Wifeisms

Things you'll never hear your wife say:

Honey I love the beard you are growing. I'm going to blow you right now.

Hey babe, you and the boys should go to Vegas for a weekend.

Oh you finished all the beer? Want me to run out and get you more?

Hey later I was thinking we can have sex but this time I want you to climax as quickly as possible.

After I drug the kids to sleep you want to watch this porno tape with me? I picked it up today from the bodega.

I picked up the new Call of Duty game for you, I figure you can play that all night while I scrub the floors and rearrange the cabinets.

Grand Theft Auto

Whatever happened to stealing cars? Without doing any research I'm gonna say that car theft has dropped in the past 10-15 years. Especially the past 5 or so years. Car theft used to be like an everyday occurence. You always heard of someone complaining of a stolen car. Now it seems like it don't happen often. I guess modern safety features on new/newer cars help that. Car jacks seem to be down too. I'm not complaining just observing.

Hump Day Hottie of the Week

Remember Sarah Michelle Gellar in Cruel Intentions? Kinda hot. I was 19 when that came out. Sprung.

A poem about Spring that doesnt rhyme

Soon my friends, soon.

The sun will be a burst of warmth, the grass will start to smell ripe again, the trees will start to bloom like a cupcake in the oven and the spring season will be underway. Soon. As we are travelling through lent season in anticipation of my favorite holiday outside of Xmas, Easter, it's nice to finally kick that cold winter in the twat. Mother Nature sure showed us her bitchy side. I recall vividly the mountains of snow on my block. I recall the bitter cold afterwards followed by another mountain of fresh snow. It sat around until lat February. Good riddance winter 2010/2011. Time for Noble Pils beer, March Madness, baseball optimism, Wrestlemania, leg of lamb, jelly beans and Jesus.

HUMP Day Hottie of the Week

I remember being a teenager when she first came into my life as the co-host Singled Out. I also remember furiously beating off to her.

Reason #8 wikipedia is awesome

Bored? Poke around here and the hours will just pass.

Some excerpts:

1995: A 39-year-old man committed suicide in Canberra, Australia by shooting himself three times with a pump action shotgun. The first shot passed through his chest and went out the other side. He reloaded and shot away his throat and part of his jaw. Breathing through the wound in his throat, he again reloaded, held the gun against his chest with his hands and operated the trigger with his toes. This shot entered the thoracic cavity and demolished the heart, killing him.

Lesson : Really? A shotgun. Really?

1994: Jeremy Brenno, a 16 year-old golfer from Gloversville, New York, was killed when he threw his club against a bench in a fit of rage, breaking the shaft. Part of the shaft bounced back and pierced his heart

Lesson : Fuck golf.

2004: Phillip Quinn, a 24-year-old American from Kent, Washington was killed during an attempt to heat up a lava lamp bulb on his kitchen stove while observing it from a few feet away. The heat built up pressure in the bulb until it exploded, spraying shards of glass. One shard pierced his heart, killing him.

Lesson : Lava is dangerous in all forms.

1991: Carl Hulsey, 77, of Cherokee County, Georgia, was butted to death by his pet goat. Hulsey had regularly hit the goat with a stick in an apparent attempt to make it more aggressive so it could act as a "guard dog" for Hulsey's home.

Lesson : Never fuck with a goat.

1987: Franco Brun, a 22-year-old prisoner at Toronto East Detention Centre, in Toronto, Ontario, choked to death after attempting to swallow a Gideon's Bible.

Lesson : Logic told me if you try to swallow a bible you will choke to death.

2010: Robert Gary Jones, 38, was jogging and listening to his iPod when he was hit from behind and killed by a small plane making an emergency landing on a beach in Hilton Head Island, South Carolina.

Lesson : Fuck jogging.

Things that really twist my sack #23

What's the deal with metrosexuals? Why is it ok for dudes to get pedicures and manicures and use face creams and masks and wear tight ass jeans and gay colored clothing? Why? You know how I buy shampoo? I look at the bottom shelf cuz that's where the 99 cent joints are. I'd wash my hair with bar soap if my wife would let me. I don't even wear cologne. Well that's a lie, occasionally I'll spritz up a scent my wife likes in an effort to get in her pants but daily? No way. I want to smell like a man. I am a man. And crossing your leg. Where'd that shit come from? Hey listen if you want to be European be it in Europe. Love it or leave it fudgepacker. With your pencil eyebrows and whore smelling cologne. Metrosexuals really twist my sack.

this is what GAY looks like

Best Video Ever. They'll never win again. Ever.

Hump Day Hottie of the Week

Here comes the boom.

Mango Salsa

So what happened to the Somali pirates?

Planes really are amazing you know.

What's the big deal with this Amanda Seyfried. She's busted man.

Charlie Sheen wins.

Kate Upton. #trending

Really I don't get pineapple on pizza. Just don't get it.

I wanna go to Carnival.

Next thing you know I'll be watching him play ball

Three months go by fast. Lil man. Mini dude.

Hump Day Hottie of the Week

Isla Fisher, aka the virgin in Wedding Crashers. She's sneaky hot and has an Australian accent in real life. I wanna put a collosal shrimp in her barbie', if you know what im sayin.

El Pad Hedge Fund

If anyone wants to give me money I will invest it and return 15-25%. Serious. I accept paypal. If I can get enough capital raised maybe I'll lease an office and hire some people to help me. Who wants in? I can feel the excitement. You want burberry underwear and 40-foot yachts? Come see me.

I make shit happen.