Fuck the Yankees

In honor of the Yankees winning their 27th Championship I have written a poem. And it's doesn't ryhme.

Fuck the Yankees and their fans
Fuck them hard and as fast as you can
Fuck your glory and your dumb fucking stadium
Fuck yourself you have a brain made of shit
Fuck your father for making you yankee fans
Fuck your mother for birthing such monsters
Fuck your sense of entitlement for titles that were 100 years ago
Fuck your pinstripes and your fitted blues
Fuck your mystique and fuck your aura
Fuck your payroll and fuck the Steinbrennars
Fuck Waldman, Kay, Francesa and Sterling
Fuck the fans that send me text messages
Fuck the Yankees and their fans

The End.

Cereal Aisle

You guys remember the cereal aisle when yous were kids. Mom and Dad would pick you up from school and yous would head down to the supermarket and once you turned into the cereal aisle pandemonium erupted? Those were the days. When you didn't have a care in the world other than Can I get me some Crunch Berries please. So to feel nostalgic I picked up some Franken Berry's and Boo Berry's (not pictured). It's funny how certain things can bring your childhood back. Cereals do that to me.

Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus

Man it feels good to be back.



HAAAAAAAAAAAHAHHAHAHHAHHAAAAAAA.

What's funny is I could stay in a place like that for a month. Just stupid. That's how I described the beach, just stupid. We took a sailboat out about 2 miles off the coast and I jumped into the Carribean Sea with some goggles. I wouldn't call it snorkeling, or even smart but I did it and it was exhilarating. I saw starfish the size of hubcaps. I saw squid, big squid, I saw big sea cucumbers, beautiful coral, fish of many kinds and those sea urchin things. When I snorkeled in Turks and Caicos it was somewhat controlled and while I saw some awesome aquatic wildlife there I think my latest experience is going to lead me to learn how to Scuba. Coming up for air is such a pain in the ass. I want to become one with the sea. I've decided to take some classes the next time I plan a vacation so that when I get there I'll have couple of dry runs under my belt. Really take this snorkeling shit to the next level. Cuz that's what I'm all about lately.

Taking shit to the next level. You have been warned.

More Pics

She loved all the characters, especially Bert.
Main pool, extended all the way put past that bridge.
Took that sail boat out twice, snorkeled off it once.
Yeah Mon!
Friggin gooks are even in Jamaica!

Guess who's back.

Walking sister down the aisle.
Me, wife, kid.
View from our room.

More pics to follow.

Oral Copulation By Force (Vaca Edition)

As I set to embark on a week long trip to the beautiful island of Jamaica I have a couple of lingering thoughts swirling around my head. And lucky for you I will share them with you.

First things first, if I come back and the Phillies are in the world series, shit is getting broked up.

I have to cut my nails before I go.

Shaved chest or leave it alone? I think it growing back faster and thicker is a lie. Since I'm not hairy I just buzz it, but I do shave my balls.

Damn near November, gonna get sunburnt fo sho'. Just out of sheer drunkedness stupidity. And I tan well but 12 hours in the sunm drinking, carrying on, I'm sure something will get burnt up.

Bringing a two year old on the plane. I am now THAT guy. Fuck.

I have Bob Marley's entire catalogue on my Ipod. The only thing that's missing is some dreadlocks.

Powder is key to avoiding a bathing suit rash.

Rum. Is. Delicious.

An Arab on a plane going to Jamaica would be weird right?

If my luggage is over 50LBS and they ask me to pay some sort of fee I will be on the news.

Pics to follow, piece out neighbors.

WAIT FOR IT

t minus 4 days bitches


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Fat Girls Need Love Too

I should make fat barbie dolls. And market them. That might make money, because not every broad is growned up to look like a barbie doll. Skinny, size 2 waist, giant 36 boobs, long flowing blond locks, long legs, perfect lil ass. Not all woman look like that. My Barbie would be like 175-200, dark hair, mushy tits that hang a bit low and a flat ass. Not exactly my taste but certainly some other guy's taste. I mean this people are having sex with someone right. The way I see it it will give these girls some confidence. Your not going to look like Barbie so suck it up and either do something about it or be comfortable in your own body. And play with my dolls. I will call them Lardie. Lardie dolls! If I can crank some out for the holiday I can retire by January. Genius!

Oral Copulation by Force

Finally read exactly what took place in Jack Nicholsan's house on March 10th 1977. God damn Roman Polanski, you are a piece of shit. (Roman Polanski wiki)

I do, however, like seeing/saying/doing "Oral Copulation by Force" and will replace Mango Salsa with that for the time being.

Time to overload on everything pumpkin and apples.

I'm not a soup fan but when I do hanker for a soup Au Bon Pain, despite it's french name, makes some of the tastiest soup in the world. I could bathe in the Broccli Cheddar one.

Speaking of bathing, who knew soap was such a dirty little whore.

Can you get an STD from perusing Facebook?

I don't eat enough Ice Cream. Which I guess is a good thing if I want to remain somewhat skinny. But still, that shit is delicious.

El Fashion

I'm amazed at what some people wear outside of thier house. I guess that's why immigrants can afford all the houses. They wear ridiculous looking clothes. Even some people I work with, they look absurd. I'm not a fashionista myself but I'll be damned if I get caught wearing a godamn purple shirt with orange stripes or a pair of lite cords with some black johnny cash shirt.

For me it's simple. Any variation of blue and white including solid blue and solid white. Gray, black, khaki pants work. The dude that sits across from me right now is wearing a black striped shirt, the colors of the stripes are purple, green, tan and white. He's wearing that with black slacks and brown shoes. Not only does none of that match but the black shirt looks like it's been washed about 765 times. Which means it was bought approximately 17 years ago. Jesus christ buddy I know you have 4 kids but damn. Costco sells shirts now. Look into that.

On the weekend I could give a fuck what anyone wears. It's the weekend. Do you. Me, I like solid colored t-shirts and polos. I wear shorts up until November so after November jeans it is. And not nut-hugging jeans. They need to be a bit baggy and long on the crotch. Just for comfort, not saying I'm Ron Jeremy but I need to be able to move freely in them otherwise I won't wear them. In the dead of winter I will turn to sweatpants as my leisurewear.

Name your dirty parts

I want to know if woman have a nickname for their genitilia.

Like sometimes I refer to my package as Bee, Bop and Rock Steady. Other times I simply call them the Holy Trinity. For my single most important member I have various names for him, like Woodrow, Swingline, He-Man, Awesome DeSauseege, The Professional, Dr. Doom, Fat Bastard, Senator Wang, King Dong Can, Juicy Fruit, Power-I and Richard Schwinghammer.


Ladies do tell, do you call your vagina Mary Poppins? Or refer to your tits as Thelma and Louise?

Do you have like a name that really isn't a name but more like a place? Like do you refer to your area as the Field of Dreams? Or Honey Town, USA?


I need to know

Happiness is Jamaica

22 days until Jamaica

I have to find some linen pants. Why I don't know. It's what my sister wants and it's her wedding thing so I guess for a change I'll listen. Funny thing is I'm doing what woman do. I'm rocking them with a tag and removing them right after because when I get home they will be returned. I don't wear linen pants for the same reason that I don't go flower picking. Read into that as you may but the bottom line is linen pants are the gay.

My honeymoon was in Jamaica so this is going to be a return trip for me. I love it. Love the people, they are all lil bubbles of sunshine. Love the accent, love the music and love the food. Can't wait to get on that beach and pee in the crystal clear Caribean ocean. Fucking Beef Patty diet, Red Stripe beers, various other mixed drinks, jerk chicken wings, coco bread, wonderful fresh fruits, strong mountain coffee, maybe some fresh herbs if you knowwhatimsayin.

Red Stripe! Hooray Beer!

And now, a Poem

A Poem for my love, Mallomars:

Oh Mallomars how I love thee
draped in chocolate, times three
pillowy soft marshmellow on a bed of sunny golden graham
so decadent, so sweet, it's like you really give a damn
if you posessed a vagina i'd marry you tomorrow
your quiet and lovable and never ask to borrow
a bright yellow box to whisk me away
I could love you to eternity, an eternity and a day
as i wash you down with ice cold milk
i can help but marvel, over your chocolate silk
i wish you were available all year round
but i understand why, you are so profound
Oh Mallomars how I love thee
if only i can plant you and grow a mallomar tree

The End.

Random Shit aka Mango Salsa

I'm so glad football is back in my life. My wife seriously hates football. I don't know what her deal is.

If you guys haven't seen Step Brothers yet please do so. I quote that movie daily. Other movies I quote daily (and when I say daily I mean everyday) include:

Bad Boys, No Country For Old Men, Dodgeball, Wedding Crashers, Trading Places, Scarface, Casino, My Cousin Vinny, Bronx Tale, Goodfellas, Anchorman, Along Came Polly, Kindegarten Cop, Terminator 2, White Man Can't Jump and A Few Good Men.

I've mentioned this before but whenever the elevator door shuts in someone's face my soul warms up like an easy bake oven.

Remember Lite Brites? I gotta get one of those. I want my daughter to play with all the toys I played with. So I need to start buying some Matchbox cars, Hot Wheels, a Lite Brite, Operation game, shitload of Leggo's, Play Doh, Garbage Pail Kids cards, Nerf guns, Kooshes, a Jibba Jabba and WWF Wrestling Ring complete with a steel cage and several figurines. Also gonna have to pick up a three wheeler. Preferably the Knight Rider one.

Any tips on how to have a son? I heard reverse cowgirl is the way to go. Please advise.
(Nothing against daughters, it's just I want to breed a NFL QB)

Mamma Mia

Overheard a lady ordering a chicken parm hero without the sauce and cheese. Mexican behind the counter was stumped. Had to call over the Italian guy who makes the pizza and watches soccer. Discussion:

Lady : Hi I need a chicken parm hero with no suace and no cheese.

Italian guy : So youwanta a chickencutlet on hero?

Lady : Um, chicken parm.

Italian guy : Madam a chickenparmagiano is a chickencutlet witha saucea and acheesa. Without the saucea or acheesa you just havea chickencutlet on dehero.

Lady : Ok I'll have that.

The End.

alternate ending:

I shoot her in the head.

The End.

Fucking Weirdos

Saw a ton of weirdo's out this morning. I was like wtf. All before I even got to work.

Some guy was running across six lanes of traffic on a busy Brooklyn intersection. That was amusing. Either his pants were on fire or he was racing his imaginary racing friend.

Saw another guy jogging, just wearing some short ass training shorts, and nothing else. Hairy ass motherfucker too. It was like a gorilla escaped from the zoo and he was running away from a pack of zoo trainers toting tranquilizer guns.

Then I saw this dog that had dreadlocks. Not sure if this was the Bob Marley breed of dogs but the owner was like 9 feet tall. So that was interesting.

Also so this arab lady in full arab garb buying cigarettes? Huh? Isn't like pork and cigarettes a no-no in that religion.

Since the day is not over I would not even look twice if on the way home I see a unicorn with a leprechaun riding it into a rainbow with doves flying around.

WTF people get your shit together!

Our Pearl Harbor

9/11, 8 years later

The memory of that day is still fresh

I haven't been able to watch the Documentary Inside 9/11 on the National Geographic channel without A) tearing up, B) straight bawlin' or C) finish it all in one sitting (it's 2 hours long) but there are a couple of things that stand out to me and I'd like to talk about them being as this is the anniversary.


The three most gut-wrenching moments.


1) The survivors who were above the impact zone of the towers, waving, waiting for rescue. They really thought they were being rescued at some point. So sad. When that building suddenly collapsed do you have any idea how scared they were? They were turned to dust.


2) The firefighters climbing the stairs, filing into the towers as they got closer and closer to collapsing. They play radio transmissions of firefighters and two captains made it to the 78th floor of the South Tower and you can hear his fear, his panic in the voice where he calls for help in fighting the fire on that floor. 10-45 which means dead bodies is said more than once. The minute those Towers collapsed all those lives were lost an in instant, the same instant they decided to walk up those stairs to fight a fire and save anybody that was still alive. Tragic.


3) The phone calls made from passengers on the hijacked airlines. Most notably the United 93 plane that was overtaken back by some brave men. Could you imagine your wife or husband calling you and your watching the news and they are going to be part of that news in the most tragic, horriffic way? I can't even grasp that, I can't even imagine what that is like.


The Pentagon camera footage that shows, for a milli-second, the jet right before it slams into the E ring. Amazing.

The fact that knives were allowed on the airplanes back then. Major hindsight type thought like, what the fuck, why were knives allowed on airplanes if the cockpit doors weren't sealed shut?

Overall the general feeling of anger that this happend on our soil with our planes. They hijacked our commercial airplanes, relatively easy and flew the planes into our buildings. WHAT THE FUCK. After spending months in our country learning to fly the damn planes. The lax of the country, our security, our borders, our "student visa" program, our response to international attacks, etc. was not our proudest moment. And it cost us American lives in a gross fashion.

I will never get over or forget what happened that day. Never. I carry the images, the smell, the walk, the tears, the panic, the soot, the horror, the phone calls, the unity all with me everyday. I walk past the site everyday, twice a day. My path train rumbles underneath what used to be the World Trade Center. I'm not allowed to forget because besides being a New Yorker, I'm an American.

Handicapping

SWEET FUCKING DEAL ON NFL/COLLEGE PICKS IF ANYONE IS INTERESTED.

Yeah so I've been a football junkie for a long time and know how to pick a game. Click the link and check out the offer. Yes it's yours truly.

First day of school sucks

Having a rough day today guys. Today, due to necessity, I had to send my daughter to her first day of school. She is only 2 years old. Still a baby of sorts. I feel so bad, like I abandoned her. Everytime I call and check on her she is crying. I feel like shit. Fucking dogshit to be exact, like the tan colored one that looks like peanut butter frozen yogurt. This feeling sucks and I don't wish it on anyone. I hope she gets used to school quickly. Don't know how long I can deal with feeling like this. The only good thing is it's 2 days a week only. So by the time she goes full time, she'll be 3 and used to it, hopefully, by then.

I remember the first day of school way back until about 1st grade. It sucked. Obviously. But I liked shopping for new gear. Loved the crispy new sneaks or shiny new backpack. Other than that it blew. I can see why she's so pissed. After I make some real money I'm pulling her out and home-schooling her. Just everyday I'll have her read Wikipedia articles until she learns it then move on to the next. In fact I am going to create a Wikipedia ciricculum and sell it to other parents. How bout that school? IN YOUR FACE! Not sending the girl to school will also prevent boys from touching my little angel. Little Bastards!

Labour Day

Labor Day, the unofficial official end to the Summer. Sadness for some, joy for others. I am others. Love the fall. Love the fall, love the fall. I enjoy summer but I'm not a teacher or anything so I work pretty much the entire summer so it's not like I'm out enjoying weather. Plus the weather was not very good this summer. Only like 8 or 9 90+ days and had some nice stretches of rain. The Fall weather is my favorite. Foilage is sexy and my favorite sport (football) kicks off. For some background on Labor Day I urge you to learn about it here. Unfortunately it appears as if it originated in Canada.

I'm going to hit the jersey shore (New Jersey's only redeeming quality are the beaches) participate in a BBQ Sunday and relax on Monday i;e No Labor. Going to be a nice weekend. Enjoy yours.