I know you guys have heard this schtick before but due to the events that occured this morning you'll have to indulge me for a minute.
Fuck fat people.
This bitch this morning almost shattered my god damn hip trying to fit her 300 pound ass in a seat between myself and the partition. Fat people should be forced to stand unless there are two seats avaialble, that are next to each other. This should be a rule. I will write my congressman. I got a kid god damn it. I don't want my hip broken. Gravy eating mongrel. I do not feel sorry for you, I hope you all die from gout. Can't even see your god damn elbows. You got a baby vagina on your arm where your elbow supposed to be. This is bullshit.
Apologies to my fat friends. This is not personal, strictly business.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Fresh off the end of a great TV show
The Jersey Shore show was so fantastic. I mean we are talking pearls and gems here. Straight funny. The guido is a creature like no other and MTV did a wonderful job in choosing a cast that represents guidos well.
Fist pumping. Fighting. Selfishness. Cockiness. Fashion sense.
We learned a couple of things about Guidos & Guidettes. Here are some of the things I learned.
If you wear a tight designer T-Shirt. With some expensive jeans. And gelled hair. Your're a guido.
If your day is going to the Gym, then go tanning then go do your laundry, in that order. Your're a guido.
If you are over confident and have giant biceps, your're a guido.
If you are at a club looking for tail and are willing to make out / fuck anything no matter what it looks like, your're a guido.
If you dance funny, your're a guido.
If you say "bro" within every sentence, you are a guido.
If you can successfully knock out another guy with "one shot" than, your're a guido.
Guidettes:
If you are a female and say "like" before every adjective, noun or verb, you are a guidette.
If you scour the beach for muscle headed men, you are a guidette.
If you rock a "poof" atop your hair, you are guidette.
If you wear hair extensions to make your real hair look "fuller", you are guidette.
If you dance on the boardwalk, alone, you are a guidette.
Fist pumping. Fighting. Selfishness. Cockiness. Fashion sense.
We learned a couple of things about Guidos & Guidettes. Here are some of the things I learned.
If you wear a tight designer T-Shirt. With some expensive jeans. And gelled hair. Your're a guido.
If your day is going to the Gym, then go tanning then go do your laundry, in that order. Your're a guido.
If you are over confident and have giant biceps, your're a guido.
If you are at a club looking for tail and are willing to make out / fuck anything no matter what it looks like, your're a guido.
If you dance funny, your're a guido.
If you say "bro" within every sentence, you are a guido.
If you can successfully knock out another guy with "one shot" than, your're a guido.
Guidettes:
If you are a female and say "like" before every adjective, noun or verb, you are a guidette.
If you scour the beach for muscle headed men, you are a guidette.
If you rock a "poof" atop your hair, you are guidette.
If you wear hair extensions to make your real hair look "fuller", you are guidette.
If you dance on the boardwalk, alone, you are a guidette.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Oral Copulation By Force
Mixed bag, fasten your seatbelts.
You want to talk about immediate bliss then a kick in the nuts? What about that cruel bitch that wakes you up every morning. Ms Alarm Clock. How great is it when you wake up like 30 minutes before your alarm goes off and you get pumped because you can go back to sleep for 30 minutes. And you curl up in the perfect spot. It's your best sleep of the night, then 5 minutes later your alarm clock blows your eardrum out. Fucking cunt. You know once you close your peeper that clock moves faster, it's really not 30 minutes, it's 5 and the clock is fucking with you. Cruel bitch. Oh and the snooze button is nothing but once big cock tease. It's like a virgin that your dating who leaves you with hard ass blue balls everytime and won't even blow you. Another bitch.
I really don't give a shit about Haiti at this point and it's all Wyclef's fault. And Barack Obama.
I will unfollow him (Wyclef) from Twitter.
I hate when people look at my food when I microwave it. I feel like they are staring. And even though they are not that close to me I feel like they are breathing on it too. Fat bastards.
What's with people who sweat profusely for no sane reason? Like I was at this dinner last night talking to this guy, I was wearing a suit with the jacket still on and was very comfortable. The guy I was talking too had no jacket on and his face was visibly sweating. Like what is this guy a fucking sea creature or something. Is that saltwater? What the fuck is going on here. It's not hot in the room at all. In fact most people are rocking suit jackets and appear to NOT be sweating. That dude needs to see a doctor. Or wash his body with Mitchum.
You want to talk about immediate bliss then a kick in the nuts? What about that cruel bitch that wakes you up every morning. Ms Alarm Clock. How great is it when you wake up like 30 minutes before your alarm goes off and you get pumped because you can go back to sleep for 30 minutes. And you curl up in the perfect spot. It's your best sleep of the night, then 5 minutes later your alarm clock blows your eardrum out. Fucking cunt. You know once you close your peeper that clock moves faster, it's really not 30 minutes, it's 5 and the clock is fucking with you. Cruel bitch. Oh and the snooze button is nothing but once big cock tease. It's like a virgin that your dating who leaves you with hard ass blue balls everytime and won't even blow you. Another bitch.
I really don't give a shit about Haiti at this point and it's all Wyclef's fault. And Barack Obama.
I will unfollow him (Wyclef) from Twitter.
I hate when people look at my food when I microwave it. I feel like they are staring. And even though they are not that close to me I feel like they are breathing on it too. Fat bastards.
What's with people who sweat profusely for no sane reason? Like I was at this dinner last night talking to this guy, I was wearing a suit with the jacket still on and was very comfortable. The guy I was talking too had no jacket on and his face was visibly sweating. Like what is this guy a fucking sea creature or something. Is that saltwater? What the fuck is going on here. It's not hot in the room at all. In fact most people are rocking suit jackets and appear to NOT be sweating. That dude needs to see a doctor. Or wash his body with Mitchum.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
fuck it i aint afraid to say i love my wife
Since I don't celebrate Valentine's Day becuase it's fake I will do little things here and there to remind my lady that I love her greatly. I'll start by writing some stuff here. Fast forward to the end and call me a faggot in the comments if you don't want to read some sappy shit. Onward.
My lady,
If I sit back and think about it, I realize that you mean alot more to me than I would have ever imagined. My lover. My friend. You just knows me. In more ways than I can imagine. I'll be thinking of something, in the silence of my own head, and before I can ever get it out you'll say what I'm thinking. And that can be over a couple of days. All my feelings for you have intensified the minute you gave birth to our daughter. And how you've handled her, so far has been amazing. I am so grateful that I married the right woman. So many marriages are shams, to even believe in something like marriage is a giant step but to do it, figure it out somewhat and enjoy it is something totally different. I feel that way now. Hopefully, cuz I know you read my blog from time to time, you see this and it makes you smile. (hopefully it also makes you horny).
To my wife, I'm still in love with you.
The End.
My lady,
If I sit back and think about it, I realize that you mean alot more to me than I would have ever imagined. My lover. My friend. You just knows me. In more ways than I can imagine. I'll be thinking of something, in the silence of my own head, and before I can ever get it out you'll say what I'm thinking. And that can be over a couple of days. All my feelings for you have intensified the minute you gave birth to our daughter. And how you've handled her, so far has been amazing. I am so grateful that I married the right woman. So many marriages are shams, to even believe in something like marriage is a giant step but to do it, figure it out somewhat and enjoy it is something totally different. I feel that way now. Hopefully, cuz I know you read my blog from time to time, you see this and it makes you smile. (hopefully it also makes you horny).
To my wife, I'm still in love with you.
The End.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Sorry for your loss Haiti but we have 9% unemployment
I guess we have to help Haiti?
We get shitted on alot and our name is always in someone's mouth, and it's usually an enemy's mouth yet we are looked upon to help everyone when something hits the fan. Fuck that. What happend there is awful but 100MM is alot of fucking money in the middle of a recession that still exists. That might look like a selfish statement but an old adage applies here. Fix your own problems before you fix other people's problems.
And now our President will pen an essay about Haiti and it will be published in Newsweek.
This guy is very hands on with things that make his image appear to be "godly" while really sucking at what his job requirements actually are. He keeps this up he'll get slammed in 2012 no matter who opposes him.
We get shitted on alot and our name is always in someone's mouth, and it's usually an enemy's mouth yet we are looked upon to help everyone when something hits the fan. Fuck that. What happend there is awful but 100MM is alot of fucking money in the middle of a recession that still exists. That might look like a selfish statement but an old adage applies here. Fix your own problems before you fix other people's problems.
And now our President will pen an essay about Haiti and it will be published in Newsweek.
This guy is very hands on with things that make his image appear to be "godly" while really sucking at what his job requirements actually are. He keeps this up he'll get slammed in 2012 no matter who opposes him.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Super Bowl Champs
WOLFPACK!!! 2009 WINTER EXPO B DIVISION CHAMPIONS!!!!!
GREAT GAME, GREAT TEAM AND WE AIN'T DONE YET.
(I'm second from left in the back holding up #1)
Played a clean, physical corner for 4 quarters. Had a pass deflection and gave up practically nothing. We won 21-13, giving up a garbage TD late. It was a nice birthday gift as I turned 30 over the weekend. My back hurts.
GREAT GAME, GREAT TEAM AND WE AIN'T DONE YET.
(I'm second from left in the back holding up #1)
Played a clean, physical corner for 4 quarters. Had a pass deflection and gave up practically nothing. We won 21-13, giving up a garbage TD late. It was a nice birthday gift as I turned 30 over the weekend. My back hurts.
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
more
Build a smoker.
Something about building something. It's in our DNA. Our meaning a man. And I'm a man. So I will do hours of research and that will probably be the end of it. Because do you know what else is in our DNA? Laziness.
Engage someone in a fistfight, it's been awhile.
Wow, last fight I was involved in was probably 8 years ago. At some bar. I don't even remember the circumstances. But I can't just wait around for a fight to come along, I have to make one happen. Don't want my skills to erode. God forbid I need to spring into action I'll be way too rusty and my family might get kidnapped because of it.
Get a two year subscription to the WSJ. I'm tired of buyin it.
Pretty self-explanatory.
Play Lotto more. Ya never know.
My dad played the number everyday and never won more than a couple of hundred bucks. I thought it was a waste. Then Mega Millions came around and this parking attendant won like 150MM and he was a spanish peasant. So, hey ya never know. (I think he is dead now from coke and strippers but still).
Open up a wing joint.
I want to open up a wing joint so bad but I am scared of the scenario "if I quit my job and it fails then what". Location, location, location. There is nothing to eat in Jersey City. Yet there are many business here. I think if I opened up a wing joint here it would do well. I make good wings. Mild, Hot, Shut you mouf, BBQ, Asian. Those would be the sauces. And fresh cut fries, grilled corn and maybe some hush puppies. I don't know. I haven't finished the menu yet. Nor have I secured any sort of financing. This is just a dream. One day my friends I will own an establishment where you come in, you eat good, you pay little, and you leave in good spirits.
Perfect the footlong mozzarella stick recipe.
Been working on this sucker for years. A footlong of love. Each morsel as good as the one before it. You'll see.
Something about building something. It's in our DNA. Our meaning a man. And I'm a man. So I will do hours of research and that will probably be the end of it. Because do you know what else is in our DNA? Laziness.
Engage someone in a fistfight, it's been awhile.
Wow, last fight I was involved in was probably 8 years ago. At some bar. I don't even remember the circumstances. But I can't just wait around for a fight to come along, I have to make one happen. Don't want my skills to erode. God forbid I need to spring into action I'll be way too rusty and my family might get kidnapped because of it.
Get a two year subscription to the WSJ. I'm tired of buyin it.
Pretty self-explanatory.
Play Lotto more. Ya never know.
My dad played the number everyday and never won more than a couple of hundred bucks. I thought it was a waste. Then Mega Millions came around and this parking attendant won like 150MM and he was a spanish peasant. So, hey ya never know. (I think he is dead now from coke and strippers but still).
Open up a wing joint.
I want to open up a wing joint so bad but I am scared of the scenario "if I quit my job and it fails then what". Location, location, location. There is nothing to eat in Jersey City. Yet there are many business here. I think if I opened up a wing joint here it would do well. I make good wings. Mild, Hot, Shut you mouf, BBQ, Asian. Those would be the sauces. And fresh cut fries, grilled corn and maybe some hush puppies. I don't know. I haven't finished the menu yet. Nor have I secured any sort of financing. This is just a dream. One day my friends I will own an establishment where you come in, you eat good, you pay little, and you leave in good spirits.
Perfect the footlong mozzarella stick recipe.
Been working on this sucker for years. A footlong of love. Each morsel as good as the one before it. You'll see.
Saturday, January 02, 2010
New Years Resolutions Expounded
Just realized how much writing material I can get out of my New Year Resolutions. And since they are all 100% real I will expound on some of them. This will be fun. Maybe I'll do like 5 a day or 5 a post. Maybe one. Maybe I will forget about this and bore you with other drivel.
Learn the secrets of Kung Fu.
Since the first time I heard the GZA's Liquid Swords album as a young teenager I wanted to learn the secrets of the Samurai. It's like knowing the meaning of life. If I could just learn like two moves that when executed properly can make me a killing machine I'd be happy.
Eat more fish.
I don't eat fish regularly. Barely eat it at all. And I mean fish. Like not shellfish. I hear it's super healthy for you unless your name is Jeremy Piven. I know how to cook too so it's not like I would struggle with making simple fish dishes. It's just not part of my routine. It's butcher, dry cleaning, fruit store. Repeat. Gotta mix in the fish store. Got a great one right across the street from the butcher too. Maybe tomorrow I'll walk over their and snag a snapper for dinner.
Keep my lips un-chapped.
Just embarrassing when your lips are chapped bad and you have to hold a conversation with someone. This should be on everyone's list.
Get some new pants.
I enjoy a nice pair of slacks and am rarely late. It's as simple as that. One thing though, I only like Macy's Men's Department for my work clothes because of all the choices.
And socks.
Where do they go? Serious. Are all our missing socks on an island somewhere with Notorious BIG, Tupac, Jimmy Hoffa and Elvis? Every time my wife comes home with the clean laundry I'm down a pair of socks. It's mind-boggling.
Until next time.......Diaries of the expounded NE Resolutions.
Learn the secrets of Kung Fu.
Since the first time I heard the GZA's Liquid Swords album as a young teenager I wanted to learn the secrets of the Samurai. It's like knowing the meaning of life. If I could just learn like two moves that when executed properly can make me a killing machine I'd be happy.
Eat more fish.
I don't eat fish regularly. Barely eat it at all. And I mean fish. Like not shellfish. I hear it's super healthy for you unless your name is Jeremy Piven. I know how to cook too so it's not like I would struggle with making simple fish dishes. It's just not part of my routine. It's butcher, dry cleaning, fruit store. Repeat. Gotta mix in the fish store. Got a great one right across the street from the butcher too. Maybe tomorrow I'll walk over their and snag a snapper for dinner.
Keep my lips un-chapped.
Just embarrassing when your lips are chapped bad and you have to hold a conversation with someone. This should be on everyone's list.
Get some new pants.
I enjoy a nice pair of slacks and am rarely late. It's as simple as that. One thing though, I only like Macy's Men's Department for my work clothes because of all the choices.
And socks.
Where do they go? Serious. Are all our missing socks on an island somewhere with Notorious BIG, Tupac, Jimmy Hoffa and Elvis? Every time my wife comes home with the clean laundry I'm down a pair of socks. It's mind-boggling.
Until next time.......Diaries of the expounded NE Resolutions.
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