New Year, whatever

New Years, so overated. Who gives a shit. New year, same shit. Instead of writing 10 when you fill out a check for a bill you have to pay you write 11. Sheer excitement. I mean let's face it you go to bed in 2010 the same man/woman you wake up to in 2011. Your cock aint bigger. Your fat hasn't slid off your hips. You make resolutions that last 20 minutes. It's a farce.

My favorite thing to do on New Years Eve was to hit up Atlantic City and gamble like a man possessed. But those days are over because I have kids. And kids, while wonderful little creatures of laughs, are also anchors. Strapped to your body until they are 40 years old. Because at least in AC, there was a chance, albeit a longshot, to start the New Years off a rich man. To start the new year off with something you didn't have before. It's really the only thing I want to do and when the kids turn 40 I'm gonna do it. I can hear AC calling me now.

Anyway Happy New Year if you're into that kind of thing.

Snow day

SNOW

Is it a pain the ass to get to work? Yes.
Is it a pain in the ass to get your car out? Yes.
Is it a pain in the ass to go to the store? Yes.
But that doesnt mean I don't love it. Only communists don't like snow.

Goddamn supermarket, everyone acts like there will never be food again.....I hate people but I love snow.

spirit

Baby it's cold outside. Xmas time is here, two days away from the feast of the year. 3 days away to prove what a cool daddy you are. I'm really starting to feel the Holiday spirit. This morning I drove in and I actually yielded to pedestrians! I never do that. Thanks Santa!

Crabs in marinara sauce
Grilled Lobster tails
Cold seafood salad
Fried Shrimp
Stuffed Squid
Baked clams

our version of the 7 fishes, no meats allowed and looks like only 6 and none of them are fishes. So it's not exactly traditional like in the old country.

For Xmas I go to her parents and I think they are doing a Prime Rib and a turkey.

I bought my daughter a two foot Gumball machine. Can't wait to see her reaction.
I remember, and I think I mentioned this already, but I remember when my parents bought me this bitchin Knight Rider bike. I mean waking up and seeing it assembled in front of the tree was at that point my greatest moment in life. I'm hoping to give my daughter these memories. And once my son is old enough him too. I mean it may be a commercial holiday now but at the time I though Santa was real and did this and it was such a good feeling. These memories drive xmas spirit.

Santa on Drugs

Unfortunately Kris Kringle's brother was introduced to booze and crack cocaine. Shortly thereafter he fled the North Pole for the seedy underground of the NYC Subway.

That's all I have for now

I'm back. Johnny Mathis seemed like a cool guy. You know that stupid dinner question? Like if you can choose 10 people to share a dinner with on a deserted island or whatever? I hate that question. I especially hate when people choose Jesus Christ as one of the dinner mates. Like Jesus would get deserted on a fucking island. He's gods son dumbass. He wouldnt be stranded on an island with some losers.

Back in 2 and 2

Hiatus.

Just for a bit.

It was a boy like I told you

12/4/2010, 8:07AM

6lbs. 2 ounces, 18.5inches long
nice size for a pre-term baby

He came a bit early (5 weeks) but he's doing well thus far, just waiting on word when we can take the lil dude home. Pics soon.

Thanks for the well wishes.

I am a poor boy too

What's your favorite Christmas song?

Mine is "The Little Drummer Boy", perfected by The Harry Simeone Chorale

My First Fucking Car.

And there she is. In all her glory. 1984 Oldsmobile Custom Cruiser Station Wagon. A throwback to a time when piling a family into a car meant wood panneling and bitchin' V8 engine. Dad taught me how to change the oil on this beast. We took this fucker down to Wildwood, NJ for summer vacations. We also did a Lake George trip and a Pocono's run. I learned how to pop the collar off the steering column with a screwdriver on this car. Which led to other life-changing events that I won't cover now. I also received fellatio in this car and sexually assaulted some girls in back carry wagon portion of this fickle beast.

I learned how to drive on this car. When I showed up the driving test with this beast the instructor took one look at me (scrawny kid, glasses, backwards hat, ny accent) and dismissed me immediately. Then I scored 100 on the test and she asked me if I can teach her nephew how to drive (how can a driving instructor not be able to teach someone how to drive i thought). Unfortunately the beast had to put down after 316,000 miles and wilted in the Florida heat. I miss her.

2010 El Pad Xmas Wish List

First off, I've asked for a Taser every year and I still haven't gotten it. Whatever. I want a fucking Taser.

In lieu of a taser, a bow and arrow.
Door kegerator kit.
XBOX 360 with all the bells and whistles.
One large Liger (Liger.)
Old School Survivor Series T-shirt.
One of those remote controlled helicopters from Brookstone.
Scotch
Wine
Beer
Those Flip video cameras are quite cool.
A cast iron pan.
A powerful laptop so I can rid myself of the bulky Home PC.
A globe.
A tablet PC for my travels abroad.
Food Processor, a really nice quiet one.
Ice Cream machine.
Piano, a big fucking Piano. I want to tickle the ivories.

Happy Shopping and remember it's the thought that counts.

Watch the parade and wait for Santa

Happy Thanksgiving guys. I'm taking tomorrow off but back Friday with my yearly "I WANT THIS SHIT FOR XMAS" list.

I know you're waiting on that.

Gobble gobble. Even though I'm not sure why Turkey stuck out as the main dinner option when the feast consisted of so much more like......The feast consisted of fish (cod, eels, and bass) and shellfish (clams, lobster, and mussels), wild fowl (ducks, geese, swans, and turkey), venison, berries and fruit, vegetables (peas, pumpkin, beetroot and possibly, wild or cultivated onion), harvest grains (barley and wheat), and the Three Sisters: beans, dried Indian maize or corn, and squash. (source WIKI aka The Bible)

Fucking wish we ate the three sisters instead. HEY OH!

Holiday Beer Season

Remember my beer post from awhile back, when I harped on seasonal beers? Well Xmas cometh early with Sam Admas Holiday Porter Malt. It taste like xmas morning, angels breasts, caramel, spice, slight autumn breeze and dove sex.

Another fantastic brew from Sammy Adams is Old Fezzig Ale. Available in the seasonal beer 24 pack this season. It taste like a sugar cookie with cinnamon, pine, a baked log and jesus breath. It's equally awesome.

Tomorrow I will try the Chocolate Bock. I imagine I will like it.

Holiday Porter.

Old Fezzig Ale.

Splinter

Remember thinking it was the end of the world when you got a splinter? I'm trying to think of the age but getting a splinter as a kid was so dramatic. Because you knew that your dad was going to take one look at that thing and get the damn sewing needle out to fish that sucker out of your finger. CRY ME A RIVER. That was some stressful shit.

I remember vividly having this one splinter from messing around with the garbage the lady next door was throwing out. She was re-modeling her house and there were some old 2X4's that I guess I had interest in. Anyway I had this massive splinter that initially I hid from my dad because I knew his tactics. And I wasn't down with that. I told my mom in confidence and too her credit she held off telling him for a day or two, it wasn't until the damn thing started to actually hurt when she gave me up. He took one look at that thing and grinned like he was getting paid to remove it. I screamed NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, he tried tweezers but they didn't work, due to my delay the wood situated itself under the skin. So the pin had to be used. And I cried and cried. He looked at me to stop crying, probably wondering to himself why his son was such a little bitch. I mean my dad was a tough bastard raised by a tougher bastard. And here I am crying like a lil girl while he's trying to remove a tiny foreign object from my tiny little index finger.

Not my finest moment.

Anyway splinters suck but are far less dramatic than they once were. I can't wait to torment my kids when they she get one.

Free Parking

You know living in NYC, well Brooklyn, has its perks and its hazards just like everywhere else. Parking is one of those hazards, unless you own a house with a driveway or rent a garage, finding a spot on a Brooklyn street is downright impossible at times. You literally have to drive around for a half n hour looking, hoping someone needs to leave and be at the right place at the right time to grab thier spot. And usually its at least a block or two away from where you actually live. It blows.

However the pizza is the best. And the deli's. But the parking sucks. I've wasted some of my life looking for a spots and it's annoying.

All Hallows Eve.....aka Halloween

Halloween, I don't know. I'm not judging but I think it's silly when adults dress up. But it looks like fun. Costumes are for kids. I know, this opinion sucks. Sorry. Either way here are my favorite halloweens growing up.

Batman, classic.
Spiderman, classic.
Hulk Hogan, was awesome.
Bam Bam from The Flintstones
Mike Meyers, classic.
Hamburglar from McDonalds.
Plastic Man, don't even trip that was bomb.
He-Man, classic.
Thundercat guy with the red hair.
Ninja Turtle, Leonardo.

I was a King once. Because my mother was cheap and just used the costume I already had for the school play.

Garbage. Literally just took a garbage bag and tapped shit to it. It was like the inside of a garbage pail threw up.

and that's all I can remember....

Halloween, a strange "holiday" if you think about it. It's actually just the day before All Saints Day or All Hallows Day. Dating back tho the 16th Century and it really does have to do with something spooky. Commonly its a prayful day which one forms a spiritual bond with the dead. Now it's just a reason to dress up in a slutty outfit and drink your face off. Not that I'm complaining. I wish I had an All Saints Day memory but it was just one more day to go to church and I hated going to church.

Romosclaviclehurts

Another sports pic that makes my day. This one tops yesterday's photo. I think.

Oh well, shit happens

Well, maybe next year Phillies.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Just a thought

I like taking legendary movie roles from other characters and mashing them into some of my favorite movies. Like could you imagine taking Joe Pesci's My Cousin Vinny character being the character of Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men. Or having Al Pacino character from A Scent of A Woman being Col. Nathan R. Jessup? What a tremendous idea.

Legalize Weed

Do it already, it would rescue the economy by allowing states to tax the plant. States would end up with surpluses. Jobs would be created. I mean think of it. Is Marijauna that bad? Alcohol is leagal and it kills more people than just about anything else. Did you know that the bible says God created marijauna on the third day (granted it was hemp but hemp comes from the Cannibas plant). Cannibas plants have been around for 8000 years people, and legal up until 1906. Which means our fore fathers were smoking that shit everyday.

"Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed which is upon the face of all the earth.…To you it will be for meat." … And God saw everything that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. (Genesis 1:29-31)

I mean God said it. So let's get it done. It's no different than sitting on your coach drinking your face off. Hypocrites.

Are you voting for this guy?

You know, this guy is right. The rent is too damn high.

Bad music good memories

Remember cheesy R&B music. Like Color Me Badd. Man that shit was awful but awesome. The 90's had it's moments with music. Like bad music that we all loved. Outside of the rap and hip-hop scene (which really started to take OFFFFFF in the 90's) other music was so bad it was good. Sort of like the 80's. Remember trying to impress a girl in school? I remember that shit. Everything seemed so serious then. I'd be chilling with my Walkman, had some tapes on me. Would gift my lil teenage lady a Boyz II Men tape and she's let me up her shirt. Good times.

Tony! Toni! Tone! has done it again. Play that anniversary song they sang for the 3 month anniversary, chick would give you a looseleaf letter with her lipstick on it. Those were the days boy. Little R. Kelly before the kiddie porn or some Jodeci.

Amazing how music triggers these memories.

Space Nuts

Ever get amazed by space? Isn't it fucking nuts. Space is nuts. Read the Wiki page for the International Space Station. That shit is crazy. I wanna fuck in space. Just me and my lady rolling around in the air, locked into to each other with my third orbital arm. Would be cool to pull out and watch semen fly slowly through the air.

I apologize

Don't you think that some 80's sitcoms would make killer band names?

Who's The Boss?
Perfect Strangers
The Wonder Years
A Different World
Boys Will Be Boys
Dear John
Different Strokes
Down To Earth
Full House
Hill Street Blues
Open All Night
Please Stand By
Square Pegs
Silver Spoons
The Baxters
The Facts of Life
Three's a Crowd
Three's Company
Throb
Webster
Working Stiffs

Even today's shows would work, or 90's sitcoms or sitcoms of the 50's, 60's 70's, they all work!

Just Shoot Me
Mad About You
Wings
Home Improvement
Friends
3rd Rock From The Sun
Community
Vampire Diaries
California Dreams
King of Queens
Futurama
Green Acres

Ok I'll stop.

Fallin for Fall

Today I profess my love for the fall season. If you live on the east coast and especially the northeast part of the country (Midwest too) then you know what I'm talking about. Fall is my favorite season of the year. Let me count the ways.

Weather. Today it's 66, sunny, slight breeze. The word is Crisp.
Apples. Apple pie. Baking, in general. Apple cider donuts.
Pumpkin cakess, pie, muffins.
Football. From Thursday to Monday with highlightsm analysis and previews in between.
Oktoberfest beer and other spicy dark brews.
Stews, chili's, pot roast, soups and other baked meats. Hearty food.
Foilage. Let's admit. It's beautiful. Gay or not.
Did I mention football?
Another step closer to Christmas, the most wonderful time of the year.
My wedding anniversary, we both share a love for Fall.
Peanuts and The Great Big Pumpkin.
Those fall smells, like maple pumpkin apple spice candles my wife buys.
Windows open at night. Breeze, cool 50's. Blanket, sleep.

random

You know what I like to do, usually when I take a shit? I like to peruse a catalog or dept. store magazine and pick one thing from each page that I'd like. It's fun. You know another magazine game I play is? I will usually do this with a sports magazine. I'll force myself to pick 25 things that I'd like to have or must have before the magazine pages run out. For instance if there is a nice truck or car on page 5 i'll take it. But you'd be surprised how you might not get to 25 things. Try it.

ok now that you know I'm really retarded go back to your reguarly scheduled internet surfing.

What I drink and Why

What I drink. Depends on the setting. I drink pretty much anything. Here's what I prefer.

Beer in any setting. Relaxing, partying, driving, eating, snacking, socialing, dancing, etc. Beer is good anytime and anytime I will drink it.

Scotch - Must be high quality, aged at least 12 years preferably 15. Blends work as well. Single Malt however is my favorite. I have a deep love for Glenlivet. It makes my balls tingle.

Whiskey - Tennessee sipping whiskey as they say. Jack Daniels is my favorite. If I'm out a club or bar with dancing and loud music I usually end up drinking Jack and Cokes. Sometimes I order it like this : "One Jack and Coke please, hold the Coke." Jack and Ginger is a close second.

Vodka - I just started getting involved with Vodka and I have to say, I'm impressed. Good Vodka barely registers a taste which makes it easy to shoot. Especially when cold. Also, not much of a hangover the next day. This is key. Good ol' fashioned Vodka and Cran if I'm feeling feminine. Rare but it's happened once or twice before.

Rum - Good rum, is extremely underated. It's delicious. Taste of caramel. During my travels to Jamaica I was on a steady diet of rum. I never felt better. My personal favorite is from Jamaica, Appleton Estates. And I'm talking dark rum.

Tequilla - Unless in a Margarita, which is acceptable at good Mexican restaurants (on the rocks) I like tequilla from the freezer to shoot. I have a love hate relationship with it. Sometimes I love it, sometimes I hate it. Good tequilla is nice though.

Wine - With dinner. Or chillin on a couch surronded by chocolates and flowers. Wine is lovely. When I drink wine I feel like my net worth grows.

Cordials - Grand Marnier. Nice subtle orange liquer. I like Kahula and milk as an after dinner drink while on vacation. Frangelica or Amaretto with coffee or a Sambuca with espresso. I don't normally do after dinner drinks like these but weddings or dinner parties they are a must.

Drink.

Men, you're welcome.

31 Ways to Open Your Beer in case a bottle opener is not available.

True use of a wedding ring.

Party Block

Block Party tomorrow. Clear the streets let the kids run around all day, cook, drink and be merry. Block parties are awesome. It's just one long day of hanging out. Of course the block party originated in NYC but I hope no matter where you live you get to chill out at one.

That reminds me, remember those corny rides as a kid like The Whip and the Pirate Ship? Man those rides suck but we loved them. Or Himalaya. Yeah let's go around in a circle for 3 minutes. YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can I go on again!!! So easily amused. That's when life was simple.

Mary Jane

Legalize weed. Tax it, earn revenue, control it.
Is Marijauna more harmful than alcohol or cigarettes?

There went the summer. I just failed to get to a clam shack and enjoy some clams. Might still be timem we'll see. I love places like that. Which is why I'm a fan of Ocean City Maryland and the Jersey Shore. We discovered Long Branch, NJ this summer. Nice lil beach thing going on there. I neglect Long Island for some reason. Deservedly so I think.

I just remembered I forget to get fudge from the boardwalk. There is still time!!!!!!

Does Ikea like fucking with their customers or they just think the world was put together with allan keys and compressed wood?

How did they get the Pretzel in the M&M?

Keepin it real

I dont have time for this shit.

Coming Soon.

Never Forget

Today marks the ninth anniversary of Sept 11, 2001. If you want to check on the progress of the permanent Freedom Tower being erected in place of the gone but not forgotten Twin Towers click here and also here. It will also include a stirring memorial, refelcting pools. Families that had love ones die that day I'm sure will enjoy going there to remember and celebrate their lives.

9 years later and Al Qaeda still remains a threat. The wars in Iraq and Afghanastan are still raging on, more so in Afghanastan than Iraq right now but either way we still have American blood being spilled in our honor. It's easy to say remember 9/11 but daily we all should be remembering the young men and women who are still fighting this war on terror so we can go to work, raise our families, play our games and live our lives.

9/11 will never be erased from my memory, the images are burned in my head along with the smell of destruction and death. I hope one day we never have to worry about dying when going to work. Some extremist blowing up a train or a building or a market. It's not something I spend too much time thinking of nor does it ever stop me from going about my business but it does linger in the back of my mind sometimes. Especially since my work travel has me passing underneath the Trade Center daily.

I'll end on a positive note because even if this day should be remembered for what it was it was also a joyous day for over 10,000 families. So here's to the future!

This video is fucking hilarious and sad.

I'm writing this to my wife.

Dear wife of mine, please stop watching The Depserate Housewives of ___________________ (insert city here). I will not watch sportscenter ever again if you agree to not to watch this shitshow. The show produces people like in the video below who are a hazard to society. They are all talentless, fake and phony people (with the exception of that ugly woman who's husband owns that catering hall). They live a lifestyle with hundreds of thousands of dollars in fake money giving people the wrong idea on how to live life and they are all butter faces. Even their bodies are fake. It's the most ridiculous show ever. Everytime you watch it I want to roll a tank in the living room to destroy the TV. And there is like 8 of them.

Also it spawns shit like this:



Make it stop. If Bravo didn't have Top Chef I'd blow up the headquarters.

Chillaxin'

You know what's nice? Days off. Days off are nice. I like taking this days off to go to the beach with my family, you know before the summer starts wrapping up, and to just chill. Be a normal person, run errands, take a nap maybe, watch a movie. Eat. Drink at noon. Awesome stuff like that. Being on the grind that shit gets lost. I think now I'll go to Costco and buy a big box of something. Then maybe come home take a long shower, shave my nuts and eat a chicken parm hero. Then watch a movie and take a nap. Sounds good.

Networking then

You know what I was thinking on the way in. As I was watching tourists take video of Ground Zero with their camera phones I was wondering what images what have looked like had that technology been around during that day. Sept 11, 2001 was 9 years ago almost. There weren't any cell phones or smart phones with cameras on them then. And if there were not too many people had them. Also there was no Twitter or Foursquare or Facebook. Imagine how different that day would have been with all that social networking around?

I probably would have recorded what I saw, or maybe my walk across the Brooklyn Bridge en route home. Maybe it's a good thing those "amenities" were not quite born yet. Just a thought.

Mango Salsa

Hopsicle.

The simplest invention must be the toothpick. I can see it now. Couple of Indians sitting around a fire just finished eating a buffalo heart trying to figure out how to remove the remnants from their teeth. The smart one sees a stick and decided to start whittling it down to size and voila! The toothpick was born.

Would you rather be mauled by a bear or eaten by a lion?

Another silly question to ponder, if you can have something named after you what would that be? A street, a park, a sanwhich? I would choose a beer. Hey, pick up an El Pad 12 pack before you come over. That would be cool.

White wine is only useful to me as cooking liquid.

I wonder how long it would take for one person to eat at every single NYC restaurant? Also if a company would fund it, I'd like to do it. Could you imagine how cool that would be? This idea sounds like the guy who was picked to live on that remote Australian island for free and write about it for a travel site. Parameters would be simple. One guy, picked to eat one meal at every NYC restaurant once a day. Preferably dinner and then write a review about it, post it to a site and so on. This site could make money selling advertisements. I mean off the wall spots too, not just Zagat joints. I like the idea.

Why do you think Germans make the best knives? Or Swiss make the best watches? Don't you feel like anything they can do we can do better? Or are the materials THAT much better?

That's all I got today.

I made a cock. With a cock. Amazing.

Hey, is that your umbilical cord there or are you just excited to see me!

Looking at the legs from underneath the baby on this picture. There is no doubt.

8-19-54

Happy Birthday pops!

56. LT's number......

Miss ya.

Luxury Mattresses

Hey El Pad readers, I got a treat for you. If you live in the Northeast area and are in need of a luxury mattress check out this link : Saatva.

This company is like Zappos.com but instead of shoes they sell luxury mattresses. No storefront, one warehouse, manufactured themselves and sold exclusively online. This is no scam. Google the company yourself. I'm telling you this because I have a small part-time position there and can profit if any mattresses get sold using the above link. Nothing more important than a nice sleep and a heavy dump. And since I can't help you with taking a heavy dump I can help you get a nice sleep. Keep it in mind when in the market for a new mattress.

No Mosque

Do I think a Mosque should be built near and or around Ground Zero?

No. But let me just say this. One of the reasons why this country is so great is because it allows people to follow, believe and worship any god they want. And this debate has nothing to do what religion but everything to do with 9/11. If Jews flew planes into those buildings I'd have no problem with a Mosque being built. I would however, oppose a Synagouge. Get the drift? One more point, Muslims think they are slick but any little research into the culture would reveal that they build Mosque's on sites of triumph, conquests and victories. I can't help but think they will relish in the moment, almost daily, that they can worship the prophet a few blocks away from where their brothers murdered a few thousand people. It makes me sick. And don't look now but the president who claims he is not Muslim depsite studying Muslim and having a Muslim father thinks it's a good idea, because "Our committment to religious freedoms must be unshakable". Fair enough Barack Hussein Obama. I then suggest they also build a Mosque right outside the Pentagon. Happy Ramadan Obama!

Remember me?

Is there etiquette involved in approaching someone you remember from your past in person? I saw this chick I used to hang out with in Junior High School, (we had a not sex relationship just knew her moslty from hanging out with her brothers but she was in all my classes growing up), this morning on the train and honestly I didn't even want to talk to her I just wanted to know if she was who I thought she was. But didn't know how to go about asking. Women these days find it weird for random guys to talk to them. They'd much rather you "friend" them on facebook and talk via text for days on end.

Anyway is there a proper way to say hey, remember me? From my persepctive my appearence from then to now has changed. I'm barely recognizable. I've put out like 60 pounds of muscle and or fat (real skinny scrawny kid in JHS) and had glasses (not anymore). So recognizing me is not easy. I remember every kid I went to JHS with. And this isn't the first time this has happened although it is the first time someone I thought I knew sat next to me on the train. So hello Theresa Palermo. Sorry I don't have facebook.

No Smoking

I don't know why anyone still smokes these days but if I was a smoker and saw this commercial I'd stop immediately. That shit is nasty.

Stimulate my nuts

Everyday I read shit like this that makes me shake my head. Our government is a mess and with the president's approval rate at an all-time low (41%) I hope it lasts until November of 2012 so his ass gets voted out. I'm afraid his superior orator skills and dashing smile will dupe voters once again. At least this time we'll have actual proof (like above) of the things that went bad because I'm sure the Democratic cadidate will have all the things that went right. In his mind anyway. Politics is not something I've ever wanted to follow but unfortunately you don't have a choice if you care about making money and supporting a growing family.

Citifield is not a piece of Shea-t

Remember when I reminicsed about Shea Stadium and all it's former glory? Yeah scratch that. Was at Citifield, Shea's replacement, on Wednesday night. Holy fuck what an awesome stadium. HUGE and open filled with better food, beer, concession options. Great sight lines, awesome scoreboards/video boards and wide open concourses. My father would not understand this marvel. He'd wonder what bar tables were doing out in centerfield or how come the seats were so comfortable. I miss Shea but I miss it alot less now.

3

3 years ago my life changed forever....

Happy Birthday to my little girl.

Combining ridiculous cuteness and off the charts hilarity you are awesome. (picture forthcoming)

gay=art=cooking?

Am I gay because I love to cook? That doesn't make me gay right. I always associate anything artsy to be gay and cooking is kind of artsy. Don't know why I think that as most of the celebrated chefs are not gay. But there are a few. And some of the critics are gay as well. Not like it matters, your gay your gay whatever.

This was a silly post.

State of Cell Phones

Still haven't gotten a phone yet. The only thing I miss is not wasting time. Really that's what phones are for. Wasting time. If you think of it, the phone makers all advertise this way. No one says "Buy my phone because being in touch is important". They say, "Over 225,000 apps".

Not only is Facebook all the rage but Facebook is on every mobile phone coming out. It's like the phone is pretty much the internet on the go. And the companies that service, make, and build these phones ARE MAKING A FORTUNE. Remember the Motorola STAR 5000? Or the Nokia 5700? Yeah, well those are like Datsun cars right about now. If I'm a investor I buy a basket of phone company stocks right now. From the builders to the service providers. This is just the beginning.

Got jokes?

You know what's funny? Sterotype jokes. I love them. I think they are all hilarious. You know what's sad? People that choose to think it's racist. Grow up. Get a sense of humor. The best comics still use politically incorrect jokes. Well some of the best, most are afraid and just do jokes they know their audience would like. Since it's a specific audience. White people are the butt of many black comedians routine. And they (white people) take it in stride. Shit I laugh at most of those jokes. When they are done right and delivered perfectly a sterotype joke is the best there is. You hear black comics all the time make white jokes. Yet you rarely see a white comic making black jokes. I'm pretty sure it's because black people are too sensitive so they get offended when a white person makes a joke about black people. They are much more emotional. It's like white people are not allowed to joke about black people because they never went through the struggle. It's a double standard. Like alot of other things. I guess I'm a racist right now for writing that. Sometimes this country sucks and theres nothing you can do about it. You can't move to another country because the other countries suck even more. The grass is not greener people.

This post was not meant to drift into a white/black thing. I just love sterotype jokes and hate when people get offended by them. Cmon people. Laugh a little. Your going to die very soon.

Changing the oil

Is there one thing you wish one of your parents would have passed down something to you. Whether it was a skill or a language or a heirloom? When I was like 11 my dad used to have me change the oil on his Plymouth and this continued until I was like 14. Only thing that changed was the car (Buick). But my dad knew a great deal about cars and while I showed no interest in knowing anymore about them other than oil filters and changing the oil I sometimes wish he passed down more of that knowledge to me. And by knowledge I mean intimate knowledge like engine re-builds, carburetors, radiators, steering columns, etc. Not basic stuff like changing a flat or installing new wipers. That I know.

His father was a master mechanic (and butcher). He could diagnose a problem with a car just by me describing a sound. Obviously with the way cars are built now some of those skills seem obsolete. Like VCR repairmen. But it's still a cool little back pocket card to pull out every once in awhile. At the very least I can change my own oil. Not like I would, shit only cost $20 but still.

Masturbate and get ripped

This is gay. Also I can just masturbate and get the same result no? What the fuck is this? HAHAHAHHAH this is so absurd.

I'm back

Missing work for a week then coming back is like getting kicked in the nuts by a four legged animal. It sucks. Then you get in and there is a shitshow going on that apparentely you are responsible for the clean up, you know since you were here last week and all. Then god forbid you mention you are tired. How can you be tired you were on vacation last week? Ok, so what bitch what am I a fucking bear. You think I slept for 7 straight days moron. Just cuz I didn't come in to work doesnt mean I can't be tired. I wanna slap these people with a shit diaper.

Piece

On LOV today I welcome Lebron James to the Knicks.

In other news I'm away for a week. Going up to the mountains then maybe an Atlantic City trip.

See ya when I see ya.

Cell Phone Robbery

So I was at the beach on Saturday chillin' with my lil homegirl and before I got to the beach I had a phone. However when I left I no longer had a phone. You see while alot has been done to clean up the Coney Island beaches officials forgot to get rid of all the lowlifes that populate the area. This can simply be done with a "daisy cutter" bomb. Rebuild the area and an influx of solid character people will come. I was sitting around a group of young spanish (spics) teenagers and you know they were rambuctions and whatnot. Not one of them were over 120 lbs. and none of them would physically strike fear into anyone alive. They were harmless is what I'm trying to say. Harmless little spanish flies. So I stored my phone on the front cooler bag pocket and throughout the day used it for a number of reasons, once to take a picture of a large woman wearing a not so large bathing suit for scientific reasons, and a couple of times to call my wife. Each time I put it back in the cooler bag. We went back and forth to the water because my daughter fucking loves it and each time we'd come back and nothing would be missing. So during the last trip to the water (we were there for about 20 min) I came back to my stuff and started packing up to leave. Not even noticing that the kids that were around me were gone. So as I start packing up I get to the boardwalk and check for my phone. Not there. Check again. Not there again. Check one more time. Not there. Retrace my steps from blanket to beach thinking phone fell out somehow (keep in mind I'm lugging around 30 lbs. of shit and a tired toddler). NOTHING FUCKING THERE. Anger starts to set in like rigor on a dead body. Then it hits me. When I got back to my blanket, those dirty spics were not there. They must have taken it from my cooler bag, seeing me use it throughout the day, and bounced like quick. I was down by the water for 20 minutes min so it's possible. I didn't lose the phone. Checked everywhere. Even the damn sand. I got robbed. I know, I know, I should have left the phone in the car. Well fuck you Coney Island, until you blow up those rent controlled projects that surrond one of America's historically great destinations I will boycott your beach forever!!!! (probably not).

I have enjoyed some nice phone freedom. Not being in constant contact all the damn time is quite 1980 ish and feels good. With that said I'm jonesing for some Blockbreaker.

gehtto lunch

Macaroni and butter. Tomato sandwich. Kraft Macaroni and Cheese? Ramen noodles with leftover chicken cutlets? Cucumber in pita bread? Syrup sandwich? Jiffy corn muffins? Buttered Matzoh with honey? Classic PB & J? Rice and beans? Boiled potato smashed with butter or with tomatoes. Grilled cheese. Fried baanana (tostone or amarillo).

What was your favorite ghetto ass lunch mom used to hook you up with in the summer?

I ate all of the above growing up. And looking back, knowing what it's like to struggle a bit financially I can see why I was fed like a war torn Irish immigrant. Put I also appreciate what my parents did and don't tell anyone this but I crave some of that poor food today.

Nevermind

You ever see a couple who look like each other? Doesn't that freak you out a bit. Then you start wondering like maybe they were born to only child parents and the parents died in a dramatic fashion like a fiery hotel explosion or they got jackknifed by a semi. And since the parents are dead, the grandparents happened to be dead too so they figured maybe as brother and sister they would date because they were attracted to each other and were already best friends. Is it true if you fuck your sister you get retarded kids? I don't know. I don't want to google that. Nor do I want to fuck my sister. Obviously I think that's nasty but when I see a couple that look like brother and sister I wonder. Don't you wonder?

You don't?

Me neither. Nevermind.

Celebrate the Seasons with me

One of the things I enjoy the most about living in the Northeast region of the country, besides of course getting pounded with "Nor'Easters", is the changing of the seasons. I love the weather in between, right on the verge of each season and the changes that you can see and feel. My favorite season is fall. Not only because of the weather but because of football and chillis and stews and foilage. The thing that I do to celebrate the changes of seasons is drink beer. But not your average everyday beer. Seasonal beer. Let me run through my favorites.

Summer, Summer Ale (available May to July)
Since yesterday was the first day of Summer, officially, let me share with you my favorite Summer Ale. Many breweries make them and I've tried a whole bunch of them but nothing taste as good or better than Honey Moon Ale. Made by the good folks at Blue Moon Brewing Company. It's dry but has a sweet finish. It's brewed in small batches and has a golden color. Hints of clover honey and orange peel (a Blue Moon specialty). It's better than the Summer Ale by Samuel Adams. In fact all of Blue Moon's seasonal beers are excellent but the Summer Ale, the Honey Moon Ale is the best and my favorite. One more sidenote to consider, it's 5.6% ABV. Which means you'll get drunk.

Fall, Oktoberfest
Pardon me but I have choose two here. Could really pick 5 at the least because alot of breweries make a strong Oktoberfest. The two that stand out to me are Spaten and Becks believe it or not. I know Becks is a German brand but they are kind of Americanized. They make an excellent Oktoberfest. Trust me. Spaten pretty much created Oktoberfest beer and going with the company that resides in Munich and actually serves millions of liters to the Germans during the actual Oktoberfest celebration is a a no-brainer. It's a medium bodied beer with bite and tickles the throat (TWSS) with a slight sweetness beer drinkers enjoy. It's 5.9% ABV, another strong outing. Shout out to Brooklyn Brewery Pumpkin Ale, strong third place even though it's not an Oktoberfest it will rock your balls in the fall.

Winter, Winter Lager
Sam Admas makes the best Winter Lager. It's just delicious. It actually warms you up. You taste every note from the moment it touches your palate to the last swallow. First the color. Deep ruby brownish sort of color, then the smell. Cinnamon, ginger and a hint of citrus. Just makes me feel alive when the weather is dreadful. It's also 5.6% ABV.

Spring, Early Spring Brew
Sierra Nevada makes an Early Spring Brew that is fantastic. It's a bit bitter but balanced well. It's a bit woodsy and left unfiltered by the brewing company. Which leaves behing a reddish copper tone color beer. It's a west-coast twist on an old English classic brew. Bock style beer and Heifeweizen style beer are also considered Spring beers. Bock's are usually very strong, agressive beers where as Heifeweizen type brews are more malty/wheaty. Shiner makes great Bock style beers. Alot of breweries make a good Heifeweizen including Blue Moon, Sierra Nevada, Shiner, Widmer, Sam Admas, Porter, Paulaner, etc. Lots of good choices.

I raise my glass to the seasons and to you. Cheers.

One steak please extra antibiotics.

I'm finally starting to look into this "Organic" food era we are in now. Yuppies have been riding this horse for quite sometime now and it looks like it isn't going away. Also the Food Network, Top Chef and all these cooking shows/programming have been shoving this shit down our throats. Problem I've had with it has been two fold. One, the price. Shit is like double of what I'd normally pay for just about anything that says "Organic". Two, not sure it makes that much of a difference.

No I don't like eating stuff with pesticides on it and yes I'd prefer my meat to not be raised on drugs or what have you. But my parents and my grandparents ate nothing organic for the most part. Granted they are dead (cept for Mom) but certaintly not from eating Waldbaums brand chicken breasts. Point is, what's the major differences, truthfully. I intend to get to the bottom of that. Will clue you in once I do.

Oh forgot one thing. Fuck PETA.

UPDATE, READ ME

I got a food blog, I contribute to two sports blogs, I have a music and movie blog, and I have my own blog. And I have a Twitter and was thinking about joining that TUMBLR thing and creating a financial blog. But that seems like overkill. So I'll just use this main blog more often for things like movies and music, financial items that catch my eye, general news and not do the TUMBLR thing. So in the end you win. You get more content at one spot. Congrats.

I'm still keeping my food blog because I have some fun with it and think it could be a serious future endeavor. If you haven't checked it out go here for recipes, pics and general food news.

Of course to the right I link the two sports blog I contribute to. LOV, not sure if you know or care, started when an intern for Bill Simmons started his own sports blog and got all uppity when the comment section became a chat room. He was a GRADE A doucher so the commenters created their own blog, Lordz of Vengeance, and it's more than just sports at this point. It's a nice way to pass time and the comment section is unruly at times. The other blog is a New York Mets Blog, it's called The Daily Stache , named after it's father Keith Hernandez. It's a feature piece blog that soley focuses on the Metropolitans and everything related to them. I do a feature piece about once a week give or take.

So now that you know I'm all over the interwebs I will send you back to your regular scheduled program of your job sucking your ass out and spitting in your mouth. Cuz I know it sucks. Don't lie.

No title

Why can't Chinese people drive?

Why does the McDonalds people always have to ask me if I want to try their new "shitty coffee drink of the month" every fucking time?

Why is country music and soccer so popular but no one I know (outside of World Cup) gives a shit about either?

If I took a shit in a tupperware and froze it, then retrived it once frozen and chucked it threw someones window that i hated would that be awesome?

Is the grass really greener? Or is it a dying brown color?

If you don't worry about stuff you can't control who will? The people who control it? Think about it.

It's true, kids do really say the darnedst things.

Like way too often.

For all of my uncircumsized brother,


your on your own you freaks.

Television Set

Think of how much cable changed the game of TV. Remember when TV was a treat. Like you had your shows lined up for the week and they were all special. Your mom would make sure you were fed, bathed and in bed by 10pm to make sure she didn't miss Knots Landing or Dallas.

I'll give you a list of shows I remember watching as a kid/teenager.

Cosby Show, The Wonder Years, Doogie Howser, The Simpsons, Saved By The Bell, Full House, Family Matters, Cheers, Who's The Boss, Night Court, 227, Growing Pains, MacGyver, Mr. Belveder, Charles in Charge, Small Wonder, Matlock, Perfect Strangers, A Different World, Married...With Children, Murphy Brown, Roseanne, Webster, Different Strokes, Three's Company, In Living Color, Wings, Parker Lewis Can't Lose, Beverly Hills 90210, Step-By-Step, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Hangin With Mr. Cooper, Living Single, Boy Meets World, Frasier, NYPD Blue, Law and Order. (I'm sure I'm missing some).

That's about it as Cable started to draw in my genre. MTV debuted The Real World in 1992 and that slowly changed the game, rapidly changed by the new millennium. If you were middle class and your parents allowed it, you had cable. And you pretty much stopped watching network TV. Despite there being a ton of good stuff on network TV over the course of the years I rarely watch it. Sports has alot too do with that but even if I'm not watching a game I can't remember the last time I recorded a show on network TV to watch later. And please I know the Office and 30 Rock and (insert name of good tv show here) are on network TV and solid shows but cable has better programming. I hate when people say there is nothing on. Bullshit. There is always something good on to watch. ALWAYS. If all else fails you can always watch a lion rip the throat out of a zebra.

stupid hats

Ali Ali Ali Ali Ali ALEJANDRO ALI ALI ALI ALIJANDRO

What the fuck kind of song is that? This Lady Gaga phenomenon has gone on long enough! Stop it! Wacky bitch.

Dream on

I haven't had shit to talk about lately. But summer is here. BBQ's, block parties, beachgoing, weekend trips and boiled crabs. I'm setting forth some professional goals that I am most surely will either not attain or forget about by the end of the summer. That's just how it is. I refuse to take a multi-vitamin. They smell. Gynocologist rooms are intimidating. And there is no distinct smell. Being pregnant 40 weeks must suck something fierce. I think it's dumb. Thanks alot Jehovah. This fucking oil spill, why doesn't the government force BP to hire a company that can help them or better yet what is NASA doing. Can't they come up with an idea to stop the oil from gushing millions of gallons of water into the ocean? WHAT THE FUCK. Lick my balls BP. Every inch of them and it's gonna take you awhile. London faggots. I want to buy a food truck. And then parlay that into a restaurant. I got big dreams. Water makes you pee. Not seeing the importance of drinking it.

I did it again

Whoops. My wife pulled the goalie.

summertime

Yeah so it's been awhile. Get off my back I've been busy at work. I'm like the guy at the circus who follows around the elephant with the giant broom and dustpan lately. Boo hoo cry me a river right, yeah I know. Anyway Memorial Day Weekend is upon us and every year I've probably written something like enjoy the weekend the summer is upon us and all that. So do that. Baseball and beer. That's what the summer is about. And panties.

Is it me or does Summer make you horny. I just wanna fuck in the summer. Maybe it's the ice pops or the sweaty bedrooms that gets me all worked up. Or the ice cream. Or just the fact that less clothes are needed. I'm sure I'm not alone. My earliest memories of the summer are getting my head shaved and hitting up the pizzeria on Coney Island Ave and playing Street Fighter II for hours. Or riding the GT Dyno I had to the schoolyard to play ball all day. then come home, shower, and go hang out with some lady friends on Kings Highway. Or on someones stoop (brooklyn slang stoop is the area in front of someones house, like the steps). Maybe one of those nights you take your girl for a walk and start kissing her with your tongue. Maybe feel a titty if your lucky. Or if the stars were really ripe you got to stick your finger in her vagina and wiggle it around. Those were the days. Then because you were the pimp of the group, once you went back to your boys you stick that finger in their nose. And said "THIS, my friends, is what the nectar smells like. You faggots will never know!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!".

Summertime.

DVR ON THE RADIO

Shouldn't car radios or any radio for that matter have the technology to record music for you? Let's say you happen to hear a song on the radio that you like but when you try to download it you forget, wouldn't it be convienient for you to just hit record on the radio? Then copy that memory to a CD or maybe they would use some sort of memory stick. This might even exist and I don't know it but I thought about it the other day.

Another solid invention, if I weren't so lazy I'd be a millionaire.

This post is long and angry. deal.

Look I work on "Wall St." Not actually on wall st but that just means I have a job in the financial industry. I work for an Investment Bank. A really fucking big one that makes over 3 billion dollars a quarter. I am not an Investment Banker. I've been having a real hard time trying to understand why people have this image of people that work on Wall St. as greedy mongrels who destroy "Main St." and the likes of good hard working American people. Like we ain't fucking American. Like I don't pay a SHITLOAD of taxes, taxes that feed poor people and put diapers on lil Russian kids on welfare when they have a mother and father driving around in Mercedes Benz.

What I don't work hard?

I gave out shitty mortgages to shitty people? I stole your granny's 401K? I fired your dad from the factory plant? Obama makes Wall St. out to be enemy #1, knowing full well America relies on our incomes our business and our astronomical company profits. This administration makes me sick and it's mainly because of the attitude it has towards my line of work. It's like he is trying to divide a country? Aren't we all American? Wall St. lost money and jobs, thousand and thousands of jobs. Just like Main St. But because the market corrected itself, because corporations made bad decisions and because Wall St. packaged shitty mortgages TO MAKE MONEY OF THEM they are the enemy.

There are 55,000 people that work in my firm. Probably less than 1% of that number include a wayward employee or a rogue trader who just sees dollar signs and breaks Firm policies to get rich. Usually our regulatory governing bodies, who by the way get elected by the very same politicians who are screaming about how bad we suck, catch those people and make them pay. Sometimes they don't, see Madoff, Bernie. But the majority of that workforce are simply hardworking people just like you. Just like a teller at a bank or a construction worker or a assembly line factory worker or an entrepreneur or a garbage man or a cop or a teacher.

I want to pass along a letter that might be a little over the top but it sums up kind of the way Wall St. is starting to feel like in regards the attitude being cast upon them.

This is why the letter I found below is the most awesome thing I ever read. It's so fucking true. People that complain about the wall streeters, casting this big giant net over everyone who works for a Brokerage Firm or Investment Bank really have no clue:

1) how one operates and
2) how hard we work

They also have no clue what it's be like if we become this sedated, tightly regulated, government controlled afterthought to the Economy. Trust me. It would be a disaster.

This is the most awesome thing I ever read.

"Beware of the Dinosaurs"

We are Wall Street. It's our job to make money. Whether it's a commodity, stock, bond, or some hypothetical piece of fake paper, it doesn't matter. We would trade baseball cards if it were profitable. I didn't hear America complaining when the market was roaring to 14,000 and everyone's 401k doubled every 3 years. Just like gambling, its not a problem until you lose. I've never heard of anyone going to Gamblers Anonymous because they won too much in Vegas.

Well now the market crapped out, & even though it has come back somewhat, the government and the average Joes are still looking for a scapegoat. God knows there has to be one for everything. Well, here we are.

Go ahead and continue to take us down, but you're only going to hurt yourselves. What's going to happen when we can't find jobs on the Street anymore? Guess what: We're going to take yours. We get up at 5am & work till 10pm or later. We're used to not getting up to pee when we have a position. We don't take an hour or more for a lunch break. We don't demand a union. We don't retire at 50 with a pension. We eat what we kill, and when the only thing left to eat is on your dinner plates, we'll eat that.

For years teachers and other unionized labor have had us fooled. We were too busy working to notice. Do you really think that we are incapable of teaching 3rd graders and doing landscaping? We're going to take your cushy jobs with tenure and 4 months off a year and whine just like you that we are so-o-o-o underpaid for building the youth of America. Say goodbye to your overtime and double time and a half. I'll be hitting grounders to the high school baseball team for $5k extra a summer, thank you very much.

So now that we're going to be making $85k a year without upside, Joe Mainstreet is going to have his revenge, right? Wrong! Guess what: we're going to stop buying the new 80k car, we aren't going to leave the 35 percent tip at our business dinners anymore. No more free rides on our backs. We're going to landscape our own back yards, wash our cars with a garden hose in our driveways. Our money was your money. You spent it. When our money dries up, so does yours.

The difference is, you lived off of it, we rejoiced in it. The Obama administration and the Democratic National Committee might get their way and knock us off the top of the pyramid, but it's really going to hurt like hell for them when our fat a**es land directly on the middle class of America and knock them to the bottom.

We aren't dinosaurs. We are smarter and more vicious than that, and we are going to survive. The question is, now that Obama & his administration are making Joe Mainstreet our food supply ... will he? and will they?

CREAM

Is money everything? I would say no. But I never had that much so what do I know. It certaintly makes things easier. I've always said I don't want to be rich but I do want to be comfortable. I like to go out to dinner, I want to vacation every year, I would enjoy not worrying about having enough money in the bank to cover a bill or an emergency.

Money doesn't make an Oreo cookie taste better or make me love my wife anymore than I already do. Money doesn't change how I feel about the president or my state senators. It certaintly wouldnt affect my vote. Money has not once asked me how I felt or rubbed my back. Money doesn't make me laugh nor does it call me daddy.

Money can make me feel secure, house my family and put food on my table. In that case money is everything. But other than that, a big that I know, it's not the end of the world if you don't have much. Sure it would be nice, but so would a river flowing with beer. Or a law that allowed me to punch people in the face without any repercussions.

Comfortability, that's all I ask.

Kindle Smash

Notice how EVERYONE is texting lately. Texting is the way to communicate now. No one picks up the phone anymore. And I mean cellphone. Forget about land lines. Shit I don't even have a land line. It's funny too because you might have a friend or two who if you call them they don't pick up, but when you text them they get back to you immediately. What my voice sounds stupid or something?

The worse is when old people start texting. It's hilarious. My mom texts. One of my Aunt texts. Always funny when I get a text from the elderly community.

It's at a new level with blackberry's. A text from a blackberry (if you are texting someone else with a blackberry) is called a BBM. So it's like an exclusive chat feature or network. Still think Nextel was the shit. Minimum conversation, childhood way of connecting to someone by replicating a walkie talkie, push to talk feature, pinging contacts, etc. I don't have an IPhone and I ain't mad that I don't. Don't know how many of those "apps" I would actually though. I mean there are only 24 hours in a day. What I do know though is that whenever I see someone reading from one of those Kindle devices from Amazon. I wanna slap it out of their hand and stomp on it repeatedly.

I sent this to everyone in the office (hat says dunce)

$4 to get to work
$3.50 to eat breakfast
$7 on lunch

breaking balls in the office in the name of revenge and boredem

PRICELESS.

Pizza

Dear Pizza,

I love your cheese skin. Your crunchy backside. Your undeniable musk. You are simple yet sophisticated. You are the sunshine of my food life. If I had to pick one food to eat for all eternity I would pick you. I hope that makes you feel good about yourself. As if you have a self-confidence issues. You are radiant. Stop it, no you stop it. I can't get enough of you. When done right you can be the perfect food. And thank god I can always get you done right where I live. You sucked in Florida. I don't even care for toppings. I just want you naked. I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE! When I bite down, when I fold you over, when I finish you off I'm just so satisfied. You fill my belly with joy and laughter. And everytime I call, you are there.

More Ovaltine please!

I should write something. My phone broke.

Woe.

When I don't have a phone I do alot of thinking. Like yesterday I was thinking I should get my real estate licence for shits and gigs. Then thought about building a go kart (for no reason?).

I always have ideas. What about a 24 hour liquor drive thru store. Wouldnt that be suite? Being able to just drive through and pick up a fifth of Jack Daniels and some Summer Ale. Who wouldnt favor that store over a store in which you have to park, go into store, remove item from shelf, then carry it put to the car. Too much work.

You drive up, you see a menu, you order, you pay, you drive off. Fucking great. and their would be a beer lane just for beer so beer people dont have to held up by some wine snob or a party bus.

I also think about what I would do with the money I'm going to collect when I hit mega millions. I've talked about this before but the dreams change often. Today, if I won I'd build me a trading floor in my house and day trade stocks all day. I'd also want a pet mongoose.

Did you know that you can collect unemployment for like 29 months. What kind of shit is that? I've been working 40 hours since I'm 15 years old (illegal in most states not Florida!). Get off your ass and find a job. Goddamn Obama is driving me crazy.

Subway Shots

Hey sexy! Is that one giant TITTY? Or 3 seperate tits? Please advice.















My life so hard, me so tired. What's up with the Mexican dude smiling like he just got laid?

Half man, half baby giraffe. Fuck my life.

Parents Cliche 101

Did something I thought I'd never do. Used a parenting cliche thought I would never. So my kid loves the park. Duh all kids love the park. Problem with my kid is she NEVER WANTS TO leave and pretty much let's everyone know that she doesnt want to leave. So after a stern negotiation in which she used the "Beggin Hand Gesture", sort of like this, which is ridiculously cute and buys her at least 10 more minutes minimum I finally dragged her out of the park. Again, she's vocal about this, crying and carrying on. So I had enough of the crying and after making it 3 blocks with her crying I couldnt take it anymore and blurted this out:

"You want me to give you something to cry about?"

Wow. Thought I'd never say that shit. That is old school. My mother said it, my father said it. My grandmother said it, my grandfather said it. I heard my cousins parents (aunt & uncles) say it. I've heard my sister say it to her kids (my nieces). I vowed to parent differently. I vowed not to use cliches. All that went out the window the minute I uttered that sentence. I'm a fraud. But you know what? THAT SHIT WORKED.

When I said that to her she whined, "no". And stopped fucking crying. Unreal. Those old fucks know their shit man.

88 degrees

Good weather reminds me of one thing and one thing only. Beer. Nothing better than cracking an ice cold brew on a warm sunny day. Today it's 88 in NYC and that is unusual. I know at some point it will tear down to a cool 60 or something like that. But I don't care. One of these days in April is better than none of these days period. I just want to remove my pants and drink beer without being judged. Pants are so, what's the word.......Unecessary. You know how many times I dream about walking around with no pants on? Heaven has to be like this.

Christ has risen

Happy Easter Weekend my brothers and sisters. Got a suite menu on the food blog for those interested. Also my mother is coming into town. Most importantly it seems as if the Spring weather is upon us and that. That is cool. I love Nerd Jelly Beans. And hollow chocolate bunnies. And Snicker Eggs. And Cadbury Eggs. And Marshmellow Eggs. And Sweettart Gummy Bunnies. And M&M's with the pastel colors even though they are just regular M&M's. I feel bad for lambs. They are little and suite. But when cooked right are delectable. Here comes Peter Cottontail. How come Santa is alot bigger than the Easter Bunny? The weather is better. Jesus birth vs. Jesus Resurrection. Who ya got!

Enjoy.

Red Tab

I wear Levis. They are my choice of denim. Lately I noticed that Levis are making a comeback in the fashion world. I used to be able to pick up a pair at like $40 now places want $158?

No esta english.
One hundred and fifty eight dollars!

Get out. Get the fuck out.

I never understood the balls on people to charge more than $60 for a pair of jeans. And $60, is high ok. I would wrestle an octopuss at a sale rack at the GAP for $20 jeans in my size. I would never pay more than $40, like I said, for any jean. Se7en jeans, which for ladies is different, cost like $180. That could feed 8 kids in Mumbai, India. Anyway I like Levis. They are comfrotable, not white trash, long in the crotch area, seamed perfectly and they used to cost a reasonable dollar amount. Glad I don't need any jeans for awhile.

almonds

Did I post pictures from Jamaica? I went in October, thought I did. Anyway I wanted post soemthing to alleviate the stress the previous post has caused people. This is me and Wolf attempting to crack open an almond. See almonds, unbeknownest to me, have a hard shell fruit over it's exterior shell. Right so it's a shell, fruit, shell, nut. Quite fascinating. The fruit gets destroyed most of the time when these get prcessed but it taste like a sour canape. Which is like a spanish grape. Good times.

things that really twist my sack #63

Shit like this really pisses me off. Why do I have to have a fucking powdered donut hangin from my eyelid? The fuck is it anyway. A stye? Cmon man, doctor at work thought it was pink eye and now this shit. Styes and shit really twist my sack.

The El Pack

I'm working on a cocktail of vitamins that I will market soon. Called the El Pack. This much is true. It will contain:

Vitamin C, 1000 MG (no Rose hips)
L-Lysine, 1000 MG (in two doses of 500MG, Amino Acid)
Vitamin D, 200 MG
Milk Thistle, 100MG (only if you are an occastional drinker like me)
Flax Seed, 100 MG
Vitamin A in the form of Beta Carotene, 50 MG

You take this cocktail daily along with eating a pretty normal diet and you'll live a healthy long life or your money back!

NJ's only redeeming quality

You know, there are fewer things I love in life than sitting at a poker table in Atlantic City, NJ winning cold hard cash. The gambling gods smiled down upon the during this trip. I came home with a clean $900. Most of my winnings came at the Bonus Texas Hold Em table. $10 minimum is not so bad it ends up costing $30 just to see the flop. Extra if you play the bonus which you should because that is where you win the real scratch. I hit pocket rockets once (Aces) which pays 30-1, and I was putting $10 on the bonus each hand. Hit Kings twice, (10-1), A-K suited, (25-1), A-J unsuited (5-1) and alot of low pocket pairs, (3-1). Plus I was betting my hands cleverly and not wasting bets by chasing straights or flushes.

Three card poker was another great success. It's a simple game, around the way it's called "Balls". We would play it all night exchanging money back and forth for hours. Basically, you get three cards and if you beat the dealer you win. However there is a decision to make, you can't just go in with 2, 7, J unless they are suited. That would be a flush and would pay 3-1 plus if you beat the dealer. The dealer qualifies with a Q high which is good. It's low enough to be crap a good amount of time. The basic principle of the game is poker just with 3 cards instead of 5. Bonus payout are the best, straights pay 6-1, straight flushes 50-1, trips, 30-1 and the mini royal (AKQ suited) pays 100-1. At $15 minims that's alot of oreos.

I lost about $300 in 20 minutes in Caesers three card and was tight. I saw my wife walking around and she had just loss about $100 on the slots. So I wanted to leave, I had like $30 on me and she proposed we play roulette. You all know how roulette works so we play and the 2nd spin I hit a number for $2 which = $72. Nice. Then I hit again, and again, and again. All in all I walked away with $250 I was back! I love gambling. That's when I took that $250 and went to the Tropicana and busted that Texas Hold Em game up in it's ass. Good times.

By the way the Borgata, holy shit, is fucking nice. Reminds me of a Vegas style hotel. Flashy, contemporary, shiny and loaded with great places to eat and party. If they comp me, which I expect, I will have to take the lady there just us. It's a sexy place.

Clover used to explain the Holy Trinity

St. Patricks Day. Everyone is Irish today even if your not. My grandmother was part Irish, her last name was Brannigan. Most of my cousins are Irish, my aunts parents were Irish. Corned beef dinner at their house tonight. With some soda bread, cabbage and beer. It's a suite meal.

Somewhere a firefighter or two is drunk right now. I stay away from the bar scene on a day like today because of all the amateurs that crowd them. It's like people forget how to drink on days like today. Not to mention the cult like following of firefighters from a pack of floozy horny messes.

Some Irish beers I've enjoyed in the past and will enjoy in the future are:

Harp Lager
Guinness, which by the way is treated with dried fish air bladders
Smithwicks Irish Red Ale

Operation sculpted abs

I'm gonna get my six-pack back. It's the 2010 Six-Pack challenge. El Pad style. My plan is to be rocking, rock hard abs again. Preferably by the summer. Here's how.

Phase One

Eating better. I've always been a pretty good eater. See my appetite has always been the same. Big. I could throw down some food. My metabolism was super fast though. Over the past couple of years that puppy has slowed a bit. Causing my ginourmous food portions to hang on to my body. So Phase One begins with eating less. If I eat less my metabolism will probably work quicker or at the least have a lighter load to churn through.

Drinking less too. It was farily common for me to throw down some dinner, a snack or two and 4 or 5 beers on a Tuesday night. Can't do that if I want a six pack.

Phase Two

Excercise but old school. Push ups, situps, core ab excercises I can do at home. I'm not going to the gym. Got suckered into that 3 or 4 times and always ended up just donating money. See I don't want to lift weights. I just want definition. Think ninja. Not bodybuilder.

Phase Three

Adopt the lifestyle in Phase One and Two. Moderation.

Catching up

Been busy lately, got promoted and they said they would delegate more work to me. They were not lying.

What the fuck with the 3d shit? Wasn't this like 20 years ago. Why do I have to wear these glasses? If they shoot in 3D the glasses should be extinct. I'm not a nerd. But this has gone too far. I refuse to wear silly looking glasses.

Offal. Look it up.

When I was selling pot way back when my distributor, sort of speak, was a big fat white dude with a great beard. He owned a likka* sto* and reminded me of that likka sto worker character in the movie "Superbad". The one who had to mop up the mess. His name was Carl. Carl, if your still alive. You rocked bro. You rocked.

Asparagus makes everyones pee smell funny except mine. I want my pee to smell funny too.

Anyone have a sibling? Aren't they so fucking annoying.

I should be eating way more ice cream than I do. I mean I never fucking eat it. Why? I don't understand. It's so good.

Does anyone have a problem with guys who growing up had a name like JJ or JP or DJ yet they still answer and respond to that name. Like use your given name man. Your 36 years old now. JP doesnt fly anymore. Unless your name is fucked up like Jumbo or something. Then slap your mom.

Baseball. Real soon.

Things that really twist my sack #45

Toaster Ovens. On the surface toaster ovens seem like a tremendous idea. And they are. But over saturation of the product has turned this little genius ideas into lil hot boxes of hate. I hate them. They suck. They incinerate everything within 10 minutes, there is no in between. The dials are not precise. The crumbs, if not cleared out every day, burn and smell and need to be cleaned. The tray it comes with does the same thing except worse. It stains, burns, needs washing, etc. This fucking toaster oven is like a goddamn baby. I wouldn't be surprised if it asked me for milk one day. Black and Decker is the manufacter but it's not there fault. They make a fine cordless screwdriver so I can't hate on them. And I've had other toaster ovens. They are all the same. The prior one I had I was trying to broil some cheese on a pizza and the glass door exploded. No lie. Shit exploded. Fucking toaster ovens are on the list of things that really twist my sack.

Aquarium pics

Sea life is cool. Agree?

I love football but I love baseball too

Don't know what it is, specifically, that attracts me to baseball but it sucks me everytime. Can't fucking wait for some Met baseball. Good bad or ugly I want it. By the 1:43 mark I had full wood. Let's go Mets!

Recover

Takes a little longer to recover from these weekend getaways. We did a mountain trip this past weekend without the kid and I pretty much shaved 2 years off my life with wreckless behavior. It was a good time. Snow tubing is fun but could be funner (or more fun). I propose a small ramp or a lenghtier drop, sort of like a waterslide ride. I want to shit my pants if possible. Anything less is boring. Grape Vodka isn't so bad. You know what's a great idea? Putting your hand in the oven to eat a cookie that isn't done yet. Awesome. For some reason I am burping up just about everything I consummed this past weekend. It's like my stomach is a NTSB investigator combing through the wreckage like a plane crash. If only I had a black box to capture the last moments:

mmmm Jameson, is she looking? MMMMMM that was good, one more, one more!!!!

::gargling noise:: crash, explosion ::people screaming::

If my liver was a dog he'd be doing that sideways head thing. The confused puppy routine. Then would probably shit on my rug. Did you know that when your drunk catching a dart in your back is not painful?

My head

These are the things I think about....way too often. Help.

When I'm 60 will Step Brothers or Wedding Crashers still make me laugh? I think the answer is yes.

Would you eat shit for 1 million dollars? I think you know my answer.

Why do we have hair on our ass? More specifically why do we have hair near or around our asshole? So inconvienent.

Did you know that womens tits are also uneven like our nuts? Truth. Nothing is symmetrical. Hope this doesn't effect you in any way.

How would I ever know if someone spit on my food? Or dropped my shit before serving it. I'll never know. Makes me angry.

When I was little I don't ever remember being told to drink more water. I wonder why. Like why is it so important now but wasn't then. Are we smarter or dumber?

If this were 1620 what would you be? A blacksmith? A cook? A knight? A pirate? A dressmaker? A farmer? A cavalier?

What's gonna happen when Hugh Hefner dies? Will the Playboy mansion still be open? I'm frightened.

Change the picture

You know what I was thinking about the other day? You know how sometimes your watching the news or reading a article online about a murder or someone went missing, etc. And they show the picture of the victim. And the picture is terrible. And maybe you laugh because the picture is that awfuil. Well. If this were to happen to me I'd be pissed. Even if I was dead. Just pissed off. So I've taken the time to pick out some pictures of myself and set them aside, each labeled so authorities know which one to use in case something newsworthy happens. I hope you do the same cuz I'll laugh at you and your silly picture from 1996 when orange ribboned gentleman hats were in style.

Example. This guy was stabbed and killed Sunday night in Brooklyn. Not a good look here. Quite embarrassing I'd say. I won't end up like this.

Oral Copulation By Force

So it snowed. And I didn't die.

Family spats are so predictable.

Are there any athletes out there that don't beat their wives? Also, are there any celebrities that don't overdose on over the counter medicine?

You ever fart in the shower? It sounds awful right. Like shit came out but obviously didn't. Because it was a fart. I didn't ask if you ever shit in the shower. And shame on you if you did. Slobs.

So you guys have plans for Valentines Day? Suckers. In Saudi Arabia Valentines Day is illegal.

I feel like I'm always hungry. That mean I'm getting fat?

My favorite non-alcoh0lic drink is iced tea.

Watch out. It's gonna snow.

So apparentaly we are getting snow. I know this because the media is acting like we are under attack by gargantuan gargoyles from the 12th Century. I like snow. Digging out can be a pain in the ass, sure. But so is wiping your ass. I like to take shits. Most of the time it feels good. I don't however enjoy wiping my ass. If that makes sense.

SNOW DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to plan a massive snowball fight in Prospect Park. I recall someone doing something similiar a couple of years back and I regret not partaking. In that case they were strangers though. I want to throw snow in the general direction of people I know. Like you dont go paintballing if you don't have a crew so that you can shoot the shit out of each other. That makes alot more sense than the shit/snow comparasion.

Super Bowl Sunday

Super Bowl Sunday is here!!!!

Head over to LOV for my Super Bowl picks including many prop bets. Big weekend. Making a batch of wings of course for the Super Bowl party at my uncles house. He'll be whipping up his usual, a damn good chilli. As usual I'll be bored with the halftime show, the fucking Who. Who cares. Janet Jackson's titty ruined everything. Maybe Kim Khardashian will fall out of her top while rooting for Reggie Bush. Or maybe while singing the national anthem Carrie Underwood has a "waldrobe malfunction". I mean let's be real the only thing missing from Super Bowl Sunday is tits.

Beer, check.

Food, check.

Football, check.

Tits, ????????

The ball is in your court girls. Make it hot.

Stick it where the sun don't shine

Do you hate it too when people talk in cliche's? I fucking hate that. My list of the worse.

Ahcilles heel : Why don't you just say it's my weakness. "Oh chocolate is my achilles heel". Ok fatty.

Action speaks louder than words : Not unless those words are pronounced through a microphone jackass. Also what if the action was silent action. Like if I had a gun and I used a silencer to shoot you wouldn't that be quieter than me saying I'm going to shoot you? Plus you'd still be alive so that's good.

Grass is always greener : The fuck. Fuck grass. We don't even have grass in Brooklyn.

Grin and bear it : Deal with it. Much better. Swallow your pride. Also better.

Bear down : What's with all these bears and what's wrong with simply saying focus. Really? We need a cliche for one word verbs?

Pass the buck : I know what it means but why would someone pass along money? They should change it to pass the beef, at least beef can mean a problem.

Make heads or tails of it : Just stop it and say you don't know. Dickhead.

Sick as a dog : Is there a scientific fact that says dogs get sick? I had a dog and I don't recall him ever being sick. Like with a cold.