Phelps got nothing on me

I want to talk about how I learned how to swim. Now I've talked at length about how old school my father was and this story is a fine example of that. We had some cousins that lived way out in NJ (Montville) back when. Actually they still live there, in the same house. But anyway they had a big pool with a nice deck and a diving board. They were rich, rich to us because we lived in a 5 room apartment compared to their 4 bedroom house with a full basement, pool, huge backyard and 2 car garage. The boy cousin was my age and during the summer of 1986 he learned how to swim. And I mean swim, like a guppy.

So my competitive drive started to kick in when I heard about this and I begged my dad to teach me before we went there so I can swim too. He told me not to worry that I will learn how to swim as soon as we DO get there. I was confused but my attention span was that of a gnat so I forgot about it until we got in the car to head up there one summer weekend. I bothered him in the car the whole way there, when we got there I changed into my suit and awaited deployment of arm floaties onto my arm.

As I approach the deck I see my dad, with no arm floaties walking towards me. Weird I thought. So he picks me up, starts talking to me about kicking in the water, moving your arms forwards than backwards you know basic how to swim chatter. Then without saying a word. HE TOSSES ME IN THE POOL. Just like that. My mom flips out as I initially gasp for air, he's screaming kick, kick, kick........4 seconds after I got tossed in I'm swimming. Not like a guppy but I'm treading water. He's as happy as a piss clam saying that's how he learned how to swim. I felt like a fucking gangster without my floaties.

My cousin was impressed, he learned how to swim by taking lessons at the local high school. Pussy I thought. Real men learn how to swim when they get thrown in the water. That day I learned more technical ways of swimming and by the end of the summer was a guppy. Underwater, over water, you name it I did it. Joined the Y (YMCA) the next year and participated in a kids olympics tournament, won 2nd place. Graduated from guppy to shark. Dad was proud. Crazy fuck.

hold on

I hit a busy stretch, be back friday....so sorry.

Cell Phone Pics Fridays

I made a snake out of aluminum foil. So talented I am.
Oh in the background is Paul Berra, he moonlights as a margin clerk.















That's all I got. But it's memorial day weekend so Iwon't hold you any longer. Drink beer, watch baseball, sun yourself and bbq everything. Just run the grill the whole weekend. Don't even turn it off. Speaking of that I wanted to pass along a cool link about wood grilling. Man when I get a house in 2098 I'm gonna have a sick wood fire pit to grill meats on. Can't wait.

Musicality

Anybody that reads this blog play an instrument? I ask because I want to learn how to play a couple. By a couple I mean like 8. It's just a cool thing to know how to do. Strumming an acoustic guitar around a fire on a beach somewhere away from home. Playing a piano in the lobby of a majestic hotel. Flicking my fingers back and forth on a Yukelie while sitting Indian style on the platform of a busy subway stop. Banging drums in a garage and screaming obscenities. Killing a saxophone in a blue's club while a tall whiskey waits for me. Taking my bongos on the road and in wedding halls. Spitting hot on a harmonica like a skinny John Popper. Or straight rip a violin to shreds, enough to make a Beethoven fan cry tears of happiness.

I want to make one of those fantasies come true.

Whoa

I'm in a real shitty mood. I need a raise, I need to find a formidable, affordable and reliable Day Care Center. Gotta call Wachovia and tell them to stick the loan up their ass. Gotta call the cable guy to come pick up the godamn boxes and take them off my bill. Want to punch my Aunt in her face for keeping grandma in a rundown piece of shit nursing home. The damn Asians are ruining my shirts at the dry cleaning. Godamn computer has more virisues than a 22 year old Madonna. Some jerkoff sneezed on me this morning, it took tremendous discipline not to leave him paralyzed. The water in this building tastes like rubber cement and seltzer. The car insurance is due soon. My boss is acting really fucking strange. Aunt flo is in town and i'm dying for some pie. Gollum keeps trying to convince me that if he demands lawful notes instead of money (which he says is just federal reserve credit) that he would not have to pay taxes. I can't wait until he gets arressted. These boxers are giving me a wedgie. My broken pinky won't heal because I keep banging it all over the place like a clumsy schmuck. Obama gave a commencement address to the biggest catholic university in America yet he was born a muslim. I tried McSorley's Black Irish Lager and hate it. I hate wasting beer. But it's undrinkable. Fuck.

WOE is me.

Cell Phone Pics Fridays

China man tired. China man sleep.
















Close your legs you fat miserable barbarian.
It smells like Arthur Treacher's trash can.
















Crazy dude, wears the same thing everyday.
Down to the socks. Not kidding.















The next day, told you I wasn't kidding.

Plane crashes

You know what fascinates me? Plane crashes. I have Wikipedia'd every single plane crash there ever was and even went as far as reading each official NTSB report. I am not normally fascinated with tragic deaths but just find plane crashes so extraordinary. Maybe it's the complexity of the machine itself, maybe it's the connection to me aspiring to be a pilot myself, maybe it's watching The Aviator, or maybe it's the people, how so many lives are touched by a single event.

Each crash I have read about I always attach myself to a certain set of facts or circumstances. For instance recently you've heard the NTSB's investigation of the flight 3407, the Continental charter from Newark, NJ to Buffalo. And you've heard that the pilots were inexperienced and failed to save or prevent the plane from crashing the way it did. I find that so depressing yet so interesting. I can't help but think of the families victims who now have to live with the fact that they could have been alive if someone else were flying the plane. Then I think of the families of the two pilots who have the grief of losing a loved one on top of grief from FAA, NTSB blaming their loved one for basically crashing the plane. The scream, the last audible before impact must be a harrowing sound.

Why does this stuff fascinate me?

Question

The spring water you drink, do you trust it? Do you really think it's from the springs of wherever? Am I the only one that thinks about this?

If milk weren't pasteurized what would it taste like?

Not sure why any woman would choose plastic surgery as an option to "feel better" about themselves. Don't they realize that we love them just the way they are?

Are all guys lazy when it comes to shaving? I fucking hate it. I also dislike getting a haircut.

If we are short some dough can't we cutback on the Nasa programs for a minute? I mean is space exploration that important right now?

Why don't the Japanese people fuck each other instead of building robots to fuck?

Public Service Announcement

Ever see that guy that laughs like a dick. I hate that guy. Loud, obnoxious laugh that seems forced. What a dick. Just burns my hole. No one actually laughs like that. It's an act. It's forced. If I say something funny just laugh like a normal person not like some retarded hyena.

This has been a public service announcement.

Wiki Entry of the Week

So if you hadn't noticed I'm stopping the daily links post. Going back to the roots, just treating this blog like a open diary of shit floating around in my head and various entertaining rants. I will still force a Wikipedia entry on occasion, probably weekly. Today feels like the day to do just that, so without further ado the Wiki entry of the day is Cattle Gun.

Now your probably wondering why am I linking a description for a weapon that is used to slaughter cows and the answer is simple. If you've seen No Country for Old Men you'll know exactly why I looked up "cattle gun". If you haven't seen it I suggest you do.

Taco Night!

Cinco De Mayo.

When I read that I wonder why there hasn't been a movie about this. Like a Saving Private Guzman or some shit. Sounds like it would be pretty awesome. I mean Desperado was cool as fuck. Maybe you can get Robert Downey Jr. to play a mexican.

Anyway cook up some tacos tonight. Chicken fajita's are in order, fresh guac, salsa, the works.
Try pork tacos, I've been loving them lately. Cube a cut of pork from the loin, like pork chops but cube them. Treat them like you would chicken as far as seasoning and they make great tacos.

Adios!

Good times.

Well, the streak is over. The last time I threw up from drinking too much was when I went on a mancation to Green Bay. November 2006. After about 25 or so beers (wish I was kidding) I spilled my cookies that morning before the 11AM kickoff. Fast foward to Saturday night for a minute. My wonderful sister in law bartends at this place called Beckett's. It's downtown Manhattan on a tiny street laced with other bars. It's basically a sports bar. So we go and I had a Super Bowl Sunday with my football team so I wanted to take it easy. You know, some wings maybe 5 or 6 beers and call it a night. Yeah. That worked out well. What ended happening was 8 or 9 beers, couple of Irish Car Bombs AND 4 or 5 shots of 18 year old Jameson. As we left the bar my cousin took a menu chalkboard, I took a traffic cone off the street and Wolf dunked on a traffic pedestrian light and SHAQ'D it. No shit the fucking thing came crashing down. Either it was loose or Wolf is really a small gorilla. Good times.

Anyway I got home somehow and laid in bed. A minute later I was ass naked in the bathroom with my head in the toilet. Got up the next morning and felt like dogshit. Drove the wife to work and got back to get dressed for my game. Still wasn't right. Had to purge again. So, I did what I had to do and immediately felt better. Picked up the boys and headed to the field. Snacking on cheeze-its and water. Played, played well but we lost. By 3 points. Losing $5000 to a team you despise is the turd on the cake. Sucked. And now I had to nurse a hangover. Like woe.

You Are Mine Now!

We constantly do kindegarten cop at the office. Constantly busting on each other using the Arnie voice. This collage is too perfect. Got me in stitches.

Swine flu this retard

Have a nice weekend my fellow swines!

I Search The Internet So You Don't Have To

Sears Tower opening up a glass skydeck for tourists. Cool.
(Chicago Sun Times)

Dear Joe Biden.
(NY Post)

Detroit is the loser in the Chrysler bankruptcy.
(Freep)

Megan Fox moves on the new cover of Esquire.
(Esquire)

Paula Abdul fooled by Bruno. Like that was soooooo easy.
(NY Post)

Tom Cruise's girlfriend in Top Gun is a lesbian.
(Fox News)

Awesome blog.
(Thisisphotobomb)

Friday bitches. Its drizzly but warm. The counting crows are rocking me out on the ipod. The lady sitting next to me smells like vodka. Not kiddin.