Still can't believe the Giants are not in this thing but whatever. Pitchers and catchers report in like 14 days. Here is my breakdown of the game if you care.
Also here is the Super Bowl Menu.
Fill thy cup with beer until it runneth over my fine gentleman. Super Bowl sunday is here and July training camp is a eternity away. Enjoy.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Average Joe's Gym
Working out. Me and working out have a long history. Like any relationship it had it's ups and downs. Every time I've ended up joining a gym, I've ended up losing money because I just stopped going. So aggravating. I salute people who find the time, have the drive and actually go to the gym 3 or 4 times a week. Now more than ever I have 0 time for that shit. And I've tried, believe me, I have.
Relationship goes all the way back to high school. I was on the baseball team and basketball team. Also tried tennis (bored) and while trying out for football the track team coach recruited me to run track for a year (I was faster than the black kids, sorry obama!). Anyway I made the football team (barely, was too small) as a 4th string corner back. The first meeting I had with all the coaches I was told to start hitting the gym twice a day! TWICE A DAY! I was like yeah ok and they were like if you don't you'll get cut. And El PAD don't like to get cut, in no way shape or form, so El Pad went to the gym twice a day. It sucked balls. So much commitment to high school sports and I was already playing two sports.
Football humbled me though. Gave me discipline. Put a chip on my shoulder. My size prevented me from playing regularly. I mean it's not often your "Dime" package defense is on the field when most teams run the football. But I did get play on special teams and started to get good at being what they call a "gunner". It's where you line up wide in a punting formation and try to tackle the return man who receives the punt. Most times you have two blockers to get through. It's quite difficult but I was really really really fast so, if I can just get a small break on the inside or outside or one foot ahead of my guy they were both toast. I became so good that I was promoted to 3rd on the depth chart but again, Nickel package defenses were not being used that much either. Well, that knock that I was too small was too much, I hit the gym with vigor and with unbelievable drive. It's all I did. 17 years old, hitting the gym 7 times a week. Results....nothing. I was still a string bean. Coaches said it had to do with my metabolism. I was a skinny fuck no matter what I ate or did. So, next season I opted not to play football (also I broke my hand when spring practice came around) and focus on baseball and basketball. Metabolism won I guess.
Baseball coach never cared if I worked out, well he did but he wanted core exercises rather than lifting. I was the lead off hitter on the Varsity squad so he didn't want me hitting home runs (only had 3 my entire H.S. baseball career). So he had me doing you know, sit ups and all that calisthenic shit that came generally easy to me and took up only a half hour or so of time. As long as I got on base and score runs he was happy.
Basketball, I was buried. It was because I was white. I hate to say that but it was. I was the only white kid on the team and while I was the star for the J.V team when I got promoted to Varsity I saw about 6 minutes a game. Mostly mop-up duties and when they needed some clutch free throws I would be inserted. It wasn't that positive of an experience for a while. But then coaches changed and my senior year I played most of every game and led the team in assists, steals and FT %. We went to state and lost in the semi's. It was satisfying to show my teammates and other coaches that I could play at a high level for them.
Anyway, looks like I rambled for a minute. Sorry bout that. High School glory I guess. Back to your regular scheduled El Pad.....
Waking up 5:30am, going to the gym, working out for 40 minutes or so. Coming home, shower, breakfast, go to work. Didn't quite work out. Then I tried doing without the gym and just ride my bike in the morning to a park and do various exercises on the park play structures. That was actually more difficult than lifting weights. But alas, that did not work either. Work got out of hand, I need to be in earlier and that was that.
Coming home from work, eating dinner than going to the gym is just not ideal. Think about what you feel like when you come home from work then imagine eating a big dinner. Big dinner is what I do. I know no other way. Now, what about going to the gym before you eat dinner? Well now your talking about eating dinner at about 8:30/9:00pm. That shit can't be healthy.
What I'm doing here is I'm talking myself into believing that I am right for not making time for the gym. Clearly I am right. Right?
Screw the gym and their memberships. And their meatheads and smelly fungi bathrooms, and concrete powder substance shakes and their gay undertones and their screaming leg press guys and their silly dancing classes and their idiotic big ass rubber balls and their mirrored walls and their sweaty weight benches and their "dude spot me dudes". Fuck them all. I play sports. Once in awhile I'll throw down 20-30 push-ups. I drink beer. I eat meat. I don't run on treadmills.
Relationship goes all the way back to high school. I was on the baseball team and basketball team. Also tried tennis (bored) and while trying out for football the track team coach recruited me to run track for a year (I was faster than the black kids, sorry obama!). Anyway I made the football team (barely, was too small) as a 4th string corner back. The first meeting I had with all the coaches I was told to start hitting the gym twice a day! TWICE A DAY! I was like yeah ok and they were like if you don't you'll get cut. And El PAD don't like to get cut, in no way shape or form, so El Pad went to the gym twice a day. It sucked balls. So much commitment to high school sports and I was already playing two sports.
Football humbled me though. Gave me discipline. Put a chip on my shoulder. My size prevented me from playing regularly. I mean it's not often your "Dime" package defense is on the field when most teams run the football. But I did get play on special teams and started to get good at being what they call a "gunner". It's where you line up wide in a punting formation and try to tackle the return man who receives the punt. Most times you have two blockers to get through. It's quite difficult but I was really really really fast so, if I can just get a small break on the inside or outside or one foot ahead of my guy they were both toast. I became so good that I was promoted to 3rd on the depth chart but again, Nickel package defenses were not being used that much either. Well, that knock that I was too small was too much, I hit the gym with vigor and with unbelievable drive. It's all I did. 17 years old, hitting the gym 7 times a week. Results....nothing. I was still a string bean. Coaches said it had to do with my metabolism. I was a skinny fuck no matter what I ate or did. So, next season I opted not to play football (also I broke my hand when spring practice came around) and focus on baseball and basketball. Metabolism won I guess.
Baseball coach never cared if I worked out, well he did but he wanted core exercises rather than lifting. I was the lead off hitter on the Varsity squad so he didn't want me hitting home runs (only had 3 my entire H.S. baseball career). So he had me doing you know, sit ups and all that calisthenic shit that came generally easy to me and took up only a half hour or so of time. As long as I got on base and score runs he was happy.
Basketball, I was buried. It was because I was white. I hate to say that but it was. I was the only white kid on the team and while I was the star for the J.V team when I got promoted to Varsity I saw about 6 minutes a game. Mostly mop-up duties and when they needed some clutch free throws I would be inserted. It wasn't that positive of an experience for a while. But then coaches changed and my senior year I played most of every game and led the team in assists, steals and FT %. We went to state and lost in the semi's. It was satisfying to show my teammates and other coaches that I could play at a high level for them.
Anyway, looks like I rambled for a minute. Sorry bout that. High School glory I guess. Back to your regular scheduled El Pad.....
Waking up 5:30am, going to the gym, working out for 40 minutes or so. Coming home, shower, breakfast, go to work. Didn't quite work out. Then I tried doing without the gym and just ride my bike in the morning to a park and do various exercises on the park play structures. That was actually more difficult than lifting weights. But alas, that did not work either. Work got out of hand, I need to be in earlier and that was that.
Coming home from work, eating dinner than going to the gym is just not ideal. Think about what you feel like when you come home from work then imagine eating a big dinner. Big dinner is what I do. I know no other way. Now, what about going to the gym before you eat dinner? Well now your talking about eating dinner at about 8:30/9:00pm. That shit can't be healthy.
What I'm doing here is I'm talking myself into believing that I am right for not making time for the gym. Clearly I am right. Right?
Screw the gym and their memberships. And their meatheads and smelly fungi bathrooms, and concrete powder substance shakes and their gay undertones and their screaming leg press guys and their silly dancing classes and their idiotic big ass rubber balls and their mirrored walls and their sweaty weight benches and their "dude spot me dudes". Fuck them all. I play sports. Once in awhile I'll throw down 20-30 push-ups. I drink beer. I eat meat. I don't run on treadmills.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
i got nothing
Curious Case of Benjamin Button = Forest Gump? just askin. I haven't seen it yet but will soon. I like to watch all the non-gay Oscar nominated movies.
Heath Ledger died a year ago, same day a year later he was nominated for an Oscar.
Hope I dont end up on this blog
What do you think bear meat taste like?
Those, "If you could eat with 10 people on a island who would they be" questions...I don'tlike them. First, 10 people is alot. I don't want to eat with 10 people ever unless there is a xmas tree erected somewhere. Second, what's with the island. Why can't we go over someone's house or eat in a nice restaurant? Just bothers me. Random, I know.
Heath Ledger died a year ago, same day a year later he was nominated for an Oscar.
Hope I dont end up on this blog
What do you think bear meat taste like?
Those, "If you could eat with 10 people on a island who would they be" questions...I don'tlike them. First, 10 people is alot. I don't want to eat with 10 people ever unless there is a xmas tree erected somewhere. Second, what's with the island. Why can't we go over someone's house or eat in a nice restaurant? Just bothers me. Random, I know.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Squirmish
I just, I just feel a little uncomfortable today. I mean he's officially in office. So I'm squirmish. I'm just, unsure I guess is the word. Throw out all the bullshit about the color of his skin because for the most part if any race came across as racist throughout this whole process it is was actually the people of color. But now I'm the racist for saying that so it is what it is.
Unsure because he's unproven, doesn't show a strong love for the country, morals seem off, I can't really grasp anything that he stands for, he's given just about every important post to a Clinton stoolie, strongly considered Hillary Clinton as VP which is enough of an abomination as I can possibly think of and overall I think he lucked into becoming President. I mean the Dems could have trotted out Dead Uncle Bernie and he would have won. It was obvious Bush crushed his own party in this past election and mostly because people gave him a terrible approval rating. Not saying he was perfect but the way he's being pictured heading out of office is not something I would wish upon anyone. I mean let's just say he deserves better. Hopefully time will tell he was not as bad as people think or thought.
Either way it's time to move. Just couldn't not talk about it. It's kind of all over TV and stuff.
Unsure because he's unproven, doesn't show a strong love for the country, morals seem off, I can't really grasp anything that he stands for, he's given just about every important post to a Clinton stoolie, strongly considered Hillary Clinton as VP which is enough of an abomination as I can possibly think of and overall I think he lucked into becoming President. I mean the Dems could have trotted out Dead Uncle Bernie and he would have won. It was obvious Bush crushed his own party in this past election and mostly because people gave him a terrible approval rating. Not saying he was perfect but the way he's being pictured heading out of office is not something I would wish upon anyone. I mean let's just say he deserves better. Hopefully time will tell he was not as bad as people think or thought.
Either way it's time to move. Just couldn't not talk about it. It's kind of all over TV and stuff.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
1st super bowl ever
Congrats to the CARDS. Good lookin.
Suck it Eagles fans, suck it hard. And I'm glad Jon Gruden got fired. He needed to pay for allowing you guys in the playoffs. No business, none.
Suck it Eagles fans, suck it hard. And I'm glad Jon Gruden got fired. He needed to pay for allowing you guys in the playoffs. No business, none.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Who ordered the Turdburger?
4 day weekend. That itch on your leg is jealousy.
I want to travel to all 50 states before I die. I'm putting together a list of each state and it's "good side". Taking me longer than I thought. Maybe I'll have it up tonight.
P.S. Arkansas sucks donkey dick.
My XBOX 360 is officially broken. Past the warranty time to fix it for free. Bill Gates will get a turdburger in the mail sometime this week. The decision making process for a new console begins. And don't tell me Wii. Wii is for little boys.
*Editor's note: Wii is fun, don't get me wrong. But it's drunk fun, fanily fun not shut all the lights out and play Call of Duty for 6 hours while a fan blows on the console. Ok. It's not "Finish a Madden season in one sitting" fun. It's just not.
The plane crash thing was incredible. That pilot must be a angel or something. Outstanding job. Pay him, take him out to a steak dinner. Something. Anything.
I want to travel to all 50 states before I die. I'm putting together a list of each state and it's "good side". Taking me longer than I thought. Maybe I'll have it up tonight.
P.S. Arkansas sucks donkey dick.
My XBOX 360 is officially broken. Past the warranty time to fix it for free. Bill Gates will get a turdburger in the mail sometime this week. The decision making process for a new console begins. And don't tell me Wii. Wii is for little boys.
*Editor's note: Wii is fun, don't get me wrong. But it's drunk fun, fanily fun not shut all the lights out and play Call of Duty for 6 hours while a fan blows on the console. Ok. It's not "Finish a Madden season in one sitting" fun. It's just not.
The plane crash thing was incredible. That pilot must be a angel or something. Outstanding job. Pay him, take him out to a steak dinner. Something. Anything.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
The Sampler
I don't understand mental illnesses.
I can watch Scarface all day everyday and twice on Sunday's. Every line in that movie is quotable.
They are eating Racoon meat in Montrose, Mo.
The Wrestler was fantastic.
Arizona Sweet Tea. Love it.
You guys are reading my food blog right? Updates daily.
I'm contemplating a switch to PS3 just for Blu-Ray purposes. Although the new XBOX 360's will have blu-ray technology. Decisions, decisions.
I've boycotted getting a haircut and am growing a winter beard. I ahve my reasons.
I got some holiday weight to drop.
Sexual harrassment courses at work are funny. I would write them a bit different.
Example:
What did Jimmy do wrong?
A. Shove his penis in Jill's face/rectum.
B. Slap her violently then rip her shirt off.
C. Drag his balls over her face.
D. None of the above, all are acceptable behavior.
I can watch Scarface all day everyday and twice on Sunday's. Every line in that movie is quotable.
They are eating Racoon meat in Montrose, Mo.
The Wrestler was fantastic.
Arizona Sweet Tea. Love it.
You guys are reading my food blog right? Updates daily.
I'm contemplating a switch to PS3 just for Blu-Ray purposes. Although the new XBOX 360's will have blu-ray technology. Decisions, decisions.
I've boycotted getting a haircut and am growing a winter beard. I ahve my reasons.
I got some holiday weight to drop.
Sexual harrassment courses at work are funny. I would write them a bit different.
Example:
What did Jimmy do wrong?
A. Shove his penis in Jill's face/rectum.
B. Slap her violently then rip her shirt off.
C. Drag his balls over her face.
D. None of the above, all are acceptable behavior.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Title Defenseless
Fucking Giants. They have this great year, defending the title, beating the fuck out of just about everyone, earn a first round bye, get a chance to play at home both playoff games and then they lay a turd against the Eagles of all teams. The same Eagles who if the Bears or Bucs win on the last Sunday of the regular season are not even in the playoffs. That was grotesque.
Eli Manning's performance was offensive. Gilbride's play calling was painful. Going away from Jacobs in the 2nd quarter was silly. Especially when you saw what the wind was doing to Eli's balls (TWSS). The pass rush had at least one sack in 14 games this year. The other three they had zero......all three games were vs. the Eagles. The vaunted o-line couldn't get a push on crticial 3rd and 4th downs. 3-13 on 3rd downs. We missed Plaxico. Carney misses two FG's, one's he made all year. Football is painfully humbling. The worst team in the league can beat the best team in the league on any given day. There is no game 2 or 3 or 4 or 5. It's one game. It's 60 minutes. Sometimes the best team loses. And sometimes that's the team you root for. Give the Eagles credit. They have a very stingy defense and are playing their best football late in the year. When it matters most. Just like the Giants played down the stretch last year. They have also made the NFC Championship game 5 out of 8 seasons, which is impressive. Thank god No Super Bowl title to speak of (only one appearance) but still, a nice run for Reid and McNabb.
Anyway I blame all of this on the New York Mets. It is all their fault. Their past failures that allowed the Phillies to make the playoffs two years in a row and have given the city of Philadelphia that confidence that they never had before. Woe is me, we are gonna lose, we always lose, in heartbreaking fashion, this and that. Hemming and hawing, that is what Philly was known for. But now, since the Phillies won the World Series they believe they can win every game, and that this is a team, or a year of destiny. Fuck mojo. So thanks alot NY Mets. You ruined my summer and now you've stripped me of my winter.
I want to take a corn shit of grand proportions on Donovan McNabb's living room carpet. And then I want to put his fat mother's head in the oven.
At least the Cowboys are home.......
FEB 15th, Pitchers and Catchers......
Eli Manning's performance was offensive. Gilbride's play calling was painful. Going away from Jacobs in the 2nd quarter was silly. Especially when you saw what the wind was doing to Eli's balls (TWSS). The pass rush had at least one sack in 14 games this year. The other three they had zero......all three games were vs. the Eagles. The vaunted o-line couldn't get a push on crticial 3rd and 4th downs. 3-13 on 3rd downs. We missed Plaxico. Carney misses two FG's, one's he made all year. Football is painfully humbling. The worst team in the league can beat the best team in the league on any given day. There is no game 2 or 3 or 4 or 5. It's one game. It's 60 minutes. Sometimes the best team loses. And sometimes that's the team you root for. Give the Eagles credit. They have a very stingy defense and are playing their best football late in the year. When it matters most. Just like the Giants played down the stretch last year. They have also made the NFC Championship game 5 out of 8 seasons, which is impressive. Thank god No Super Bowl title to speak of (only one appearance) but still, a nice run for Reid and McNabb.
Anyway I blame all of this on the New York Mets. It is all their fault. Their past failures that allowed the Phillies to make the playoffs two years in a row and have given the city of Philadelphia that confidence that they never had before. Woe is me, we are gonna lose, we always lose, in heartbreaking fashion, this and that. Hemming and hawing, that is what Philly was known for. But now, since the Phillies won the World Series they believe they can win every game, and that this is a team, or a year of destiny. Fuck mojo. So thanks alot NY Mets. You ruined my summer and now you've stripped me of my winter.
I want to take a corn shit of grand proportions on Donovan McNabb's living room carpet. And then I want to put his fat mother's head in the oven.
At least the Cowboys are home.......
FEB 15th, Pitchers and Catchers......
Friday, January 09, 2009
Thursday, January 08, 2009
A horse eating oatmeal
Oh no she didn't just make herself a bowl of Oatmeal on the train.
Oh yes she did. After she squeezed her fat ass into that seat bitch pulled out a cup of scalding hot water from her starbucks bag and mixed in a pouch of oats and then a pouch of nuts and berries. All while wearing that beret. Man o man, everyday it gets better and better.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
0.08%
Driving under the influence. Those 4 words scare the shit out of me. I mean I drink all the time, no matter where I am but normally I trust myself enough to know when I should be driving and when I should be handing the keys over to someone else. BUT. That's doesn't mean I am under the legal limit of 0.08%. How would one know that without a breathalyzer in the car? They say if your Blood Alcohol Content is 0.08% that your under the influence. But I disagree. I know when I'm "under" the influence and chances are my limit is more than 0.08%. Only because I am an experienced drinker. Not because I'm smart. Let's get that straight.
How many times do you think you've driven a car after having a couple of cocktails? Ok. Good. And how many times do you think you were over the legal limit? You have no clue. I know. That's scary.
Let's say your at your boy's house watching the game and you've had 6 beers but you've ate 2 slices of pizza, 41 pretzels and some mixed nuts. Let's also say you pissed twice, once right before you leave the house. For sake of argument your not fat, even though you probably are, but your about my size. 5 foot 10, 185 lbs. What do you think your BAC would be?
Well, let's say you driving home, your going through a yellow light but it's a fast light and it blinks red quicker than you thought. Out of nowhere sirens are blaring and before you know it your on the shoulder of the road preparing to tell the officer that you've been drinking. Has to be a terrible feeling. Because the scumbag wants you to feel like you've done something wrong. Do you lie to him? When he asks have you been drinking what do you say? Yes. Or no. If you forgot to clean your mouth with a stick of Orbitz gum your breath might stink of beer and garlic powder. When he asks if you are willing to take a breathalyzer test what do you say? If you say no, at least in NY your immediately arressted for "suspicion of driving under the influence" and the only way to clear your record is to take a blood test that will show your BAC at the time was below the limit. If you reject the request to take a blood test the arrest will stick and you will be punished accordingly. So you take the breathalyzer test and you blow a 0.0816%. Now your name is Your Fucked because your going to get arressted. And your fine. You explain to your family that your fine, you could drive to Alberquerqe if you wanted to. But by law, your a drunk. Your a criminal drunk. And that my friends. Sucks.
Saturday is my birthday and we are going out to dine on tacos and beers. Two of my favorite things in the world. Cheap Mexican beer, cheap mexican food. Yes please. But you know what, I might turn down the last round so I can get home under the legal limit. And if I'm not under the legal limit, which there is a good chance I won't be, I hope I don't get pulled over.
Take no chances after you had a few. Stop for the yellow lights. Full stop at all stop signs. Don't speed. Let's admit, if your swerving your drunk and you don't know yourself. And you should get arressted. We like to sit here on our high horses and laugh at celebs and atha-leets who get busted for DUI's all the time. But we are no better. I know a girl who had a glass of wine on an empty stomach and drove home. She got pulled over (for driving like a women) and blew a smidge over 0.08%. Shocked as she was she admitted to having a glass of wine. The steel braceletes are cold. Real cold.
You guys be safe out there and know your limits. And if all else fails move to New Zealand where the legal limit is 0.15%!!!! Holy fuck that's like a 12 pack!
How many times do you think you've driven a car after having a couple of cocktails? Ok. Good. And how many times do you think you were over the legal limit? You have no clue. I know. That's scary.
Let's say your at your boy's house watching the game and you've had 6 beers but you've ate 2 slices of pizza, 41 pretzels and some mixed nuts. Let's also say you pissed twice, once right before you leave the house. For sake of argument your not fat, even though you probably are, but your about my size. 5 foot 10, 185 lbs. What do you think your BAC would be?
Well, let's say you driving home, your going through a yellow light but it's a fast light and it blinks red quicker than you thought. Out of nowhere sirens are blaring and before you know it your on the shoulder of the road preparing to tell the officer that you've been drinking. Has to be a terrible feeling. Because the scumbag wants you to feel like you've done something wrong. Do you lie to him? When he asks have you been drinking what do you say? Yes. Or no. If you forgot to clean your mouth with a stick of Orbitz gum your breath might stink of beer and garlic powder. When he asks if you are willing to take a breathalyzer test what do you say? If you say no, at least in NY your immediately arressted for "suspicion of driving under the influence" and the only way to clear your record is to take a blood test that will show your BAC at the time was below the limit. If you reject the request to take a blood test the arrest will stick and you will be punished accordingly. So you take the breathalyzer test and you blow a 0.0816%. Now your name is Your Fucked because your going to get arressted. And your fine. You explain to your family that your fine, you could drive to Alberquerqe if you wanted to. But by law, your a drunk. Your a criminal drunk. And that my friends. Sucks.
Saturday is my birthday and we are going out to dine on tacos and beers. Two of my favorite things in the world. Cheap Mexican beer, cheap mexican food. Yes please. But you know what, I might turn down the last round so I can get home under the legal limit. And if I'm not under the legal limit, which there is a good chance I won't be, I hope I don't get pulled over.
Take no chances after you had a few. Stop for the yellow lights. Full stop at all stop signs. Don't speed. Let's admit, if your swerving your drunk and you don't know yourself. And you should get arressted. We like to sit here on our high horses and laugh at celebs and atha-leets who get busted for DUI's all the time. But we are no better. I know a girl who had a glass of wine on an empty stomach and drove home. She got pulled over (for driving like a women) and blew a smidge over 0.08%. Shocked as she was she admitted to having a glass of wine. The steel braceletes are cold. Real cold.
You guys be safe out there and know your limits. And if all else fails move to New Zealand where the legal limit is 0.15%!!!! Holy fuck that's like a 12 pack!
Friday, January 02, 2009
Long live Billy Mays
Billy May's is the best. I love those info-mercials. They are so funny. You see what he's hawking now? This Big City Burger contraption, designed to cook mini-burgers. You know what I love about info-mercials. The way they make easy things that we all do everyday in the kitchen look like giant tasks. Flipping burgers is quite easy. I mean if the imbeciles at your local McDonald's can do it so can you. Yet they picture this poor woman, this poor retarded woman flipping the burger out of the pan and spilling grease on the stovetop.
AHH, OH NO! THIS IS SO HARD!!! I NEED A CONTRAPTION WHERE I DON'T HAVE TO FLIP THE BURGER!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!. HAHAHAHAHA. I love it. See for yourself:
AHH, OH NO! THIS IS SO HARD!!! I NEED A CONTRAPTION WHERE I DON'T HAVE TO FLIP THE BURGER!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!. HAHAHAHAHA. I love it. See for yourself:
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