Kindle Smash

Notice how EVERYONE is texting lately. Texting is the way to communicate now. No one picks up the phone anymore. And I mean cellphone. Forget about land lines. Shit I don't even have a land line. It's funny too because you might have a friend or two who if you call them they don't pick up, but when you text them they get back to you immediately. What my voice sounds stupid or something?

The worse is when old people start texting. It's hilarious. My mom texts. One of my Aunt texts. Always funny when I get a text from the elderly community.

It's at a new level with blackberry's. A text from a blackberry (if you are texting someone else with a blackberry) is called a BBM. So it's like an exclusive chat feature or network. Still think Nextel was the shit. Minimum conversation, childhood way of connecting to someone by replicating a walkie talkie, push to talk feature, pinging contacts, etc. I don't have an IPhone and I ain't mad that I don't. Don't know how many of those "apps" I would actually though. I mean there are only 24 hours in a day. What I do know though is that whenever I see someone reading from one of those Kindle devices from Amazon. I wanna slap it out of their hand and stomp on it repeatedly.

I sent this to everyone in the office (hat says dunce)

$4 to get to work
$3.50 to eat breakfast
$7 on lunch

breaking balls in the office in the name of revenge and boredem

PRICELESS.

Pizza

Dear Pizza,

I love your cheese skin. Your crunchy backside. Your undeniable musk. You are simple yet sophisticated. You are the sunshine of my food life. If I had to pick one food to eat for all eternity I would pick you. I hope that makes you feel good about yourself. As if you have a self-confidence issues. You are radiant. Stop it, no you stop it. I can't get enough of you. When done right you can be the perfect food. And thank god I can always get you done right where I live. You sucked in Florida. I don't even care for toppings. I just want you naked. I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE! When I bite down, when I fold you over, when I finish you off I'm just so satisfied. You fill my belly with joy and laughter. And everytime I call, you are there.

More Ovaltine please!

I should write something. My phone broke.

Woe.

When I don't have a phone I do alot of thinking. Like yesterday I was thinking I should get my real estate licence for shits and gigs. Then thought about building a go kart (for no reason?).

I always have ideas. What about a 24 hour liquor drive thru store. Wouldnt that be suite? Being able to just drive through and pick up a fifth of Jack Daniels and some Summer Ale. Who wouldnt favor that store over a store in which you have to park, go into store, remove item from shelf, then carry it put to the car. Too much work.

You drive up, you see a menu, you order, you pay, you drive off. Fucking great. and their would be a beer lane just for beer so beer people dont have to held up by some wine snob or a party bus.

I also think about what I would do with the money I'm going to collect when I hit mega millions. I've talked about this before but the dreams change often. Today, if I won I'd build me a trading floor in my house and day trade stocks all day. I'd also want a pet mongoose.

Did you know that you can collect unemployment for like 29 months. What kind of shit is that? I've been working 40 hours since I'm 15 years old (illegal in most states not Florida!). Get off your ass and find a job. Goddamn Obama is driving me crazy.

Subway Shots

Hey sexy! Is that one giant TITTY? Or 3 seperate tits? Please advice.















My life so hard, me so tired. What's up with the Mexican dude smiling like he just got laid?

Half man, half baby giraffe. Fuck my life.

Parents Cliche 101

Did something I thought I'd never do. Used a parenting cliche thought I would never. So my kid loves the park. Duh all kids love the park. Problem with my kid is she NEVER WANTS TO leave and pretty much let's everyone know that she doesnt want to leave. So after a stern negotiation in which she used the "Beggin Hand Gesture", sort of like this, which is ridiculously cute and buys her at least 10 more minutes minimum I finally dragged her out of the park. Again, she's vocal about this, crying and carrying on. So I had enough of the crying and after making it 3 blocks with her crying I couldnt take it anymore and blurted this out:

"You want me to give you something to cry about?"

Wow. Thought I'd never say that shit. That is old school. My mother said it, my father said it. My grandmother said it, my grandfather said it. I heard my cousins parents (aunt & uncles) say it. I've heard my sister say it to her kids (my nieces). I vowed to parent differently. I vowed not to use cliches. All that went out the window the minute I uttered that sentence. I'm a fraud. But you know what? THAT SHIT WORKED.

When I said that to her she whined, "no". And stopped fucking crying. Unreal. Those old fucks know their shit man.

88 degrees

Good weather reminds me of one thing and one thing only. Beer. Nothing better than cracking an ice cold brew on a warm sunny day. Today it's 88 in NYC and that is unusual. I know at some point it will tear down to a cool 60 or something like that. But I don't care. One of these days in April is better than none of these days period. I just want to remove my pants and drink beer without being judged. Pants are so, what's the word.......Unecessary. You know how many times I dream about walking around with no pants on? Heaven has to be like this.

Christ has risen

Happy Easter Weekend my brothers and sisters. Got a suite menu on the food blog for those interested. Also my mother is coming into town. Most importantly it seems as if the Spring weather is upon us and that. That is cool. I love Nerd Jelly Beans. And hollow chocolate bunnies. And Snicker Eggs. And Cadbury Eggs. And Marshmellow Eggs. And Sweettart Gummy Bunnies. And M&M's with the pastel colors even though they are just regular M&M's. I feel bad for lambs. They are little and suite. But when cooked right are delectable. Here comes Peter Cottontail. How come Santa is alot bigger than the Easter Bunny? The weather is better. Jesus birth vs. Jesus Resurrection. Who ya got!

Enjoy.