2010, I come with full force

My 2010 New Year Resolutions:

Learn the secrets of Kung Fu.
Eat more fish.
Keep my lips un-chapped.
Get some new pants.
And socks.
Build a smoker.
Engage someone into a fistfight, it's been awhile.
Get a two year subscription to the WSJ. Sick of buying it.
Play lotto more. Ya never know.
Open up a Wing Joint.
Perfect the footlong mozzeralla stick recipe.
Market my own beverage.
Shave my balls more often.
Cutback on candy.
Perfect my golf swing.
Eat more hamburgers.
Go to DiFara Pizza before Dom DeMarco dies.
Hit up an NFL stadium, continue the tour.
Go to a Wu-Tang clan concert.
Visit a member of Lordz of Vengeance.
Use credit cards less.
If my bonus is good buy my wife something expensive.
Buy a cast iron skillet.
Capture a live deer, feed it bacon then race it.
Build a small outdoor bar for my veranda.
Do One Hundred push-ups a day.
Get a CDL (commercial drivers license).
Design a Vitamin regimen and do it.
Learn the Tango.
Try snake charming.
Stop cursing in front of my daughter. (will never happen but gonna try)

Pictures, XMAS

Someone bought me a Snuggie, I know I'm not happy about it either.















Santa came to my house and brought with him this bounty.

Oh Deer God!

Crab sauce, I can eat crab flesh all day long.

Merry Christmas

To all and to all a good night. I'll post a couple of xmas pics next week. Enjoy the season.

The Shopping

Stats from yesterday's marathon shooping excursion.

$824 spent

11 people taken care of

2 outfits the kid pissed through

1 of them she threw up on

2 Avocado rolls from the cheesecake factory

8 times i saw a women on a cell phone arguing with someone (probably her signifcant other)

9 toys

2 returns

8 mini cinnabon's

4 retarded old navy workers

2 santa clauses

61 miles

$19 in tolls

Ho ho ho.

Snow

It's gonna snow. Bring it.

Update, 14 inches (TWSS)

Shoveling it was a bitch because I ended up doing 3 houses. Hoping Karma will get me on the back end. I got mad old folk living on my block. Including my landlord so I'm a good guy ya know.

It looks great though and the kid is super excited to build a snowman. I think we have enough to build one on the balcony even though it was covered there is like 7 inches on there. It's the most wonderful time of the year.

I'm an adult

Don't give into peer pressure, you are an adult.

Like if you are out in a bar and one of your boys wants to go somewhere else but you want to go home fucking go home. Don't take no shit. Let him call you a pussy if he wants. A Pussy is good, it's soft, warm and gooey like a fresh chocolate chip cookie. You tell him watch this pussy go home then bitch. Get off me.

If you don't like something speak up. For instance I don't like American Cheese. I know I'm fucking crazy right, no. You are crazy that shit adds nothing to any meal. Shit is processed, gets spit out of a machine. I like real cheese. Like Cheddar, Mozzarella, Swiss, Parmagiano Reggiano, Locatelli, etc. Cheese that gets made. Not created. Fucking american cheese sucks and adds very little flavor to anything. Fuck american cheese. Don't stare at me cuz I don't like american cheese on my burger, if you have some other cheese options than hook me up if you don't than you are the crazy one. Shit is cheese product not cheese. Get off me. Don't let some fool clown you because you don't like American cheese.

Scenario,

Both of you order a burger, you without cheese
Cheese ends up on both burgers
You make a stank face and bitch about it
Your boy starts clowning you, just eat it how don't you like cheese anyway
You go back at him, I do like cheese just not cheese product bitch
You send it back or if you fear the mexican will spit on your shit you scrape off the cheese and make due.

Either way don't eat it in it's orginal state cuz your a man and you stand by your likes and dislikes. Get off me.

For my New Yorkers out there, only give up your subway seat for pregnant or handicap women. You are tired too and deserve a seat. Don't let people look at you and force you to get up when you don't want too. Fuck that. Pretend you are sleeping or constantly rub your knee if you feel like justifying why you are not getting up. Old ass Chinese people can't be that tired. Don't these people have chairs at home. Get off me.

Grimace LIVE!

If Grimace was painted blue this would be it.

Dear Santa

Keeping on the Christmas these without further ado my 2009 Xmas Wish List.

First and foremost since my Xbox busted back in March or May, can't remember I want a new one. If I get nothing but that it'll be a good xmas.

Still haven't gotten that Taser, been asking 3 years running now. Let's pick up the pace fat boy.

A deck of cards with naked chicks on them. Nostalgic reasons.

A case of this. It's my favorite.

Papa needs some new shoes.

Vanilla milkshake. Please.

A speargun. Don't ask.

I-Dock for my desk.

Jack Daniels, the big one.

I need a new belt, preferably black.

A Bansai tree. Feng shui.

Knife block that hangs on the wall. It's cool.

Stella Artois gold rimmed beer glass.

I've been good Santa, hook me up.

Xmas Time Is Here

Is the tree up? Have you started your Xmas shopping? Is the Xmas music station on? Are you making a list? Have you lined up the Xmas party dates? Are you feeling it!!!!!

Yes, yes, it's Christmas time again. So get out the turtlenecks, put the shovel in the hallway bust out the wintercoat and the Xmas decorations. I have to admit I'm a sucker for Xmas. I like the spirit of it. I don't really get gifts anymore so it's really not that. And now that I have a lil tater tot it's fun picking out things that I know she'll go ballistic for on Xmas morning. I also happen to like winter, in a weird way. My favorite things hands down are:

colorful lights on the tree
candy canes
egg nog and peppermint flavored food items/drinks
charlie brown xmas special
xmas movies on like Home Alone, Xmas Vacation, etc.
scotch drinking in cold weather
cookies

Spread cheer. Be merry.

The Wooden Spoon

Wooden spoon was brought up in the comments section of my previous post and it just brings back so many fond memories that I had to speak on it. Fucking wooden spoons. Who knew they'd be the weapon of choice for 80's mom's across the country. Heavy wood too. We ain't talking no flimsy, skinny ass spoon. Shit had some thickness and it cinked off your head you had a fucking knot. If the blow landed on your back or arm, Welt City. Fucking thing was no joke. And only Mom wielded it. Dad would beat your ass with his bare hands, mothers need the power of something because they don't hurt without one.

One time I clearly remember getting hit with it as she was using it to stir a pot of sauce. I came home from playing football and I didn't take off my pants which were caked with mud. And I just strolled into the kitchen and you know went about my business of pilfering whatever was in the fridge (there were some leftover rice balls I was thinking about consuming while I was playing football, no I'm not fat) and then on the back of my neck I get hit with a hot wooden spoon, sauce splashed assault. Fucking hurt. DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO TAKE THOSE OFF IN THE HALLWAY! OW, DID YOU HAVE USE THE HOT ONE THAT WAS IN THE SAUCE!

Fucking wooden spoon. It was a bastard. Ever get the knuckle whack one? Where she would quick strike the spoon on the back of your hand and it felt like it shattered your knuckles. Hated that. And when you busted one mom ran out and bought another one the same fucking day. Torturous.

Kids

Holy crap having a kid is hard. Let me just say whoever is planning on having a kid and is reading this I want to go take a bath with a toaster.

Maybe it's just my kid, you remember the Muppet Show? Then the lil one's like cartoons, muppet babies I think? Yeah well my kid is animal. the lil pink creature thing. Right now, despite my yelling at her for about 20 minutes not to do this, she is eating an apple while lying on her back on the floor and spinning around unitl her feet hit her table in front of the TV. Then, like a lil karate kid, she'll sweep the table legs and knock it down. Your probably sitting there reading this thinking, that ain't so bad, and in the grand scheme of things. It isn't so bad. But sometimes all you want is peace and quiet. Having kids is anti peace and quiet. It's like bombs and noise. Constant.

There goes the table again. Fucking kid.

And the Hits Just Keep On Comin!!

Capping off the great week with the influenza. I find out Monday if it's HiN1. Can't remember ever feeling this sick. Fever just wont quit, consistently in the 102-104 range. Woe is me.

Anyway Happy Thanksgiving to all.

RIP Grandma

My grandmother went peacefully yesterday afternoon. After a year long struggle since she suffered a stroke on Nov 24 she fought and fought like the tough Irish woman she was. She couldn't fight no more and succumbed to her failing health days ago and didn't waste anytime in taking her last breath. She let us all say goodbye at some point and held on to her favorite's son hand and passed quietly.

Death is not always beautiful but in this case it seems as if it was. She is survived by one daughter, one son, 10 wonderful grandchildren, and 4 great grandchildren. She was a huge influence on all of us, as grandmothers usually are. Religion may be crap but I imagine her right now being reunited with my father, his brother and her rock of a husband. I imagine they are whopping it up, and I bet Grandma has a pot of sauce on.

I already miss you and Grandma we all love you and thank you for sticking around for 73 years.

Motorboatin' Son Of A Bitch

So you think you like big tits huh? Well get a load of that!

Great tits man, great. I'd motorboat those things with the quickness!
Do they sell bras that big? Or does she just tie them up with a queen size blanket?
Good lawd talk about top heavy, bitch can't bend over without doing a full front flip.

Oral Copulation By Force

Why are they showing this woman on TV? The one that got attacked by the chimp awhile back? Is there any humility? Will these network executives parade their mother on TV if she was mutilated by a chimp? Fucking Oprah is a giant heifer and whore. GMA would show seals being clubbed if that's what drived ratings. Makes me sick. And I don't get sick often.

The American President should bow down to no one. That was disgraceful.

Climate change is the biggest farce in the history of farces and Al Gore has made more money talking about it than anyone. He's a whore. And fat. Actually he is just like Oprah but instead of a black woman he is a white woman.

I have to admit I am a sucker for everything Christmas.

Does spilling shit piss you off? Pisses me off, I hate it when I spill something, even a drip.

Five Guys burger joint opening up near my job. I've heard great things. I'm stoked.

P.S. Jersey City is a shithole.

Also I had Taco Bell for the first time in like 2-3 years and it was great. Next up, White Castle. Haven't had that in probably 4 or 5 years.

Bearded Men Are Brave and Strong

I'm growing a suite beard. But it's more of a social experiment. You know when someone dressed up as a fat person to see how they would be treated in the streets? Well it's sort of like that. You see every morning I take the Path train to Jersey City for work and there are Port Authority cops doing bag checks, random bag checks as you get off the escalator. Now prior to the beard I'd never, ever, ever been called over to have my bag checked. Since my beard, which mind you is only 5 days young, I have had my bag searched 4 times!!! 4 times. My beard is not even terrorist looking! I am outraged!! I'm calling Bill O'Reilly!! Get me Sean Hannity!! Glenn Beck needs to hear this!!!!!

No but serious, beards are awesome. Not sure why my wife doesn't like them. Something about being hairy or something, looks gross or whatever. Silly.

Smile, you are on Subway candid camera!

Wide load including a legendary wedgie.

God forgive me but some of these people are the ugliest in the world.

Fuck the Yankees

In honor of the Yankees winning their 27th Championship I have written a poem. And it's doesn't ryhme.

Fuck the Yankees and their fans
Fuck them hard and as fast as you can
Fuck your glory and your dumb fucking stadium
Fuck yourself you have a brain made of shit
Fuck your father for making you yankee fans
Fuck your mother for birthing such monsters
Fuck your sense of entitlement for titles that were 100 years ago
Fuck your pinstripes and your fitted blues
Fuck your mystique and fuck your aura
Fuck your payroll and fuck the Steinbrennars
Fuck Waldman, Kay, Francesa and Sterling
Fuck the fans that send me text messages
Fuck the Yankees and their fans

The End.

Cereal Aisle

You guys remember the cereal aisle when yous were kids. Mom and Dad would pick you up from school and yous would head down to the supermarket and once you turned into the cereal aisle pandemonium erupted? Those were the days. When you didn't have a care in the world other than Can I get me some Crunch Berries please. So to feel nostalgic I picked up some Franken Berry's and Boo Berry's (not pictured). It's funny how certain things can bring your childhood back. Cereals do that to me.

Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus

Man it feels good to be back.



HAAAAAAAAAAAHAHHAHAHHAHHAAAAAAA.

What's funny is I could stay in a place like that for a month. Just stupid. That's how I described the beach, just stupid. We took a sailboat out about 2 miles off the coast and I jumped into the Carribean Sea with some goggles. I wouldn't call it snorkeling, or even smart but I did it and it was exhilarating. I saw starfish the size of hubcaps. I saw squid, big squid, I saw big sea cucumbers, beautiful coral, fish of many kinds and those sea urchin things. When I snorkeled in Turks and Caicos it was somewhat controlled and while I saw some awesome aquatic wildlife there I think my latest experience is going to lead me to learn how to Scuba. Coming up for air is such a pain in the ass. I want to become one with the sea. I've decided to take some classes the next time I plan a vacation so that when I get there I'll have couple of dry runs under my belt. Really take this snorkeling shit to the next level. Cuz that's what I'm all about lately.

Taking shit to the next level. You have been warned.

More Pics

She loved all the characters, especially Bert.
Main pool, extended all the way put past that bridge.
Took that sail boat out twice, snorkeled off it once.
Yeah Mon!
Friggin gooks are even in Jamaica!

Guess who's back.

Walking sister down the aisle.
Me, wife, kid.
View from our room.

More pics to follow.

Oral Copulation By Force (Vaca Edition)

As I set to embark on a week long trip to the beautiful island of Jamaica I have a couple of lingering thoughts swirling around my head. And lucky for you I will share them with you.

First things first, if I come back and the Phillies are in the world series, shit is getting broked up.

I have to cut my nails before I go.

Shaved chest or leave it alone? I think it growing back faster and thicker is a lie. Since I'm not hairy I just buzz it, but I do shave my balls.

Damn near November, gonna get sunburnt fo sho'. Just out of sheer drunkedness stupidity. And I tan well but 12 hours in the sunm drinking, carrying on, I'm sure something will get burnt up.

Bringing a two year old on the plane. I am now THAT guy. Fuck.

I have Bob Marley's entire catalogue on my Ipod. The only thing that's missing is some dreadlocks.

Powder is key to avoiding a bathing suit rash.

Rum. Is. Delicious.

An Arab on a plane going to Jamaica would be weird right?

If my luggage is over 50LBS and they ask me to pay some sort of fee I will be on the news.

Pics to follow, piece out neighbors.

WAIT FOR IT

t minus 4 days bitches


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Fat Girls Need Love Too

I should make fat barbie dolls. And market them. That might make money, because not every broad is growned up to look like a barbie doll. Skinny, size 2 waist, giant 36 boobs, long flowing blond locks, long legs, perfect lil ass. Not all woman look like that. My Barbie would be like 175-200, dark hair, mushy tits that hang a bit low and a flat ass. Not exactly my taste but certainly some other guy's taste. I mean this people are having sex with someone right. The way I see it it will give these girls some confidence. Your not going to look like Barbie so suck it up and either do something about it or be comfortable in your own body. And play with my dolls. I will call them Lardie. Lardie dolls! If I can crank some out for the holiday I can retire by January. Genius!

Oral Copulation by Force

Finally read exactly what took place in Jack Nicholsan's house on March 10th 1977. God damn Roman Polanski, you are a piece of shit. (Roman Polanski wiki)

I do, however, like seeing/saying/doing "Oral Copulation by Force" and will replace Mango Salsa with that for the time being.

Time to overload on everything pumpkin and apples.

I'm not a soup fan but when I do hanker for a soup Au Bon Pain, despite it's french name, makes some of the tastiest soup in the world. I could bathe in the Broccli Cheddar one.

Speaking of bathing, who knew soap was such a dirty little whore.

Can you get an STD from perusing Facebook?

I don't eat enough Ice Cream. Which I guess is a good thing if I want to remain somewhat skinny. But still, that shit is delicious.

El Fashion

I'm amazed at what some people wear outside of thier house. I guess that's why immigrants can afford all the houses. They wear ridiculous looking clothes. Even some people I work with, they look absurd. I'm not a fashionista myself but I'll be damned if I get caught wearing a godamn purple shirt with orange stripes or a pair of lite cords with some black johnny cash shirt.

For me it's simple. Any variation of blue and white including solid blue and solid white. Gray, black, khaki pants work. The dude that sits across from me right now is wearing a black striped shirt, the colors of the stripes are purple, green, tan and white. He's wearing that with black slacks and brown shoes. Not only does none of that match but the black shirt looks like it's been washed about 765 times. Which means it was bought approximately 17 years ago. Jesus christ buddy I know you have 4 kids but damn. Costco sells shirts now. Look into that.

On the weekend I could give a fuck what anyone wears. It's the weekend. Do you. Me, I like solid colored t-shirts and polos. I wear shorts up until November so after November jeans it is. And not nut-hugging jeans. They need to be a bit baggy and long on the crotch. Just for comfort, not saying I'm Ron Jeremy but I need to be able to move freely in them otherwise I won't wear them. In the dead of winter I will turn to sweatpants as my leisurewear.

Name your dirty parts

I want to know if woman have a nickname for their genitilia.

Like sometimes I refer to my package as Bee, Bop and Rock Steady. Other times I simply call them the Holy Trinity. For my single most important member I have various names for him, like Woodrow, Swingline, He-Man, Awesome DeSauseege, The Professional, Dr. Doom, Fat Bastard, Senator Wang, King Dong Can, Juicy Fruit, Power-I and Richard Schwinghammer.


Ladies do tell, do you call your vagina Mary Poppins? Or refer to your tits as Thelma and Louise?

Do you have like a name that really isn't a name but more like a place? Like do you refer to your area as the Field of Dreams? Or Honey Town, USA?


I need to know

Happiness is Jamaica

22 days until Jamaica

I have to find some linen pants. Why I don't know. It's what my sister wants and it's her wedding thing so I guess for a change I'll listen. Funny thing is I'm doing what woman do. I'm rocking them with a tag and removing them right after because when I get home they will be returned. I don't wear linen pants for the same reason that I don't go flower picking. Read into that as you may but the bottom line is linen pants are the gay.

My honeymoon was in Jamaica so this is going to be a return trip for me. I love it. Love the people, they are all lil bubbles of sunshine. Love the accent, love the music and love the food. Can't wait to get on that beach and pee in the crystal clear Caribean ocean. Fucking Beef Patty diet, Red Stripe beers, various other mixed drinks, jerk chicken wings, coco bread, wonderful fresh fruits, strong mountain coffee, maybe some fresh herbs if you knowwhatimsayin.

Red Stripe! Hooray Beer!

And now, a Poem

A Poem for my love, Mallomars:

Oh Mallomars how I love thee
draped in chocolate, times three
pillowy soft marshmellow on a bed of sunny golden graham
so decadent, so sweet, it's like you really give a damn
if you posessed a vagina i'd marry you tomorrow
your quiet and lovable and never ask to borrow
a bright yellow box to whisk me away
I could love you to eternity, an eternity and a day
as i wash you down with ice cold milk
i can help but marvel, over your chocolate silk
i wish you were available all year round
but i understand why, you are so profound
Oh Mallomars how I love thee
if only i can plant you and grow a mallomar tree

The End.

Random Shit aka Mango Salsa

I'm so glad football is back in my life. My wife seriously hates football. I don't know what her deal is.

If you guys haven't seen Step Brothers yet please do so. I quote that movie daily. Other movies I quote daily (and when I say daily I mean everyday) include:

Bad Boys, No Country For Old Men, Dodgeball, Wedding Crashers, Trading Places, Scarface, Casino, My Cousin Vinny, Bronx Tale, Goodfellas, Anchorman, Along Came Polly, Kindegarten Cop, Terminator 2, White Man Can't Jump and A Few Good Men.

I've mentioned this before but whenever the elevator door shuts in someone's face my soul warms up like an easy bake oven.

Remember Lite Brites? I gotta get one of those. I want my daughter to play with all the toys I played with. So I need to start buying some Matchbox cars, Hot Wheels, a Lite Brite, Operation game, shitload of Leggo's, Play Doh, Garbage Pail Kids cards, Nerf guns, Kooshes, a Jibba Jabba and WWF Wrestling Ring complete with a steel cage and several figurines. Also gonna have to pick up a three wheeler. Preferably the Knight Rider one.

Any tips on how to have a son? I heard reverse cowgirl is the way to go. Please advise.
(Nothing against daughters, it's just I want to breed a NFL QB)

Mamma Mia

Overheard a lady ordering a chicken parm hero without the sauce and cheese. Mexican behind the counter was stumped. Had to call over the Italian guy who makes the pizza and watches soccer. Discussion:

Lady : Hi I need a chicken parm hero with no suace and no cheese.

Italian guy : So youwanta a chickencutlet on hero?

Lady : Um, chicken parm.

Italian guy : Madam a chickenparmagiano is a chickencutlet witha saucea and acheesa. Without the saucea or acheesa you just havea chickencutlet on dehero.

Lady : Ok I'll have that.

The End.

alternate ending:

I shoot her in the head.

The End.

Fucking Weirdos

Saw a ton of weirdo's out this morning. I was like wtf. All before I even got to work.

Some guy was running across six lanes of traffic on a busy Brooklyn intersection. That was amusing. Either his pants were on fire or he was racing his imaginary racing friend.

Saw another guy jogging, just wearing some short ass training shorts, and nothing else. Hairy ass motherfucker too. It was like a gorilla escaped from the zoo and he was running away from a pack of zoo trainers toting tranquilizer guns.

Then I saw this dog that had dreadlocks. Not sure if this was the Bob Marley breed of dogs but the owner was like 9 feet tall. So that was interesting.

Also so this arab lady in full arab garb buying cigarettes? Huh? Isn't like pork and cigarettes a no-no in that religion.

Since the day is not over I would not even look twice if on the way home I see a unicorn with a leprechaun riding it into a rainbow with doves flying around.

WTF people get your shit together!

Our Pearl Harbor

9/11, 8 years later

The memory of that day is still fresh

I haven't been able to watch the Documentary Inside 9/11 on the National Geographic channel without A) tearing up, B) straight bawlin' or C) finish it all in one sitting (it's 2 hours long) but there are a couple of things that stand out to me and I'd like to talk about them being as this is the anniversary.


The three most gut-wrenching moments.


1) The survivors who were above the impact zone of the towers, waving, waiting for rescue. They really thought they were being rescued at some point. So sad. When that building suddenly collapsed do you have any idea how scared they were? They were turned to dust.


2) The firefighters climbing the stairs, filing into the towers as they got closer and closer to collapsing. They play radio transmissions of firefighters and two captains made it to the 78th floor of the South Tower and you can hear his fear, his panic in the voice where he calls for help in fighting the fire on that floor. 10-45 which means dead bodies is said more than once. The minute those Towers collapsed all those lives were lost an in instant, the same instant they decided to walk up those stairs to fight a fire and save anybody that was still alive. Tragic.


3) The phone calls made from passengers on the hijacked airlines. Most notably the United 93 plane that was overtaken back by some brave men. Could you imagine your wife or husband calling you and your watching the news and they are going to be part of that news in the most tragic, horriffic way? I can't even grasp that, I can't even imagine what that is like.


The Pentagon camera footage that shows, for a milli-second, the jet right before it slams into the E ring. Amazing.

The fact that knives were allowed on the airplanes back then. Major hindsight type thought like, what the fuck, why were knives allowed on airplanes if the cockpit doors weren't sealed shut?

Overall the general feeling of anger that this happend on our soil with our planes. They hijacked our commercial airplanes, relatively easy and flew the planes into our buildings. WHAT THE FUCK. After spending months in our country learning to fly the damn planes. The lax of the country, our security, our borders, our "student visa" program, our response to international attacks, etc. was not our proudest moment. And it cost us American lives in a gross fashion.

I will never get over or forget what happened that day. Never. I carry the images, the smell, the walk, the tears, the panic, the soot, the horror, the phone calls, the unity all with me everyday. I walk past the site everyday, twice a day. My path train rumbles underneath what used to be the World Trade Center. I'm not allowed to forget because besides being a New Yorker, I'm an American.

Handicapping

SWEET FUCKING DEAL ON NFL/COLLEGE PICKS IF ANYONE IS INTERESTED.

Yeah so I've been a football junkie for a long time and know how to pick a game. Click the link and check out the offer. Yes it's yours truly.

First day of school sucks

Having a rough day today guys. Today, due to necessity, I had to send my daughter to her first day of school. She is only 2 years old. Still a baby of sorts. I feel so bad, like I abandoned her. Everytime I call and check on her she is crying. I feel like shit. Fucking dogshit to be exact, like the tan colored one that looks like peanut butter frozen yogurt. This feeling sucks and I don't wish it on anyone. I hope she gets used to school quickly. Don't know how long I can deal with feeling like this. The only good thing is it's 2 days a week only. So by the time she goes full time, she'll be 3 and used to it, hopefully, by then.

I remember the first day of school way back until about 1st grade. It sucked. Obviously. But I liked shopping for new gear. Loved the crispy new sneaks or shiny new backpack. Other than that it blew. I can see why she's so pissed. After I make some real money I'm pulling her out and home-schooling her. Just everyday I'll have her read Wikipedia articles until she learns it then move on to the next. In fact I am going to create a Wikipedia ciricculum and sell it to other parents. How bout that school? IN YOUR FACE! Not sending the girl to school will also prevent boys from touching my little angel. Little Bastards!

Labour Day

Labor Day, the unofficial official end to the Summer. Sadness for some, joy for others. I am others. Love the fall. Love the fall, love the fall. I enjoy summer but I'm not a teacher or anything so I work pretty much the entire summer so it's not like I'm out enjoying weather. Plus the weather was not very good this summer. Only like 8 or 9 90+ days and had some nice stretches of rain. The Fall weather is my favorite. Foilage is sexy and my favorite sport (football) kicks off. For some background on Labor Day I urge you to learn about it here. Unfortunately it appears as if it originated in Canada.

I'm going to hit the jersey shore (New Jersey's only redeeming quality are the beaches) participate in a BBQ Sunday and relax on Monday i;e No Labor. Going to be a nice weekend. Enjoy yours.

A Short Story

This morning I stopped in a Dunkin Donuts because I had to have the new Heath Toffee donut that is for a limited time only, and as I ate it staring out from a window I noticed right across the street there was an Equinox on the second floor. So as I'm eating a donut, I'm watching people run on treadmills. I thought that was ironic. I mean my first thought is don't these people work? Like what time do thy have to be at work?

My feeling (watching them) is not one of guilt by the way as I think running on a treadmill is by far the most retarded thing to do at a gym. I just can't wrap my brain around paying a membership to a place to run on a machine when you can just run outside. It's bad enough joggers are dumb but this takes it to a whole new level. If I'm going to pay for a membership to a gym I'm going to lift weights or use machines I can't use anywhere else, like in my apartment or house.

Am I crazy?

Bloc Party Pics

Block party was great. Drinking games, drinking in general and drinking occured. One of those "Damn I can't believe I drank 20 beers" type day. Thanks to all involved. Yes that is an block of ice that funnelled liquor down your throat. I told you fools block parties are fun. Believe me now?

Block Party

You know what's fun? Block parties. Those are fun. When I was kid there was nothing better. Fucking running through the streets without ever having to worry about a car killing your ass. Wiffle Ball torunaments, water gun fights, kickball, stick ball, opening up the johnny pump to cool off, bike races, stealing neighbors property, just overall running amok. Great. I have one tommorrow and the activities I did as a kid changes since now I'm sortof an adult. Instead I will be sitting on a lawn chair in the street eating bbq'd food, drinking cold beer from a iced garbage can and listening to music. Also yelling at kids. And maybe play some ball if there is a hoop out.

A snack for all, except one.

Hilarious. Dogs are brilliant animals.

55

Happy 55th Birthday Dad.

The most interesting man in the world.

I have this unbelievable desire to become a wedding singer. No idea why or how this came about. Whenever I go to a wedding and see a live band I cringe because I know the party won't be as good. Live music is nice but a dj and lights and shit are half the party. People dance when a DJ is spinning shit ya know. Yet I want to sing in front of people and get paid for it. So bizzare. The thing is I don't even know if I can sing. I doubt I can. I think it's just my quest to be the most interesting man in the world. Like that Dos Equis guy. I bet he can sing. And play the bongo's. Other things the most interesting man in the world must know/do include:

Flying an airplane.
Handcrafting a ship in a bottle.
Blacksmith.
Building houses.
Make your own beef jerky.
Sail.
Play the guitar, piano, saxophone, trumpet, drums and harp.
Surf.
Handpaint nude woman.
Certified to give old school Thai tattoo's.
Shoots a bow and arrow with deft accuracy.
Races cares, notably 1960-1979 vinatge Porsche's.
Salsa dancer.
Dog whisperer.
Chef.

big black titty in yo face

Hey Woodstock, where's Snoopy?

Shit

Ok I know you hate when I say that I'm busy at work but I can't help it. I'm so fucking busy. But as usual I have a couple of thoughts I'd like to get down.

You ever wonder the origin of curse words? Or cuss words for my southern folk? Like who decided fuck was a bad word. Where did it come from? Is it pig latin or an old dutch saying? I need answers on this.

Do you ever think about things like, if it were 1623 what kind of Pirate would I be? Would I be a cool pirate or a failure of a pirate? I was thinking about this the other day on the train.

Because I saw this lady and she had a pirate tattoo (pictured below) and at first I was like wow that is class all the way but then I realized that it would be foolish to get a pirate tattoo and not work a parrot in there. Seriously honey you have to know any pirate tattoo should have a parrot.

Mango Salsa

I'm spent from work, had this post planned but blogger erased it. Woe is me.


Some quick thoughts though....


Love when people run for the train and miss it. Always makes my day.


Training camps (NFL) are open. GIDDY!


Are the Mets making a run?


Love when white people flash the "Peace" sign when taking a picture. Total hilarity.


Figured out why we get fatter as we get older. It's simple. We used to not like things and as we get older we start to like them more. For instance I was never a big cheese fan. Actually other than Mozzarella I didn't care for anything else. Now I wouldn't turn down any cheese (other than stinky ones, like real stinky ones). Hence why we get fatter, as we get older. I'm a genius.

Rap music is dead.

It rains alot and this summer has not been hot at all.

I have to clean my grill, wife is mad at me cuz it's dirty. She's so silly sometimes.

Happy Birthday to El Pad's Daughter

What a difference two years makes!

2's, Terrible

So my daughter turns two on Tuesday and we're having a lil party on Sunday. But that's not what this post is about. We've noticed that my little angel has been behaving a bit different lately. Behavior that is somewhat similar to what they call the "Terrible Two's".

"To help you cope with this normal stage in your child's development, you should always remember that your child isn't trying to be defiant or rebellious on purpose. He is just trying to express his growing independence and doesn't have the language skills to easily express his needs."

Maybe it's my patience wearing thin but damn this chick is trying me. First off she's a terrible sleeper, since she's been born. But now it's worse, she won't go to bed until like 11pm if we don't force her down. Yet she loves 3 hour midday naps and gets pissed if you wake her up. Then there are days she skips nap. Point being a counter attack to tantrums and bad behavior is the use of routines. She always tries to break the routines, probably not on purpose but it happens.

She is not a good eater but I'm not worried. She ain't starved and still gets vitamins from milk. But so far, very picky eater. If it ain't chicken nuggets or fries or pizza she wants no part of it. Yet devours cookies, chocolate, candy, etc. No shit right. Shocker: Kids like candy.

Tantrums suck. I mean I don't want to make her out to seem like a problem child, she's not but she has her fair share of tantrums. And they suck. Because they are loud and long. They are real good at breaking patience. Time outs usually do nothing and we aint slapping the kid around (yet). So really you just let it play out.

All in all her first two years on earth have been awesome. Couldn't imagine life without her, just sometimes, you bite the fist ya know. It ain't easy being daddy or mommy for that matter. She's with her most of the time. Let's just hope the terrible two's come in like a lion and leave like a lamb.

Summer Cut

Every summer when the bell rang letting us out of school for the last time until September my dad would be waiting for me in the 1984 Oldsmobile with a smile on his face. The smile spoke to me, he was ready to have some fun and so was I. But first, we had to get business out of the way. So we'd drive down to the Frankie on New Utretch Ave, I'd saddle up in the chair and 7 minutes later I had a crew cut. Just like the one below. I am 29 and without fail, every summer I rock this look. Luckily I'm attractive enough to wear it. And luckily it always grows back.

Water Park Review

With summer here I think a good topic to cover here at El Pad headquarters are water parks. Now, I know a thing or two about water parks. Despite hating standing in line I love me some water rides and been to many of them. Here's a quick rundown of the water parks I have frequented and my favorite attractions.

Hurricane Harbor, Six Flags, Jackson NJ
Favorite ride there. I'm a fan of going faster than fast on a body slide. The more stairs I have to walk up the better. And tubes just slow me down.

Camelbeach Mountain Waterpark, Poconos PA
I like Triple Venom and the Vortex.

Wet N Wild, Orlando FL
Craziest ride I've encountered in a waterpark is the Bom Bay. Your in a rocket, hovering over a body slide and then the bottom falls out from under you, 1 second later your at the bottom. Awesome.

Blizzard Beach, Orlando FL
Disney water park within Disney. They have a great Rapids ride you can do with a group which is always ariot but the best is the body slide Summit Plummet. 120 feet is fucking high. And you get down there quick, 50 mph for a body slide is serious shit.

Rapids Water Park, West Palm Beach FL
Black Thunder is it. I know Black Thunder sounds like the name of an African American stripper but it's not, it's a kick ass ride into darkness.

Mountain Creek, Vernon NJ
Bombs Away. Also the free diving off Big Moe is fucking awesome.

Jolly Roger Splash Mountain, Ocean City MD
The Stealth Mark III is as good as a ride as I've been on. The dude that pushes you down the drop is attached to the top with a bungee chord in case he falls. Gangsta.

Splash Zone, Wildwood, NJ
This one is a bit tame but fun nonetheless. On the boardwalk too so no driving and shit.

Busch Gardens Waterpark, Virginia
I was like 8 years old so don't remember much. Looks nice.

I feel like I'm missing some. Maybe I'll remember and update it. Maybe I won't. Water parks are good times man. I like taking like a Tuesday off and going because the weekends are crazy packed with snot nosed kids.

Check out CNN's top Water Parks across the country.

Ocean City, Maryland

Yeah so I was on vacation last week. Was trying to post pics from my phone but blogger for some reason didnt except them. Here are a few of them.

We took the Cape May Lewes Ferry to cut the driving a bit. It was a nice little way to start the vacation. She was not scared, obviously. The beach shot is the view from our balcony. And the pools at the hotel.

Happy 4th, Thomas Jefferson was smart

Declaration of Independence, word for word. Suck it Britain.

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.
He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.
He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.
He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.
He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.
He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.
He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.
He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harrass our people, and eat out their substance.
He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.
He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power.
He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:
For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:
For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:
For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:
For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:
For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:
For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences
For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:
For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:
For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.
He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.
He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.
He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.
He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.
He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.
In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.


HOO RAH!

DOI

Cell Phone Pics Fridays

Tired ugly people on the train.


















This guy's neck is going to feel wonderful when he wakes up.

Perfection

This, is the most perfect sangria you'll ever see.

In the heart of Greenwhich village lies this wonderful oasis of perfectly cooked seafood paella and arguably the best sangria in town. This sangria is so heavenly that when I drink it I think of naked woman stroking harps on clouds and it's raining marshmellows and there is a bright sunlight grazing my skin like the touch of Jehovah.

The seafood paella is so good I damn near piss myself when I eat it. It makes me so happy that I would put it right behind a blow job and eating an ice cream cone while getting a blowjob. So yeah it's fucking outrageous. Anyway if I made a list of places to eat when travelling through Manhattan it would be the #1 joint.

Take a trip to Spain bitches.

What's black and white and comes in little cans?

Michael Jackson.
(sorry couldn't resist)

My two cents on Mike Jackson is simple. He was a broken, troubled man. Deeply saddened by his childhood and alienated by immediate family members. Can I defend his actions? I cannot but he's dead now and there's a guy that is pretty good at judging people based on what they did on HIS earth so I'll leave that to him. Now you've read pretty much everything about his last days, his life and his music what stands out to me is how sad of a life he ended up happening. I mean between the drug abuse, the skin disease, the surgeries, the weird situation with surrogate mothers and broken marriages it just screams tragedy. A tragic life for one of the most gifted musicians we'll ever see. Heaven or Hell his music will live on forever.

RIP Mike Jackson, 1958-2009

So Michael Jackson died. More on this later...for now just this clever cartoon from the Atlanta Journal Const.

Cell Phone Pics Fridays

I grilled some apples, actually were pretty good.


















Mexican night.













Yoga Dude. Gay eh?

EL Pad Diet

I'm designing my own diet. I'm smart enough to do this and do not have a degree in nutrition. I refuse to use other people's advice or regimen. Fuck them. And I won't pay for anything, I can think of something myself. Use your brain people.

1 and 1/2 of your meals will consist of fruits and vegetables only.

Your choice. This means, one whole meal consists of fruits or vegetables only. 2-3 servings should be the what you eat (in that meal). Then the 1/2 is to accompany a lean meat.
The other meal is to be whatever your heart desires. Anything. The goal is to stay away from eating 3 big meals, racking up unecessary calories, burning more fat just on limited amount of inertia and speeding up metabolism. Here is an example of what I ate today:

Breakfast
Plum, Banana and a pint of blueberries. Water. Fresh orange juice.

Lunch
2 skinless chicken breasts, sauteed broccli, large green apple, water

Dinner
Gonna be whatever the fuck I want but I just spoke to my wife and she's making stuffed peppers which is good because it's lean ground beef and involves a vegetable.

Snacks throughout the day could include sweets but moderately. Try and sub the sweets with nuts, hot beverages (fools the belly into thinking your full), cereal (not too sweet though), breadsticks, toast, pretzels, low salt chips, frut bars, granola bars, yogurts, muffins, etc.

My snacks for today were two Rafaello Ferarro treats and I infused blackberries in hot tea with lemon and a dash of sugar. Drank plenty of water and chewed some Eclipse gum, which also curbs appetite because your chewing and the enzymes get digested even though hardly any substance of use gets absorbed.

Disclaimer : If you die don't blame me.

Fasten Your Seatbelt

Are all cops douchebags? Never ran into one that wasn't, that's for sure. This morning I had to move my car because in NYC we have what's called Alternate Side Parking. If you don't move your car you get a ticket from the Dept. of Sanitation who need to clean the streets. So as I was walking to my car I saw a spot on the "right" side of the street. As I hurried to get there I turned the corner only to see a cop car, but he waved me to go first, nice gesture I thought. Then as I line up the spot, check my mirror he has his lights on. I continue backing into the spot thinking those lights can't be for me so on the loudspeaker cop #1 says please stop your vehicle. For fuck's sake I stop, they come out, act like I'm a carjacking thief because they stand like 10 feet away and approach from both the driver's side and the passenger side ask for my paperwork and return with a $120 ticket for not wearing a seatbelt. Unfucking real. I told the cop I live up the block and was simply moving my car, his retort was "fasten your seatbelt the before you move your vehicle, it's law". Fucking cuntbag.

Seatbelt law in itself is dumb anyway. If I want to risk my life that should be my decision. It won't directly harm someone else if I'm not wearing a seatbelt. It's not like I would be projected through the car window and spear some old lady driving down the street the wrong way. Lawmakers are the worst.

Things that twist my sack, #47

From the file of "Things that twist my sack" comes this little tidbit :

Hot, crispy McDonald's hash brown. So delicious, so delectable. Perfect morning food. Here's my beef. The little white wrappers that hug the shit out of the morning treat I love so much. And here's why. They are not gentle. You ever order a couple of hash browns and a sweet tea, drive away stop, grab a succulent fried potato dream and attempt to remove it from the dastardly white wrapper? Only for the dastardly white wrapper rip the exterior shell from the fried potato dream? Then flip out like a monkey in a cage with a plastic banana and curse McDonald's to the highest fast food god? I have. WAY to many times. Memo to Mickey D's, use something that nestles and nurtures the fried potato dream. Not something that treats it like a cheating wife. I can't stand when my hash brown goodness gets compromised because executives choose a poor encasement wrapper.

That really twists my sack.

It was fucking hilarious.

I laughed. Go see it. Then we'll discuss.

When Shit Gets Done

Saturday felt good. You know when you got a shit load of shit to do and you just keep putting it off or run out time and the list gets bigger. Well I tackled a list like that on Satruday.

Dry Cleaning : Should have opened one myself. Major business, only overhead is equipment. My bill averages $150 a month. Fucking Koreans.

Haircut : I hate getting haircuts. Yet I despise ponytails on men. Go figure. But yes I consider it a chore.

Jeweler : I need my wedding band to be stretched because my fingers got fat. Yup, it's finally starting to happen. Metabolism is slowing down, weight happens. Laugh it up all those people that wished this on me when I was 160 pounds for like 7 years. Fat fucks.

Car Insurance Inspection : I switched from Geico ($3900 a year) to Progressive ($1940 a year). That was a wise decision. But I had to get a photo inspection done at one of the Carco locations. It didn't take long and was free but it's still viewed as a pain in the ass.

Oil Change : When I was 13 I would help my dad change the oil on our Oldsmobile. But now I just pay someone the $25 and have them do it. It's easier this way.

Food Shopping : When is this not a chore? We eat to damn much.

Cell Phone Pics Fridays

I tried this over Memerial Day Weekend and it was superb.
Try it. You'll like it. Try it, I know you'll like it.

















Rotten lil kid from donwstairs. Damn grandchildren.

















Nice coffin.

PA has some redeeming qualities

Weekend was solid, we put together a slip n' slide in the backyard. Drank Yuengling cans and had a bucket of margarita's in the freezer. The PA house is a nice getaway, it's located up in the Pocono mountains of Pennsylvania. It's a large compound of luxury houses surronded by lakes, golf courses, ski hills and other recreational activities. My uncle bought a house up there about 5 years ago.

Hideout link.

Picture Gallery.

It's a nice little getaway you know, different from a NJ shore house or Hamptons getaway. I can fish all I want, I can lay in grass if I choose, sit on some rocks on a creek, skip rocks on the lake, drink beers under the stars, get a roaring fire going in the back, chase deer, golf, shoot hoops, make pretend I can play tennis, ski in the winter, rent a boat or just sleep and relax. Which is key. For some reason the house brings out the sleep til noon el pad. It's just cozy.

No Super Bowl MVP I know gets rescued after flipping a fucking kayak.

I smell pussy. Is that you Tom?

Tom Brady rescued in a river after flipping his kayak over. HAHAHAHAHAHAAHA.

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

BBBBBBBBWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

oooooo

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA

hold on ::gasping for air clutching side::

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA

BBWBWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

holy shit this is gold

because even if eli manning is the most boring, preppy, illeterate looking son of a bitch out there, in no way would he ever need to be rescued from a river after flipping over his kayak.

furthermore, I'm sure as a Super Bowl MVP, Eli would figure he'd rather die in that river than get pulled out by another man.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA

Suck it Brady!

Hilarious link.

Diseased

I had some cell phone pics to post but they are on my work PC and I'm home. Sick. Got some hybrid chest flu thing. Combination of the kid and the gooks on the subway. Deadly combo.

I almost bought the green bags that I can store fruit up to 2 weeks longer!

Oil is going to hit $85 a barrel. Listen to me. If you in the market buy some long Oil future contracts or oil related stocks.

Air France flight 447 details are horrifying.

I'm not letting this illness detract me from going away this weekend. Still plan on going up to PA for a little R&R. Although there are plans for 50 ft. of fury. Which is 4 Slip and Slides.

I just find it weird that Obama quotes the Koran over the Holy Bible.

Today is national Doughnut Day. Dunkin and Krispy Kreme are giving away free donuts. Homer Simpson cries tears of joy today.

Shaving and haircuts are terrible.

Growing Pains

One of the joys of having a kid is watching them grow, learn and discover new things. But I got to thinking last night that if my kid knew what I knew about a couple of life's minor details she might be better off.

For instance she has a pretty bad cold right now. And I'm trying to teach her how to blow her nose. You see, as you all know, if you blow your nose mucus will come out and relieve some sinus pressure and if it does come out it will cause you to cough less. She doesn't understand this and gets pissed off when I try to show her how to blow the boogers out. Also since we are a pill popping society she sees us prepping a little dropper with medicine in it and flips out. Like fights you. She has a mean right jab too. Caught me in the eye last night. Little wench. Anyway if she knew this medicine would alleviate some of her symptoms she would take it like she takes candy.

Another thing I noticed that I think she'd appreciate is to hold the stick of a lollipop when eating one. Do not hold the actual candy. Because, and I know this will blow her mind, once you wet the lollipop it will get sticky and your hands will also become sticky. She looks at me like "yo man wtf are my hands sticky for" and expects me to wipe them while she eats the lollipop. I'm like "yo lil girl, hold the lollipop by the stick and you wont have these problems". She responds with a deep ::blank stare::.

She'd definitely appreciate knowing that when you bang your head on purpose that shit hurts. Definitely. Also biting fingers.

One more thing I know she'd love to know beforehand. Paper and plastic taste the opposite of good. No taste. Nothing. Not even nutritional value. Hell I haven't eating plastic or paper in 28 years. She'd love to know that.

A letter.

A letter to the President, written by the great Lou Pritchett.

Dear President Obama, You are the thirteenth President under whom I have lived and unlike any of the others, you truly scare me. You scare me because after months of exposure, I know nothing about you. You scare me because I do not know how you paid for your expensive Ivy League education and your upscale lifestyle and housing with no visible signs of support. You scare me because you did not spend the formative years of youth growing up in America and culturally you are not an American. You scare me because you have never run a company or met a payroll. You scare me because you have never had military experience, thus don't understand it at its core. You scare me because you lack humility and 'class', always blaming others. You scare me because for over half your life you have aligned yourself with radical extremists who hate America and you refuse to publicly denounce these radicals who wish to see America fail. You scare me because you are a cheerleader for the 'blame America' crowd and deliver this message abroad. You scare me because you want to change America to a European style country where the government sector dominates instead of the private sector. You scare me because you want to replace our health care system with a government controlled one. You scare me because you prefer 'wind mills' to responsibly capitalizing on our own vast oil, coal and shale reserves. You scare me because you want to kill the American capitalist goose that lays the golden egg which provides the highest standard of living in the world. You scare me because you have begun to use 'extortion' tactics against certain banks and corporations. You scare me because your own political party shrinks from challenging you on your wild and irresponsible spending proposals. You scare me because you will not openly listen to or even consider opposing points of view from intelligent people. You scare me because you falsely believe that you are both omnipotent and omniscient. You scare me because the media gives you a free pass on everything you do. You scare me because you demonize and want to silence the Limbaughs, Hannitys, O'Relllys and Becks who offer opposing, conservative points of view. You scare me because you prefer controlling over governing. Finally, you scare me because if you serve a second term I will probably not feel safe in writing a similar letter in 8 years.

To say that I agree with him would be a gross understatement.

Phelps got nothing on me

I want to talk about how I learned how to swim. Now I've talked at length about how old school my father was and this story is a fine example of that. We had some cousins that lived way out in NJ (Montville) back when. Actually they still live there, in the same house. But anyway they had a big pool with a nice deck and a diving board. They were rich, rich to us because we lived in a 5 room apartment compared to their 4 bedroom house with a full basement, pool, huge backyard and 2 car garage. The boy cousin was my age and during the summer of 1986 he learned how to swim. And I mean swim, like a guppy.

So my competitive drive started to kick in when I heard about this and I begged my dad to teach me before we went there so I can swim too. He told me not to worry that I will learn how to swim as soon as we DO get there. I was confused but my attention span was that of a gnat so I forgot about it until we got in the car to head up there one summer weekend. I bothered him in the car the whole way there, when we got there I changed into my suit and awaited deployment of arm floaties onto my arm.

As I approach the deck I see my dad, with no arm floaties walking towards me. Weird I thought. So he picks me up, starts talking to me about kicking in the water, moving your arms forwards than backwards you know basic how to swim chatter. Then without saying a word. HE TOSSES ME IN THE POOL. Just like that. My mom flips out as I initially gasp for air, he's screaming kick, kick, kick........4 seconds after I got tossed in I'm swimming. Not like a guppy but I'm treading water. He's as happy as a piss clam saying that's how he learned how to swim. I felt like a fucking gangster without my floaties.

My cousin was impressed, he learned how to swim by taking lessons at the local high school. Pussy I thought. Real men learn how to swim when they get thrown in the water. That day I learned more technical ways of swimming and by the end of the summer was a guppy. Underwater, over water, you name it I did it. Joined the Y (YMCA) the next year and participated in a kids olympics tournament, won 2nd place. Graduated from guppy to shark. Dad was proud. Crazy fuck.