Capping off the great week with the influenza. I find out Monday if it's HiN1. Can't remember ever feeling this sick. Fever just wont quit, consistently in the 102-104 range. Woe is me.
Anyway Happy Thanksgiving to all.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
RIP Grandma
My grandmother went peacefully yesterday afternoon. After a year long struggle since she suffered a stroke on Nov 24 she fought and fought like the tough Irish woman she was. She couldn't fight no more and succumbed to her failing health days ago and didn't waste anytime in taking her last breath. She let us all say goodbye at some point and held on to her favorite's son hand and passed quietly.
Death is not always beautiful but in this case it seems as if it was. She is survived by one daughter, one son, 10 wonderful grandchildren, and 4 great grandchildren. She was a huge influence on all of us, as grandmothers usually are. Religion may be crap but I imagine her right now being reunited with my father, his brother and her rock of a husband. I imagine they are whopping it up, and I bet Grandma has a pot of sauce on.
I already miss you and Grandma we all love you and thank you for sticking around for 73 years.
Death is not always beautiful but in this case it seems as if it was. She is survived by one daughter, one son, 10 wonderful grandchildren, and 4 great grandchildren. She was a huge influence on all of us, as grandmothers usually are. Religion may be crap but I imagine her right now being reunited with my father, his brother and her rock of a husband. I imagine they are whopping it up, and I bet Grandma has a pot of sauce on.
I already miss you and Grandma we all love you and thank you for sticking around for 73 years.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Motorboatin' Son Of A Bitch
So you think you like big tits huh? Well get a load of that!
Great tits man, great. I'd motorboat those things with the quickness!
Do they sell bras that big? Or does she just tie them up with a queen size blanket?
Good lawd talk about top heavy, bitch can't bend over without doing a full front flip.
Great tits man, great. I'd motorboat those things with the quickness!
Do they sell bras that big? Or does she just tie them up with a queen size blanket?
Good lawd talk about top heavy, bitch can't bend over without doing a full front flip.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Oral Copulation By Force
Why are they showing this woman on TV? The one that got attacked by the chimp awhile back? Is there any humility? Will these network executives parade their mother on TV if she was mutilated by a chimp? Fucking Oprah is a giant heifer and whore. GMA would show seals being clubbed if that's what drived ratings. Makes me sick. And I don't get sick often.
The American President should bow down to no one. That was disgraceful.
Climate change is the biggest farce in the history of farces and Al Gore has made more money talking about it than anyone. He's a whore. And fat. Actually he is just like Oprah but instead of a black woman he is a white woman.
I have to admit I am a sucker for everything Christmas.
Does spilling shit piss you off? Pisses me off, I hate it when I spill something, even a drip.
Five Guys burger joint opening up near my job. I've heard great things. I'm stoked.
P.S. Jersey City is a shithole.
Also I had Taco Bell for the first time in like 2-3 years and it was great. Next up, White Castle. Haven't had that in probably 4 or 5 years.
The American President should bow down to no one. That was disgraceful.
Climate change is the biggest farce in the history of farces and Al Gore has made more money talking about it than anyone. He's a whore. And fat. Actually he is just like Oprah but instead of a black woman he is a white woman.
I have to admit I am a sucker for everything Christmas.
Does spilling shit piss you off? Pisses me off, I hate it when I spill something, even a drip.
Five Guys burger joint opening up near my job. I've heard great things. I'm stoked.
P.S. Jersey City is a shithole.
Also I had Taco Bell for the first time in like 2-3 years and it was great. Next up, White Castle. Haven't had that in probably 4 or 5 years.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Bearded Men Are Brave and Strong
I'm growing a suite beard. But it's more of a social experiment. You know when someone dressed up as a fat person to see how they would be treated in the streets? Well it's sort of like that. You see every morning I take the Path train to Jersey City for work and there are Port Authority cops doing bag checks, random bag checks as you get off the escalator. Now prior to the beard I'd never, ever, ever been called over to have my bag checked. Since my beard, which mind you is only 5 days young, I have had my bag searched 4 times!!! 4 times. My beard is not even terrorist looking! I am outraged!! I'm calling Bill O'Reilly!! Get me Sean Hannity!! Glenn Beck needs to hear this!!!!!
No but serious, beards are awesome. Not sure why my wife doesn't like them. Something about being hairy or something, looks gross or whatever. Silly.
No but serious, beards are awesome. Not sure why my wife doesn't like them. Something about being hairy or something, looks gross or whatever. Silly.
Monday, November 09, 2009
Smile, you are on Subway candid camera!
Wide load including a legendary wedgie.
God forgive me but some of these people are the ugliest in the world.
God forgive me but some of these people are the ugliest in the world.
Friday, November 06, 2009
Fuck the Yankees
In honor of the Yankees winning their 27th Championship I have written a poem. And it's doesn't ryhme.
Fuck the Yankees and their fans
Fuck them hard and as fast as you can
Fuck your glory and your dumb fucking stadium
Fuck yourself you have a brain made of shit
Fuck your father for making you yankee fans
Fuck your mother for birthing such monsters
Fuck your sense of entitlement for titles that were 100 years ago
Fuck your pinstripes and your fitted blues
Fuck your mystique and fuck your aura
Fuck your payroll and fuck the Steinbrennars
Fuck Waldman, Kay, Francesa and Sterling
Fuck the fans that send me text messages
Fuck the Yankees and their fans
The End.
Fuck the Yankees and their fans
Fuck them hard and as fast as you can
Fuck your glory and your dumb fucking stadium
Fuck yourself you have a brain made of shit
Fuck your father for making you yankee fans
Fuck your mother for birthing such monsters
Fuck your sense of entitlement for titles that were 100 years ago
Fuck your pinstripes and your fitted blues
Fuck your mystique and fuck your aura
Fuck your payroll and fuck the Steinbrennars
Fuck Waldman, Kay, Francesa and Sterling
Fuck the fans that send me text messages
Fuck the Yankees and their fans
The End.
Monday, November 02, 2009
Cereal Aisle
You guys remember the cereal aisle when yous were kids. Mom and Dad would pick you up from school and yous would head down to the supermarket and once you turned into the cereal aisle pandemonium erupted? Those were the days. When you didn't have a care in the world other than Can I get me some Crunch Berries please. So to feel nostalgic I picked up some Franken Berry's and Boo Berry's (not pictured). It's funny how certain things can bring your childhood back. Cereals do that to me.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Man it feels good to be back.
HAAAAAAAAAAAHAHHAHAHHAHHAAAAAAA.
What's funny is I could stay in a place like that for a month. Just stupid. That's how I described the beach, just stupid. We took a sailboat out about 2 miles off the coast and I jumped into the Carribean Sea with some goggles. I wouldn't call it snorkeling, or even smart but I did it and it was exhilarating. I saw starfish the size of hubcaps. I saw squid, big squid, I saw big sea cucumbers, beautiful coral, fish of many kinds and those sea urchin things. When I snorkeled in Turks and Caicos it was somewhat controlled and while I saw some awesome aquatic wildlife there I think my latest experience is going to lead me to learn how to Scuba. Coming up for air is such a pain in the ass. I want to become one with the sea. I've decided to take some classes the next time I plan a vacation so that when I get there I'll have couple of dry runs under my belt. Really take this snorkeling shit to the next level. Cuz that's what I'm all about lately.
Taking shit to the next level. You have been warned.
HAAAAAAAAAAAHAHHAHAHHAHHAAAAAAA.
What's funny is I could stay in a place like that for a month. Just stupid. That's how I described the beach, just stupid. We took a sailboat out about 2 miles off the coast and I jumped into the Carribean Sea with some goggles. I wouldn't call it snorkeling, or even smart but I did it and it was exhilarating. I saw starfish the size of hubcaps. I saw squid, big squid, I saw big sea cucumbers, beautiful coral, fish of many kinds and those sea urchin things. When I snorkeled in Turks and Caicos it was somewhat controlled and while I saw some awesome aquatic wildlife there I think my latest experience is going to lead me to learn how to Scuba. Coming up for air is such a pain in the ass. I want to become one with the sea. I've decided to take some classes the next time I plan a vacation so that when I get there I'll have couple of dry runs under my belt. Really take this snorkeling shit to the next level. Cuz that's what I'm all about lately.
Taking shit to the next level. You have been warned.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
More Pics
She loved all the characters, especially Bert.
Main pool, extended all the way put past that bridge.
Took that sail boat out twice, snorkeled off it once.
Yeah Mon!
Friggin gooks are even in Jamaica!
Main pool, extended all the way put past that bridge.
Took that sail boat out twice, snorkeled off it once.
Yeah Mon!
Friggin gooks are even in Jamaica!
Guess who's back.
Walking sister down the aisle.
Me, wife, kid.
View from our room.
More pics to follow.
Me, wife, kid.
View from our room.
More pics to follow.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Oral Copulation By Force (Vaca Edition)
As I set to embark on a week long trip to the beautiful island of Jamaica I have a couple of lingering thoughts swirling around my head. And lucky for you I will share them with you.
First things first, if I come back and the Phillies are in the world series, shit is getting broked up.
I have to cut my nails before I go.
Shaved chest or leave it alone? I think it growing back faster and thicker is a lie. Since I'm not hairy I just buzz it, but I do shave my balls.
Damn near November, gonna get sunburnt fo sho'. Just out of sheer drunkedness stupidity. And I tan well but 12 hours in the sunm drinking, carrying on, I'm sure something will get burnt up.
Bringing a two year old on the plane. I am now THAT guy. Fuck.
I have Bob Marley's entire catalogue on my Ipod. The only thing that's missing is some dreadlocks.
Powder is key to avoiding a bathing suit rash.
Rum. Is. Delicious.
An Arab on a plane going to Jamaica would be weird right?
If my luggage is over 50LBS and they ask me to pay some sort of fee I will be on the news.
Pics to follow, piece out neighbors.
First things first, if I come back and the Phillies are in the world series, shit is getting broked up.
I have to cut my nails before I go.
Shaved chest or leave it alone? I think it growing back faster and thicker is a lie. Since I'm not hairy I just buzz it, but I do shave my balls.
Damn near November, gonna get sunburnt fo sho'. Just out of sheer drunkedness stupidity. And I tan well but 12 hours in the sunm drinking, carrying on, I'm sure something will get burnt up.
Bringing a two year old on the plane. I am now THAT guy. Fuck.
I have Bob Marley's entire catalogue on my Ipod. The only thing that's missing is some dreadlocks.
Powder is key to avoiding a bathing suit rash.
Rum. Is. Delicious.
An Arab on a plane going to Jamaica would be weird right?
If my luggage is over 50LBS and they ask me to pay some sort of fee I will be on the news.
Pics to follow, piece out neighbors.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Fat Girls Need Love Too
I should make fat barbie dolls. And market them. That might make money, because not every broad is growned up to look like a barbie doll. Skinny, size 2 waist, giant 36 boobs, long flowing blond locks, long legs, perfect lil ass. Not all woman look like that. My Barbie would be like 175-200, dark hair, mushy tits that hang a bit low and a flat ass. Not exactly my taste but certainly some other guy's taste. I mean this people are having sex with someone right. The way I see it it will give these girls some confidence. Your not going to look like Barbie so suck it up and either do something about it or be comfortable in your own body. And play with my dolls. I will call them Lardie. Lardie dolls! If I can crank some out for the holiday I can retire by January. Genius!
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Oral Copulation by Force
Finally read exactly what took place in Jack Nicholsan's house on March 10th 1977. God damn Roman Polanski, you are a piece of shit. (Roman Polanski wiki)
I do, however, like seeing/saying/doing "Oral Copulation by Force" and will replace Mango Salsa with that for the time being.
Time to overload on everything pumpkin and apples.
I'm not a soup fan but when I do hanker for a soup Au Bon Pain, despite it's french name, makes some of the tastiest soup in the world. I could bathe in the Broccli Cheddar one.
Speaking of bathing, who knew soap was such a dirty little whore.
Can you get an STD from perusing Facebook?
I don't eat enough Ice Cream. Which I guess is a good thing if I want to remain somewhat skinny. But still, that shit is delicious.
I do, however, like seeing/saying/doing "Oral Copulation by Force" and will replace Mango Salsa with that for the time being.
Time to overload on everything pumpkin and apples.
I'm not a soup fan but when I do hanker for a soup Au Bon Pain, despite it's french name, makes some of the tastiest soup in the world. I could bathe in the Broccli Cheddar one.
Speaking of bathing, who knew soap was such a dirty little whore.
Can you get an STD from perusing Facebook?
I don't eat enough Ice Cream. Which I guess is a good thing if I want to remain somewhat skinny. But still, that shit is delicious.
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
El Fashion
I'm amazed at what some people wear outside of thier house. I guess that's why immigrants can afford all the houses. They wear ridiculous looking clothes. Even some people I work with, they look absurd. I'm not a fashionista myself but I'll be damned if I get caught wearing a godamn purple shirt with orange stripes or a pair of lite cords with some black johnny cash shirt.
For me it's simple. Any variation of blue and white including solid blue and solid white. Gray, black, khaki pants work. The dude that sits across from me right now is wearing a black striped shirt, the colors of the stripes are purple, green, tan and white. He's wearing that with black slacks and brown shoes. Not only does none of that match but the black shirt looks like it's been washed about 765 times. Which means it was bought approximately 17 years ago. Jesus christ buddy I know you have 4 kids but damn. Costco sells shirts now. Look into that.
On the weekend I could give a fuck what anyone wears. It's the weekend. Do you. Me, I like solid colored t-shirts and polos. I wear shorts up until November so after November jeans it is. And not nut-hugging jeans. They need to be a bit baggy and long on the crotch. Just for comfort, not saying I'm Ron Jeremy but I need to be able to move freely in them otherwise I won't wear them. In the dead of winter I will turn to sweatpants as my leisurewear.
For me it's simple. Any variation of blue and white including solid blue and solid white. Gray, black, khaki pants work. The dude that sits across from me right now is wearing a black striped shirt, the colors of the stripes are purple, green, tan and white. He's wearing that with black slacks and brown shoes. Not only does none of that match but the black shirt looks like it's been washed about 765 times. Which means it was bought approximately 17 years ago. Jesus christ buddy I know you have 4 kids but damn. Costco sells shirts now. Look into that.
On the weekend I could give a fuck what anyone wears. It's the weekend. Do you. Me, I like solid colored t-shirts and polos. I wear shorts up until November so after November jeans it is. And not nut-hugging jeans. They need to be a bit baggy and long on the crotch. Just for comfort, not saying I'm Ron Jeremy but I need to be able to move freely in them otherwise I won't wear them. In the dead of winter I will turn to sweatpants as my leisurewear.
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Name your dirty parts
I want to know if woman have a nickname for their genitilia.
Like sometimes I refer to my package as Bee, Bop and Rock Steady. Other times I simply call them the Holy Trinity. For my single most important member I have various names for him, like Woodrow, Swingline, He-Man, Awesome DeSauseege, The Professional, Dr. Doom, Fat Bastard, Senator Wang, King Dong Can, Juicy Fruit, Power-I and Richard Schwinghammer.
Ladies do tell, do you call your vagina Mary Poppins? Or refer to your tits as Thelma and Louise?
Do you have like a name that really isn't a name but more like a place? Like do you refer to your area as the Field of Dreams? Or Honey Town, USA?
I need to know
Like sometimes I refer to my package as Bee, Bop and Rock Steady. Other times I simply call them the Holy Trinity. For my single most important member I have various names for him, like Woodrow, Swingline, He-Man, Awesome DeSauseege, The Professional, Dr. Doom, Fat Bastard, Senator Wang, King Dong Can, Juicy Fruit, Power-I and Richard Schwinghammer.
Ladies do tell, do you call your vagina Mary Poppins? Or refer to your tits as Thelma and Louise?
Do you have like a name that really isn't a name but more like a place? Like do you refer to your area as the Field of Dreams? Or Honey Town, USA?
I need to know
Monday, September 28, 2009
Happiness is Jamaica
22 days until Jamaica
I have to find some linen pants. Why I don't know. It's what my sister wants and it's her wedding thing so I guess for a change I'll listen. Funny thing is I'm doing what woman do. I'm rocking them with a tag and removing them right after because when I get home they will be returned. I don't wear linen pants for the same reason that I don't go flower picking. Read into that as you may but the bottom line is linen pants are the gay.
My honeymoon was in Jamaica so this is going to be a return trip for me. I love it. Love the people, they are all lil bubbles of sunshine. Love the accent, love the music and love the food. Can't wait to get on that beach and pee in the crystal clear Caribean ocean. Fucking Beef Patty diet, Red Stripe beers, various other mixed drinks, jerk chicken wings, coco bread, wonderful fresh fruits, strong mountain coffee, maybe some fresh herbs if you knowwhatimsayin.
Red Stripe! Hooray Beer!
I have to find some linen pants. Why I don't know. It's what my sister wants and it's her wedding thing so I guess for a change I'll listen. Funny thing is I'm doing what woman do. I'm rocking them with a tag and removing them right after because when I get home they will be returned. I don't wear linen pants for the same reason that I don't go flower picking. Read into that as you may but the bottom line is linen pants are the gay.
My honeymoon was in Jamaica so this is going to be a return trip for me. I love it. Love the people, they are all lil bubbles of sunshine. Love the accent, love the music and love the food. Can't wait to get on that beach and pee in the crystal clear Caribean ocean. Fucking Beef Patty diet, Red Stripe beers, various other mixed drinks, jerk chicken wings, coco bread, wonderful fresh fruits, strong mountain coffee, maybe some fresh herbs if you knowwhatimsayin.
Red Stripe! Hooray Beer!
Thursday, September 24, 2009
And now, a Poem
A Poem for my love, Mallomars:
Oh Mallomars how I love thee
draped in chocolate, times three
pillowy soft marshmellow on a bed of sunny golden graham
so decadent, so sweet, it's like you really give a damn
if you posessed a vagina i'd marry you tomorrow
your quiet and lovable and never ask to borrow
a bright yellow box to whisk me away
I could love you to eternity, an eternity and a day
as i wash you down with ice cold milk
i can help but marvel, over your chocolate silk
i wish you were available all year round
but i understand why, you are so profound
Oh Mallomars how I love thee
if only i can plant you and grow a mallomar tree
The End.
Oh Mallomars how I love thee
draped in chocolate, times three
pillowy soft marshmellow on a bed of sunny golden graham
so decadent, so sweet, it's like you really give a damn
if you posessed a vagina i'd marry you tomorrow
your quiet and lovable and never ask to borrow
a bright yellow box to whisk me away
I could love you to eternity, an eternity and a day
as i wash you down with ice cold milk
i can help but marvel, over your chocolate silk
i wish you were available all year round
but i understand why, you are so profound
Oh Mallomars how I love thee
if only i can plant you and grow a mallomar tree
The End.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Random Shit aka Mango Salsa
I'm so glad football is back in my life. My wife seriously hates football. I don't know what her deal is.
If you guys haven't seen Step Brothers yet please do so. I quote that movie daily. Other movies I quote daily (and when I say daily I mean everyday) include:
Bad Boys, No Country For Old Men, Dodgeball, Wedding Crashers, Trading Places, Scarface, Casino, My Cousin Vinny, Bronx Tale, Goodfellas, Anchorman, Along Came Polly, Kindegarten Cop, Terminator 2, White Man Can't Jump and A Few Good Men.
I've mentioned this before but whenever the elevator door shuts in someone's face my soul warms up like an easy bake oven.
Remember Lite Brites? I gotta get one of those. I want my daughter to play with all the toys I played with. So I need to start buying some Matchbox cars, Hot Wheels, a Lite Brite, Operation game, shitload of Leggo's, Play Doh, Garbage Pail Kids cards, Nerf guns, Kooshes, a Jibba Jabba and WWF Wrestling Ring complete with a steel cage and several figurines. Also gonna have to pick up a three wheeler. Preferably the Knight Rider one.
Any tips on how to have a son? I heard reverse cowgirl is the way to go. Please advise.
(Nothing against daughters, it's just I want to breed a NFL QB)
If you guys haven't seen Step Brothers yet please do so. I quote that movie daily. Other movies I quote daily (and when I say daily I mean everyday) include:
Bad Boys, No Country For Old Men, Dodgeball, Wedding Crashers, Trading Places, Scarface, Casino, My Cousin Vinny, Bronx Tale, Goodfellas, Anchorman, Along Came Polly, Kindegarten Cop, Terminator 2, White Man Can't Jump and A Few Good Men.
I've mentioned this before but whenever the elevator door shuts in someone's face my soul warms up like an easy bake oven.
Remember Lite Brites? I gotta get one of those. I want my daughter to play with all the toys I played with. So I need to start buying some Matchbox cars, Hot Wheels, a Lite Brite, Operation game, shitload of Leggo's, Play Doh, Garbage Pail Kids cards, Nerf guns, Kooshes, a Jibba Jabba and WWF Wrestling Ring complete with a steel cage and several figurines. Also gonna have to pick up a three wheeler. Preferably the Knight Rider one.
Any tips on how to have a son? I heard reverse cowgirl is the way to go. Please advise.
(Nothing against daughters, it's just I want to breed a NFL QB)
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