Mango Salsa

I wish we lived in a world where no one would get their feelings hurt and everyone would be normal. I don't want to disappoint anyone so please don't have any expectations of my behavior towards you. I will treat you the same. I just want to live, eat and be happy. The human is a fickle beast.

Football trip is back on this year. Gaylord friend wants to see Peyton so it looks like Indy. I want to go to Seattle, stadium/city looks awesome on TV and the internets.

RIP Jack LaLanne, what a legend.

Nothing like a nice artic blast to wake up the ballsack in the morning huh?

Best thing about winter is Mallomars.

I just don't want to be 50 years old and still worrying about money but it seems like that is the way it's going to be. Career change? Maybe. Can't just sit at a desk and collect 250K a year like you used to in this business. Always a bullseye on your back.

I once shot an elephant while in my pajamas. Not sure why he was wearing my pajamas.

I'm a poet

thought i wanted more
that's insane at it's core
i dont mean to be a bore
but i wanted four
i will never have more
fuck me for wanting four

kids are wonderful but don't put a number on how many you want cuz chances are that number will be reduced severly after having one, unless you are one of those cat freaks or hoarders who hoard children

that is all

My Restaurant Empire

I imagine, because I love food and enjoy company, my restaurant empire all the time. What i'd look like, menu items, locations and most importantly names. I'm a dreamer. Here are the names of my restaurants.

Cheeks - A giant sportsbar, similar to Hooters except the focus is on ass. Womans ass. Is this a riff on Hooters? Some may think so but I'm a leg and ass man not a boob man. Don't get that confused with saying I don't like boobs. I do. But i'd rather bury my face in a perfect ass than perfect boobs. Just sayin. Anyway so I like beer, wings, hot girls all in one place. What that makes me a pervert? A sexist? No, it makes me Amercian. Cheers to Cheeks! Menu would be quintessential bar food, focusing on my wings, my ribs, my burgers and my heros. Beer on tap to the tooth and giant plasmas all over. A true sportsbar. Waitresses would be required to wear poom poom shorts that leave little to the imagination. Itty bitty titties are allowed. Besides, if Hooters aint gonna hire them that's a lot of good asses going to waste. Who wants to invest?

The Musty Butt - This is my dive bar. A hidden gem that the neighborhood ends up falling in love with. Craft beers on tap, rustic dishes you wouldn't expect to find at a musty butt kind of place, a juke box, antique decor, booths, tables, bar seats and character. Everybofy knows everybody, maybe some board games, everything homeade, NO TV's!!!! (except for at the bar) just hood fun.

El Padrino's - Barrio style cheap spanish food. Spanish in a broad sense. I mean all over the map. Mexican specialties like traditional fish tacos, taquitos, flautas, etc. An authentic Tapas menu, a few island dishes like Arroz con pollo, Chulitos, Arepas, Roasted pig, mojo and everything else. Not too fancy but not like a cafeteria somewhere in the middle.

Della Feminia - My Italian venture. Classic neopolitan Italian dishes. Hearty pastas, fine proteins and fresh greens. I would hire an Itlalian pastry baker too so that desserts and late night espresso business was swift and profitable. 10 pastas, 5 pollo selections, 5 veal selections, 5 fish selections and 2 beef selections. Big antipasto menu and deep wine list. For an Italian place to work you have to nail the basics. Perfect sauce, great meatballs, fresh pastas and only the finest imported cheeses. The rest will follow if you can accomplish the basics.

Leonards - My pizzeria. With the craze of the imported ovens from Italy being all the rage I think I'd just rely on a simple coal oven. Just nail the ingredients and the dough. Pizza making, you'd think is easy but it's not. It's hard. There is alot of bad pizza out there. My style would be classic Neopoletana style pizza. Did you know the average american consumes 750 slices or 23 lbs of pizza every year? It sells. The name was my grandfathers confirmation name and was passed down to my dad and myself in the form of a middle name.

Making love to food part 1

Sfogliatelle dear, I fucking love you. No it's more than comfortability, I fucking love you. I'm just thinking about our life together. I feel like I'm walking on a cloud. My penis is tingling right now.

I think I'm going to make it my business to eat one of these once a week until the day I die. It is so delicious. I wanna fuck it. Like it's gorgeous and everything. You know?

SNOWBALL FIIIIIGGGHHHTTTT!!!!

Life Rule #78

When someone says or uses the phrase/term I'm "out of town" they are lying and/or are murderers. I've watched alot of crime shows and seen a kajillion movies where the alibi for a suspect is "out of town" and almost always without fail that person ends up being the killer.

So you're not fooling me out of towner. Lying criminal.

My boss uses that term alot. Oh I'm out of town. Jerkoff. Probably sitting home watching Maury Povich. When I go somewhere I say "going to PA" "going to jersey" "going to Maryland". I never say I'm going out of town.

Life rule #78 - Out of town = lies/murder.

New Year, whatever

New Years, so overated. Who gives a shit. New year, same shit. Instead of writing 10 when you fill out a check for a bill you have to pay you write 11. Sheer excitement. I mean let's face it you go to bed in 2010 the same man/woman you wake up to in 2011. Your cock aint bigger. Your fat hasn't slid off your hips. You make resolutions that last 20 minutes. It's a farce.

My favorite thing to do on New Years Eve was to hit up Atlantic City and gamble like a man possessed. But those days are over because I have kids. And kids, while wonderful little creatures of laughs, are also anchors. Strapped to your body until they are 40 years old. Because at least in AC, there was a chance, albeit a longshot, to start the New Years off a rich man. To start the new year off with something you didn't have before. It's really the only thing I want to do and when the kids turn 40 I'm gonna do it. I can hear AC calling me now.

Anyway Happy New Year if you're into that kind of thing.

Snow day

SNOW

Is it a pain the ass to get to work? Yes.
Is it a pain in the ass to get your car out? Yes.
Is it a pain in the ass to go to the store? Yes.
But that doesnt mean I don't love it. Only communists don't like snow.

Goddamn supermarket, everyone acts like there will never be food again.....I hate people but I love snow.

spirit

Baby it's cold outside. Xmas time is here, two days away from the feast of the year. 3 days away to prove what a cool daddy you are. I'm really starting to feel the Holiday spirit. This morning I drove in and I actually yielded to pedestrians! I never do that. Thanks Santa!

Crabs in marinara sauce
Grilled Lobster tails
Cold seafood salad
Fried Shrimp
Stuffed Squid
Baked clams

our version of the 7 fishes, no meats allowed and looks like only 6 and none of them are fishes. So it's not exactly traditional like in the old country.

For Xmas I go to her parents and I think they are doing a Prime Rib and a turkey.

I bought my daughter a two foot Gumball machine. Can't wait to see her reaction.
I remember, and I think I mentioned this already, but I remember when my parents bought me this bitchin Knight Rider bike. I mean waking up and seeing it assembled in front of the tree was at that point my greatest moment in life. I'm hoping to give my daughter these memories. And once my son is old enough him too. I mean it may be a commercial holiday now but at the time I though Santa was real and did this and it was such a good feeling. These memories drive xmas spirit.

Santa on Drugs

Unfortunately Kris Kringle's brother was introduced to booze and crack cocaine. Shortly thereafter he fled the North Pole for the seedy underground of the NYC Subway.

That's all I have for now

I'm back. Johnny Mathis seemed like a cool guy. You know that stupid dinner question? Like if you can choose 10 people to share a dinner with on a deserted island or whatever? I hate that question. I especially hate when people choose Jesus Christ as one of the dinner mates. Like Jesus would get deserted on a fucking island. He's gods son dumbass. He wouldnt be stranded on an island with some losers.

Back in 2 and 2

Hiatus.

Just for a bit.

It was a boy like I told you

12/4/2010, 8:07AM

6lbs. 2 ounces, 18.5inches long
nice size for a pre-term baby

He came a bit early (5 weeks) but he's doing well thus far, just waiting on word when we can take the lil dude home. Pics soon.

Thanks for the well wishes.

I am a poor boy too

What's your favorite Christmas song?

Mine is "The Little Drummer Boy", perfected by The Harry Simeone Chorale

My First Fucking Car.

And there she is. In all her glory. 1984 Oldsmobile Custom Cruiser Station Wagon. A throwback to a time when piling a family into a car meant wood panneling and bitchin' V8 engine. Dad taught me how to change the oil on this beast. We took this fucker down to Wildwood, NJ for summer vacations. We also did a Lake George trip and a Pocono's run. I learned how to pop the collar off the steering column with a screwdriver on this car. Which led to other life-changing events that I won't cover now. I also received fellatio in this car and sexually assaulted some girls in back carry wagon portion of this fickle beast.

I learned how to drive on this car. When I showed up the driving test with this beast the instructor took one look at me (scrawny kid, glasses, backwards hat, ny accent) and dismissed me immediately. Then I scored 100 on the test and she asked me if I can teach her nephew how to drive (how can a driving instructor not be able to teach someone how to drive i thought). Unfortunately the beast had to put down after 316,000 miles and wilted in the Florida heat. I miss her.

2010 El Pad Xmas Wish List

First off, I've asked for a Taser every year and I still haven't gotten it. Whatever. I want a fucking Taser.

In lieu of a taser, a bow and arrow.
Door kegerator kit.
XBOX 360 with all the bells and whistles.
One large Liger (Liger.)
Old School Survivor Series T-shirt.
One of those remote controlled helicopters from Brookstone.
Scotch
Wine
Beer
Those Flip video cameras are quite cool.
A cast iron pan.
A powerful laptop so I can rid myself of the bulky Home PC.
A globe.
A tablet PC for my travels abroad.
Food Processor, a really nice quiet one.
Ice Cream machine.
Piano, a big fucking Piano. I want to tickle the ivories.

Happy Shopping and remember it's the thought that counts.

Watch the parade and wait for Santa

Happy Thanksgiving guys. I'm taking tomorrow off but back Friday with my yearly "I WANT THIS SHIT FOR XMAS" list.

I know you're waiting on that.

Gobble gobble. Even though I'm not sure why Turkey stuck out as the main dinner option when the feast consisted of so much more like......The feast consisted of fish (cod, eels, and bass) and shellfish (clams, lobster, and mussels), wild fowl (ducks, geese, swans, and turkey), venison, berries and fruit, vegetables (peas, pumpkin, beetroot and possibly, wild or cultivated onion), harvest grains (barley and wheat), and the Three Sisters: beans, dried Indian maize or corn, and squash. (source WIKI aka The Bible)

Fucking wish we ate the three sisters instead. HEY OH!

Holiday Beer Season

Remember my beer post from awhile back, when I harped on seasonal beers? Well Xmas cometh early with Sam Admas Holiday Porter Malt. It taste like xmas morning, angels breasts, caramel, spice, slight autumn breeze and dove sex.

Another fantastic brew from Sammy Adams is Old Fezzig Ale. Available in the seasonal beer 24 pack this season. It taste like a sugar cookie with cinnamon, pine, a baked log and jesus breath. It's equally awesome.

Tomorrow I will try the Chocolate Bock. I imagine I will like it.

Holiday Porter.

Old Fezzig Ale.

Splinter

Remember thinking it was the end of the world when you got a splinter? I'm trying to think of the age but getting a splinter as a kid was so dramatic. Because you knew that your dad was going to take one look at that thing and get the damn sewing needle out to fish that sucker out of your finger. CRY ME A RIVER. That was some stressful shit.

I remember vividly having this one splinter from messing around with the garbage the lady next door was throwing out. She was re-modeling her house and there were some old 2X4's that I guess I had interest in. Anyway I had this massive splinter that initially I hid from my dad because I knew his tactics. And I wasn't down with that. I told my mom in confidence and too her credit she held off telling him for a day or two, it wasn't until the damn thing started to actually hurt when she gave me up. He took one look at that thing and grinned like he was getting paid to remove it. I screamed NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, he tried tweezers but they didn't work, due to my delay the wood situated itself under the skin. So the pin had to be used. And I cried and cried. He looked at me to stop crying, probably wondering to himself why his son was such a little bitch. I mean my dad was a tough bastard raised by a tougher bastard. And here I am crying like a lil girl while he's trying to remove a tiny foreign object from my tiny little index finger.

Not my finest moment.

Anyway splinters suck but are far less dramatic than they once were. I can't wait to torment my kids when they she get one.

Free Parking

You know living in NYC, well Brooklyn, has its perks and its hazards just like everywhere else. Parking is one of those hazards, unless you own a house with a driveway or rent a garage, finding a spot on a Brooklyn street is downright impossible at times. You literally have to drive around for a half n hour looking, hoping someone needs to leave and be at the right place at the right time to grab thier spot. And usually its at least a block or two away from where you actually live. It blows.

However the pizza is the best. And the deli's. But the parking sucks. I've wasted some of my life looking for a spots and it's annoying.