Top ten reasons I hate working in an office.
10. Art. Puhleeze. The shit they hang on the wall is downright wrong. Just wrong. I'm no Art-ie but for fuck's sake there were no pictures of the Brooklyn Bridge or how bout just some clouds and shit. Sceanary maannn.
9. "Building Secruity" I laugh at you, I pity you. OHHHHH, you got me! I forgot my badge at home, oh no!!! I'M SOOOOO SCARRRED.
8. To the receptionist that thinks she is the Queen of England. Sending out all this ridiculous "Urgent" emails. Bitch please. Your nothing. Order me some toner and move along.
7. The herd of people that gravitate towards any and all kinds of food. I refuse to be that person. I feel like I'm on a soup line or like I'm a pig waiting for the feed to be poured. It's usually shitty food too so I don't even get it. If it was bacon wrapped scallops ok but crushing another human for a gross tuna wrap is not my bag.
6. "Good morning", i'm not a morning person. I say maybe three words to my wife in the morning so sorry Timmy at extension 3659 if I don't say good morning to you. Eat an ass.
5. "It's Friday!" or "Hump day".... you know what. I'm 27 years old. I know what day it is. Thanks. And I also know that right after Friday, is Saturday. And after June is July. Get the picture buttknuckle?
4. The whole elevator scene freaks me out. And I've posted about this before.
"Hi, how are you" blah, blah "it's sunny outside" blah blah. Now the new thing is the Blackberry's. People get in the elevator and jog thru thier blackberry AS IF THEY DIDN'T JUST LEAVE THIER DESK!!!! Then of course there are the smokers who stink like an ashtray and the other smokers who smoke people with thier foul smelling asses. It's just an abortion. I'd rather take stairs.
3. Offensive clothing and I mean like the fat lady who dons spaghetti string tank tops offensive. And to the dude that wears light blue pants. Fucking homo, keep that lifestyle to yourself. And how about the sister patterson type with the fucking Easter hat on? Who knew you can wear hats to work? I also could do wiothout Guido chest hair in my face look, with the top 4 buttons not closed. Little much. Nice cross though, where'd you get it? The Gambino garage sale?
2. Bathroom/Kitchen situations. This is two-fold so follow me here.
Bathroom : I am not a urinal talker so please let me pee in silence. People that don't wash thier hands, you are the germs of the world. And to whoever shits on the toilet bowl I'm pretty sure if God knew you were going to do that he would have never put you on earth.
Kitchen/Pantry : Please stop putting your water bottle on the water dispenser's nipple. That's nasty. Please stop telling me my re-heated pasta smells good. And don't look at it. Please don't re-heat fish, it smells. Enough with the Cod fish lunchtimes. Clean up after yourselves. Dirty tupperware on the counter and blown up bits of alphabet soup in the microwave is gross. Slobs.
1. People. People I would never deal with unless I worked with them. That's the number one thing I hate about working in the office. The gollum, a garlic eating Polish menace. The fat ogre who oohh's and aaahhh's at the site of food. The gay manager that wears a backpack? The tiny chinese woman who smells like a sweaty taint. My boss, an overly agressive maniacal psycho.
The tall white man who screams instead of talks. The other tall whiteguy who stomps instead of walks. Basically I feel like they are all aliens and I'm the only semi-human. I could post for days on all these "people".
There you have it. My life from 9-5.
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21 comments:
god, do we work in the same office.
the fish cooking KILLS me. and everytime they do it, they say "oh does it smell, i'm sorry"
HOW COULD YOU FORGET THAT SMELL??? when i throw up i'm aiming for your plate.
fish heated up in a microwave has to be what Persia's wet spot smells like.
"It's just an abortion."
I prefer "botched abortion"
#6
I want to hurt overly happy people in the morning. Or any time of day for that matter.
burnt popcorn is another annoyance.....seriously how come you can't cook fucking popcorn, and maybe you learn that yesterday it burnt so today I cook it for a shorter period of time?
burnt popcorn is a good one
"fish heated up in a microwave has to be what Persia's wet spot smells like."
I just threw up in my mouth a little bit
deke, noted.
also:
The chick who thinks I am here to answer her questions. Yeah I answered them once because your boss wasn't here. But she's here today, so go ask her. I don't care if I am nicer. Leave me alone, figure it out yourself. Your questions just keep getting dumber and dumber.
Also the fat ooher and ahher is also a loud mouth breather. I hate that.
The chick that thinks I care about her 2 ex husbands. I barely care about you, I certainly don't care about 2 people I never met.
tem good points all the way around
nice list.... buttknuckle... nice
the fish thing is terrible
don't forget burnt coffee... dirtbags... i feel your pain, ep
Damn, I've only been working in an office 4 days now and I can relate to many of these. Not a good sign...
yea, get used to it
Kind of like #8: Every email I get at work is marked "urgent". I have to read all of them and then determine what's actually urgent or not. There's one lady that marks 100% of her emails urgent and I would say a good 1 out of every 100 actually needs urgent attention. I hate her.
I work with a lot of women and they are super loud. They yell all the time. And we have a handsfree phone system, so people yell into it instead of picking up the phone and talking in a normal voice. This happens everyday too, people in offices that are right next to each other yell into the phone when they could either pick it up or walk ten feet and have a normal conversation instead of annoying everyone. Retarded.
Also, the "can you scan this in for me?" people. I always have the entry-level guy do it, but c'mon, buy a freakin' scanner and do that ish at home. And it's always pictures of their kids that they need scanned, which leads to a boring conversation about their kids and whatever they're doing in the picture. Please die.
I really think we need to find you a nice secluded island, and leave you there all alone.
Somehow, I think you'd STILL find something to bitch about.
steph people suck, plain and simple
tyler, the hands free speaker thing
good point, people do that too, as if i wanna hear their conf call
fuckers
Genius, dawg. I dislike people as well. The "sweaty taint" blast was of the chain, holmes. And finally, I get an explanation of this
"gollum" character. That was one of your best posts ever, g.
I hope its not to late to add these people to the list:
1) (Piggy backing tyler's hands free people) People who dial your extension using speaker phone then pick up when you answer. The picking up noise is loud as fuck and blasts your ear drumbs. Fuck you.
2) People who hug and caress the printer/copy machine while waiting for their copy. Look I know you're on a strick fast-food only diet and are pushing 3 bills. Its not my fault you don't have the strength nor energy to stand in front of the machine without having to put a hand or both arms on it. And don't cough or sneeze into your hands while waiting then touch the machine. Nasty douchebag.
zeke, added!
and crass thanks
I swear you work at my old office. With the exception for the co-worker who overshares EVERYTHING including medical problems and bodily fuctions.
...The asshole that leaves a cornucopia of turdz inda crapper fer yer viewing pleasure..
...Dickwads that are late..
...The fuck-off who takes a trip toda head 5 minutes b4 "break-time" so he can milk the company for even MORE spot-time...
....The gross fat-chick that thinks she's "all that"...
I got plenny 2 El-P...I unnerrstang yer pain..
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