The N Train

Today I would like to share with everyone some of my experiences on the N train. The N train is one of twenty-six subway lines in New york City. It starts in Coney Island (Brooklyn) and ends in Astoria (Queens). It's a very populated line because of several reasons. 1) Through Manhattan it runs on 7th ave. (which is a major Ave.) 2) You can take it just about anywhere (examples include, Canal St., Times Square, Penn Station, MSG, Union Square, etc.) and 3) During specific times it's express. Now when I say populated I mean along the lines of bodies smashed against the windows populated. This is the train I take into work everyday. I get on at Kings Highway in Brooklyn and I get off at 49th st. in Midtown.

This past week has been particularly bad since the heatwave has knocked out some power lines in NYC. As you may or may not know the subway uses this power to operate the trains. Allow me to paint a picture for you.

You leave work and head down to the subway. As you swipe your metrocard 32 times because 31 times before that it read "Please Swipe Again" you notice a swell of briefcase carrying yokes just like yourself. You realize it's a larger swell than usual. This could only mean one thing. Then the PA system (which sometimes is totally not understandable) blares this: "Due to power failures there is a delay in all N, R, Q, B, D, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, W trains. Please be patient." Great.

In translation this means "Due to Con Ed being totally unprepared for summer you won't see the inside of your house at least another 8 hours." So, as a experienced New Yorker, you take it in stride. You wait it out. You put the IPOD on, you read the Post or the News and you wait. Finally a rumble comes about and you notice a train coming into the station. You almost get a woody (women: your nipples perk a bit). But since there are 4000 people trying to get on the same train you wait for the next one. Figuring there's not one far behind. Because if you jam yourself into that already crowded train, you are a glutton for punishment and deserve every bit of it. So a second train rumbles in but it's not the one you need. It's a different line. Now you have a decision to make. Do you wait for yours? Or do you hop on this one and take it to a stop where you can transfer to yours? I wait. Finally the N train comes and while it seems packed I know there is room in the middle because for some reason people don't understand what "step in" means. As soon as I walk into the train. A wave of heat just pummels my face like something fierce. I realize that this is because there is not A/C on this train. Usually I would get off immediately but because I'm already on it and because it's already been an hour since I left work I said fuck it. I can deal with this. I'll pretend I'm on a beach somewhere with a Corona and some ladies. Halfway into the ride, which by the way is going local not express, I am fully drenched in my own sweat. I believe Swampass is the word used to describe this. Of course there is a heavy set lady practically standing on my leg while a screaming baby wails in the background. I think I'll leave that picture as that. It's pretty horrifying. I don't have to add the fact that it took 2 1/2 hours to get home. The end result wouldn't matter anyway. Onto the next masterpiece.

Chinese people. Now before I go on a venom spewed rant let me just say that I have nothing against Chinese people. All the anger is based on the herd of Chinese people I ride the train with every day. Next are the Mexicans and Russians so nobody is safe.

My first observation. Chinese people are extremely dirty. They eat on the train, the men always smell like a cigarette, their teeth are "sommer" teeth-- you know some of them are over here, some are over there, they don't look like they take showers and to boot when it rains, they smell like a wet dog pound. So my conclusion is that they are dirty. Let explain to you what I see from time to time.

As the double doors open, they rush to a seat. I mean run to a seat. They run to seat as if there is a gold nugget on each seat. They will body check you if they have to. This includes the old chinese women too. Now, on some of the older trains there are no seats but there are benches. And these benches can hold about 10 normal sized humans. If a chinese woman or man sees an inch of space on one of these benches they will immediately wiggle their way onto that bench even if it means that they are slightly hanging off and making everyone scrunch up on each other. On rides home they usually are carrying a bundle of red-pinkish bags filled with any or all kinds of green things (vegetables) and/or bamboo. Next they start stuffing their faces with some sort of bread like things. They wash this down with boxed Soy milk. This process also gets done to their children who are currently running amok all over the train and falling on the floor each time the trains stops. It's a zoo. It's the most unrelaxing way into and from work. Then everyone wonders why New Yorkers are so "jagged" (trying to find the right word here, I wouldn't say rude cuz that we are not, Shielded? no. Rugged? maybe, you get the idea)

I will now list the people I hate the most (Daily Hater style ) on my ride in and home everyday.

To the Chinese man who reeks of stogies and wiggles on my leg to sit down in a space that a stapler wouldn't fit: I hate you.

To the Mexican woman who comes on at 59th street and rolls her baby carriage carrying 8 children in it over my toes: I hate you.

To the Mexican men who don't wash their hands before leaving work and getting dirt and dust all over the poles everyone have to hold on to: I hate you.

To the Russian women who stared at me for the entire train ride in because I wouldn't give up my seat for her: I hate you.

To the tall lanky black man who stands right in front of me as I sit, which makes me eye level with your genital: I hate you.

To the conductor who screams "STAND CLEAR THE CLOSING DOORS" a hundred times over a muffled PA system: I hate you.

To the Romanian guy playing the flute: I hate you.

To the young black teenagers selling M&M's or batteries: I hate you.

To the homeless man who lays across 5 seats and smells like hot piss: I hate you.

To the Mexican or El Salvadoran or wherever the fuck your from that plays those wooden instruments that sound like a retarded dog is howling: I hate you.

To the chinese man who just sneezed like a horse and didn't cover his mouth: I hate you.

To the Arab man who smells like a red onion: I hate you.

To the Jewish guy who hymns while reading the Torah and rocks back and forth: I hate you.

To the Russian women who is lost and keeps on asking me questions but is spitting everytime she pronounces "train": I hate you.

To the guido white guy with the nextel talking the whole way over the Manhattan bridge about last night :I hate you.

To the white guy listening to Death Metal so loud the whole train hears it: I hate you.

To the little chinese kid who keeps poking the back of my head: I hate you.

To the old guy who coughs for hours: I hate you.

To the group of people who don't let off the people getting off, get off first: I hate you.

N train: I hate you.