Ladies and gentleman, welcome to Elevator Edict 101. I am your instructor, El Padrino.
Any questions will be answered after the lesson, for now, just listen and dictate notes.
A quiz will be given at the end of the period.
1. Don't talk to me on the elevator if your a stranger.
I don't know you, I don't want to know you, I have alot of other friends and co-workers to talk too. I don't need anymore. Especially since most of the conversations are hollow. The weather sucks, get used to it we live in NY. My weekend was fine, blah, blah, blah. I don't have kids, leave me alone.
2. When talking to a co-worker you do know, control yourself.
If you absolutely must talk in the elevator, if you can't wait for those 6 seconds it takes to get to the bottom of the building, make sure you realize that people in the elevator with you....can hear you! Whispering don't work because we are all standing together in a steel box that is 8x6. So we are all within an arm's distance you fool! And we don't care to know about anything that is going on in your life, especially you, crazy rich lady who talks about her life to anyone that listens. WE DON'T CARE ABOUT LITTLE EVAN AND HOW GOOD HE IS AT SOCCER.
3. Do not gas the box
Meaning, do not turn the elevator into a gas chamber. Control yourself until you get down to the lobby for christs sake. No one wants to smell what you ate for lunch that day you slob. There is nowhere for that smell to go. It lingers.
4. Do not take a call on your cellphone.
Ignore it until the bottom. Again, people don't really care to know your business. Your life cannot be that fucking exciting that you have to take a call on the elevator and yammer all the way down. Press the ignore button and call that sumbitch back. Don't make me eye stab you.
5. Don't "double down the button"
Ever get that fool that waltzes on the elevator and presses the "L" (Lobby) button even though it's clearly illuminated already? Moron. Hey fuckpie, the reason for the little light on the button is to "advise" that the button has already been pressed and, get this, will be stopping at said floor!! Yea, it's a cool invention right? Wow....
6. Pump DOWN the volume
If you own a IPOD or a personal music device that you listen to learn how to control the volume.
See because when I step onto an elevator, I lower the volume so other people don't hear what I'm listening to. It's called, manners. I don't want to hear what your taste in music is, especially if it's annoying. That's not how I want to start my morning or start my train ride home.
7. Cover your mouth
It's ashamed I have to mention this but apparently some people think it's ok to cough and sneeze on my back. COVER YOUR MOUTH! I mean people, it's just common sense. We are in a small confined space with millions of germs to begin with. No need to spread your animal germs too. Because if I catch some weird fucking cold, I'm coming to your desk and dropping a deuce on it. Or I'm punching you in the privates. Try me.
I think that about covers it. Any questions?
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28 comments:
One more...if you're "a great big fat person", don't try to squeeze your way onto an already crowded elevator. Sit this one out and wait for the next.
EP: There has got to be a way to leave your post open and the comment box as well so I can respond to each one. hotchickswithdouchbags site does it - if you find out how to do it, teach me. And off we go.
I believe you have mentioned in dribs and drabs your elevator hate, which was done eloquently I may add. Keep in mind Aunt Flo's in town - I will kill someone.
1. Yes I agree. Shut the fuck up.
2. Wait 'til it gets to lobby you stupid fuck.
3. If you fart I will make you ride the elevator again, alone.
4. Yes I agree.
5. Stupid stupid asshole, die.
6. I will take your plugs outta your ears.
7. I will lecture you. I do do this, btw.
A book might be asking a lot.
Perhaps an informative pamphlet for you to pass out in the lobby would suffice.
TP, excellent point. The person doesnt have to be fat. Regular pshycho's do this all the time. Um, sure squeeze in buddy. Don't worry bout the guy squished between a 4ft chinese woman and a 250lb black man. Join the party. There is only 9 other elevators.
HATE.
FM- I will research, solid hate by you today as well, embrace aunt flo
zeke- oh i will brother
you can bet 1 million dollars zeke that someone on your trip will sneeze or cough all over your face
i suggest you punch them in the privates immediately
i've been riding the "fuckpie" word for a minute now.
oh no rev, part of this is going in my book...beleed dat!
el pad...
I farted in a crowded elevator this morning and I had hard-boiled eggs for breakfast. I put my head down and laughed all the way up. LOL...
Whaddaya think?
-concerned elevator rule violator.
fairmaden, click the link at the top of the page that says "show original post".
another rule, when you come into a crowded elevator, do not fucking face me, either wait for the next one or waddle your ass 180 degrees, i do not want to see your fug mug for any number of seconds.
yes spiff, yes
- Anonoymous, stay anonoymous.
You are a sinner.
good one spiff, face to face is a little wierd.....
Another problem (same family as the as non-mouth cover). The guy with ass breath that just ate a crap sandwich. Close your trap when in the box, there's no escape...it's worse than the guy dropping hard-boiled egg bombs
I've actually twice gone out on dates with guys I've met on elevators and didn't know before - does that somehow rate as an exception to rule #1?
(And I'll bet thejaywhite has a story about banging a girl in an elevator that he'd never met before.)
beth, that's an exception
pro-creating is a part of life
i cant fight it.
i am Father Hate, and i approve this message.
TP: Good looking out.
Anon dude: I will so find you.
thanks father
anon is a dirtbag and i have an idea as to who it is....he will be punished if i find out it is indeed him.....
What about the parent who lets their annoying child push the buttons in the elevator, only to have them push the wrong button, thus causing the elevator to stop on a floor no one needed it to stop on?
stiggy- noted
don't push the button and not wait for the elevator. i hate when the door opens and there's no one there. part 2 to this rule, if the door opens and no one is there don't walk half-way down the hall trying to see if someone is waiting. if you're not waiting right at the door your ass is getting left behind.
yes brian yes.
ghost-riders are not permitted
Heres something that drives me absolutely insane, its specific to my building though. There are 2 banks of elevators, 3 for floors 1-6, and 5 for floors 7 through 20 (I work on the 17th floor). But for some reason you can access the 6th floor from our elevators and those dickheads figured it out. So you're telling me that you have 3 elavtors for 6 floors we have 5 for 14 floors and you're going to ride my elevator instead of walking ten feet to your elevator. It's only an extra 10-15 seconds of waiting buts its still infuriating, its the principle of the matter.
crass, glad u agree
big e- common courtesy
I want to print this out and stick it in every elevator in my building.
Awesome post. Why are people so retarded?
good idea steph
El Padrino - you are a genius! This should be posted in every elevator ... with FUCKPIE highlighted.
feel free to post it in yours los!
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