Cokes. Sometimes I order it like this : "One Jack and Coke please, hold the Coke." Jack and Ginger is a close second.

Vodka - I just started getting involved with Vodka and I have to say, I'm impressed. Good Vodka barely registers a taste which makes it easy to shoot. Especially when cold. Also, not much of a hangover the next day. This is key. Good ol' fashioned Vodka and Cran if I'm feeling feminine. Rare but it's happened once or twice before.

Rum - Good rum, is extremely underated. It's delicious. Taste of caramel. During my travels to Jamaica I was on a steady diet of rum. I never felt better. My personal favorite is from Jamaica, Appleton Estates. And I'm talking dark rum.

Tequilla - Unless in a Margarita, which is acceptable at good Mexican restaurants (on the rocks) I like tequilla from the freezer to shoot. I have a love hate relationship with it. Sometimes I love it, sometimes I hate it. Good tequilla is nice though.

Wine - With dinner. Or chillin on a couch surronded by chocolates and flowers. Wine is lovely. When I drink wine I feel like my net worth grows.

Cordials - Grand Marnier. Nice subtle orange liquer. I like Kahula and milk as an after dinner drink while on vacation. Frangelica or Amaretto with coffee or a Sambuca with espresso. I don't normally do after dinner drinks like these but weddings or dinner parties they are a must.

Drink.

Men, you're welcome.

31 Ways to Open Your Beer in case a bottle opener is not available.

True use of a wedding ring.

Party Block

Block Party tomorrow. Clear the streets let the kids run around all day, cook, drink and be merry. Block parties are awesome. It's just one long day of hanging out. Of course the block party originated in NYC but I hope no matter where you live you get to chill out at one.

That reminds me, remember those corny rides as a kid like The Whip and the Pirate Ship? Man those rides suck but we loved them. Or Himalaya. Yeah let's go around in a circle for 3 minutes. YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can I go on again!!! So easily amused. That's when life was simple.